I'm so fucking sick

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Matt93, Dec 20, 2010.

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  1. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Here am I, again, posting away on here, looking to see if anyone will reach out and pull me free of these feelings, sadly, this counter measure of mine, only works to a certain degree. What the hell, might as well see how well it helps this time.

    So yes, I'm becoming sick of this. This time, I've had enough. So close to Christmas, and everyone will be crying and screaming and mourning, because I killed myself 5 days before the big day. Hah. Christmas is, quite frankly, my most hated holiday. Everyone tells me, cheer up it's Christmas. No, shut up, before my foot meets your face.

    Not only is Christmas bugging me, but I'm now literally feeling lifeless. The hatred I keep storing away is building up, the anger is so hard to control, and I am still depressed to hell. I can't get rid of any of this. My knuckles are severely bruised and cut thanks to my door, my head is swollen and bloody too, because I'm so sick.

    But anyway, who cares. I just wanna die now.
     
  2. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I reckon, that many men display depression as anger.
    Maybe go and see a doctor Matt, or look into some sort of talking to someone about it.
    Dont let this eat you away, its only the anger not your life, you need to escape from.
    Good luck , message me if you want regards Pete
     
  3. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Meh, I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow. I know I'm depressed, I'm bipolar, so y'know. It's not the anger that makes me want to die, it's becoming sick of everyone relying on me to help them, when they're fully aware that I'm struggling to hold onto the string that I call life.
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I loathe Xmas, always have, so I'm with you on that one.
    We can't pull you free of the feelings though, we can only support you to get yourself free. We can offer suggestions on how to do it but you're the one who has to take the action.
    First step is the doctor, have you done that yet?
    Plus I agree with Pete, lots of men display depression as anger.
     
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Well never turn the shoulder away, but you can tell them you need a bit of space, and if they are worth it, they will give it to you.........
     
  6. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    @CatherineC I've just said I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow, they can't do any more for me, other than put me on some other shitty meds. I hate them, I stopped my last ones, I couldn't stand taking them. I just don't want this any more. I just want to let everything go now.

    @pete I'm so sick of them now, I'm very, very close to snapping and just telling them to go find someone who cares. Because as the saying goes, my care cup is empty.
     
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Aha! I so know that feeling and I'm Bipolar too. Must be something about us. Sometimes it feels like no one in my family can do anything at all unless I do something for them first. Its like I'm part of their decision process and have no say in whether I want to be or not.
    Of course I do have a say in whether I help them or not but it took me years to work out how to tell them that. I still slip back into it if I'm honest.
    You've got to tell them straight. You're ill and your priority is to get better. They'll have to manage without you and that's the end of it.
    Rant on here a lot, it will help.
    Stay strong, pm me anytime
    xxxx
     
  8. ashtar

    ashtar Well-Known Member

    Anger comes with depression... but it is dangerous. Anger drives you to do stupid things... It sounds like you want people to pay for what they have put you through. You say that they will mourn your loss... isnt this a good place to change the point of view? They mourn you because they love you. Because they miss you and your place will be empty in their hearts. Your place will be empty in our hearts.
    I wanted to do the same. Exactly the same. But then I realised that by giving up I will make them win... so now I am trying to divert my sick anger into succeeding. I will show them that I am the winner here and not them.
    If you want to talk, I will be here. I am working on assignments for the coming next two weeks so I'll be using the Net a lot. You can contact me anytime you want and I will reply as soon as I can.
    :rose:
     
  9. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Catherine, sadly, even though I want to snap and tell them to fuck off, I'm not that kinda guy, everything about me tells me to tell them to go complain at someone who has time for them, but the person I am makes me sit and listen and do everything that I can to help, even though I know deep inside I'm just growing worse.

    Thanks, my ability to reply now is dwindling. So I apologise whole heartedly that my reply for you ashtar is a lot shorter than that of Catherine's but yes, thank you. I'll do all I can to stay here.
     
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I did that for years and I mean years, probably at least 20 of them.
    You have to learn how not to do it and it isn't easy. It has to be done in steps.
    I know that you're tired now and probably not up to replying but we can talk more about this tomorrow if you'd like? I can tell you how I did it and that might help
    Try to stay strong
    xxxx
     
  11. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    It'd be nice to hear how someone else did it, though my replies will be pretty short, no doubts, and probably meaningless
     
  12. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Matthew,
    The person after whom you are named found that his life changed in an instant. Sometimes help comes from unexpected places. Don't give up hope. If you believe that you are sick, then you have to also believe that it's possible to get better.
     
