I feel so unbelievably lonely these days. I live alone, parents haven't called in months, and friends don't care so much. I'm supposed to be studying for my upcoming exams in university, but I can't even do that...I've given up on music, even. I'm not motivated to do anything but sleep. It's the only way I don't bring myself to think. Because whenever my mind floods with thoughts, cutting is inevitable...it's the only escape. It's such a horrific feeling...Waking up with no one to call for help...no one to lean against to...no one to say good morning to. It makes me feel as if I'm the only person in this world. I don't even want to get out of the house anymore. It scares me to see people who are normal and happy with their lives...because I keep wishing I could be just like them. And then there's Eric...I'm worried sick about him with every breath I take. I don't know where he is and what he's doing now...I hope with all my heart he is okay, I can't contact him... Last time I heared about him...He was transmitted to the hospital..He's a heroin addict. He too was deeply depressed...I met him through my therapist. He's so beautiful in so many ways, I still can't figure out why he wants to destroy himself so much... And maybe I'll never know whether he really meant what he said the other day...I feel so guilty for not being able to help him get over his addiction...Maybe if I was a stronger person I would be able to do something for him. And I hate myself for not expressing my feelings towards him when I could. When he was better, when he was smiling, when he was positive he was going to be okay and continue his studies..Even though we did kiss, it was like it all just ended there. I hope he hasn't regretted it, I haven't... Have you ever felt you love someone so much your heart can't bear that love and you just feel your chest hurting all over? That's just how I feel about him right now, however cheesy that might sound. He's honestly the most beautiful person, inside and out, I have ever met. And right now I don't even know how he is. And I'm scared to find