  13. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Matt,
    Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, had some errands to do.
    Saying no to people is not easy, it takes a lot of practise and you'll have to accept that you'll slip back into the old behaviour pattern every so often.
    First of all, recognise that it is a behaviour pattern. Where did you get this pattern from? Did you learn it from your parents? If you can trace why you behave like this, it will be a huge step in stopping behaving like this.
    Who expects you to drop everything and help them? Is it close family? Friends? Everyone?
    What tactics are they using? Guilt trips/passive aggression etc.
    Write it all down and see what you come up with.
    Look at who you're actually responsible for in your life. I personally believe that we're only responsible for our children. 'You owe your parents nothing and your children everything' is something that someone once told me and its always stuck in my mind. Even with children though there's a limit to responsibility. Once they've grown up, you don't have to take as much responsibility for example. (My 30 year old daughter wouldn't thank me if I tried, lol)
    Do you keep a mood journal? I'm a big believer that this is a major step in coming to terms with the Bipolar Disorder.
    Have you worked out your triggers and coping strategies?
    No worries if you don't do any of these things, we can take this one step at a time.
    Meds!!!! Yes, I know that they're horrible, I know that they have side effects, I know that none of us want to take them and resent having to...but: We do have to take them. It takes a long time to find the right combination but once you do, it will make a huge difference to the quality of your life.
    Who is prescribing your meds and what have you tried?
    Are you self medicating? Booze, cigs, drugs etc. Most of us self medicate with something.
    Once you've worked these things out (apart from the meds, that will take ages) we'll look at who you should say no to first. There's bound to be someone on the periphery of your life who is taking advantage of you. This is the first person you learn how to say 'no' to.
    It does get easier and you can widen the people who make the list of 'No' as you go along.
    So, either in a pm or here in the thread, let me know the answers to these questions. Then we'll move along to the next bit.
    Stay strong and I hope that it went okay at the doctors.
    xxxx
     
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey Matt. I was going to wish you a Merry Christmas, but since you hate Christmas, I'm just going to ask that get some help with coping with your bipolar disorder. Smashing your knuckles and head into the door sounds very painful. Maybe you need new medication? And why do you hate Christmas so much? It's supposed to be a time when people get together with loved ones and enjoy a nice meal. I hate how Christmas has become focused on giving expensive gifts. Don't give up. :hug:
     
  15. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I had a HUGE reply written out, and then it just disappeared. I can't be bothered to re write it. Sorry.
     
  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Isn't it a pain in the neck when that happens? No worries, see if you feel up to writing something tomorrow. Or answer one bit at a time.
    Try to stay strong xxxx
     
  17. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    I'll see how I do answering this. There's nobody in my family with this kind of behaviour pattern, no one in my family will give their assistance to someone in need.

    I guess I do it, to be nice to people, and try to make people like me, because I feel that people have to like me, and I need people to like me. I feel alone when people don't like me, and I hate feeling and being alone. It's stressful and brings me to hate everything when I feel alone, and I hate hating things.

    It's just everyone who expects me to drop everything for them, my friends, my family, they all want my help. I just can't give them that help. And to ascertain my help, they'll guilt trip me, call me a horrible person, make me feel like I don't deserve their friendship, they'll do anything they can to make me help them, and it's killing me.
     
  18. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    So why do they expect you to? Where do you fit within the family dynamic? Are you an eldest child and if so how many siblings do you have etc?
    How were you treated as a child? Have your parents always been demanding? Did they ever make you feel worthless?

    Everyone needs to be liked and loved. Its part of being a human being. What makes it a problem is when you think that you have to be liked/loved by everyone.. You're not going to be liked by everyone, just as you don't like everyone you know.
    This is the behaviour you were taught as a child. You've learned to connect 'doing things for people' with 'being liked and part of a group'. There isn't actually a connection between the two things.
    I do things for people all the time (as part of my job) but people still dislike me. Some people dislike me intensely - I'm very opinionated and not afraid to say what I think. It doesn't always go down well with people, particularly in an office environment.
    You're also making a connection between being on your own and being alone. They're two seperate things too. You should have a think about the differences between the two.


    This is why you need to learn to draw a line and not allow other people to cross it.
    No one should be guilt tripping another person. This is unacceptable behaviour and you should never give into it. It's like paying a blackmailer. You can't give in to it.
    The people around you clearly know which buttons to press. That doesn't make them very nice people...but then again they may not be aware that they're behaving in this way.
    If you had two broken legs, would any of these people expect you to drop everything and help them? Or would they help you get better?
    Your mental illness is no different. You are ill and in no position to be helping other people right now. That does not make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a horrible person and it doesn't mean that other people should dislike you.
    How do you think all of these people would react if you had a serious physical illness instead of a mental one? It's important, particulary how would your family react?
     
  19. Matt93

    Matt93 Well-Known Member

    If they have a problem they expect me to listen and to magically fix everything. I fit in with the family as being the problem solver, I'm never the one who needs help, nor deserves it. I'm the youngest child actually. I have two older sisters. I guess as a child I was treated okay, the discipline was a tad harsh, but it's made me a relatively well behaved child. They're not so much as demanding any other way, it's just this. And it's only started these past few years. They make me feel worthless a lot, just by not listening to me.

    I don't know the answer to any of this though. I don't know who my family are any more, I've alienated myself away from them for so long, the only time I leave my room is get food, then I come back and eat in my room. I have no idea how they would react any more.
     
  20. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    well.. I'm kinda mad about Christmas too.. my PTSD over my childhood and Christianity in general kinda makes me mad enough to kill.. :blub: I'm sorry I'm not much help. Wish I was.. :(
     
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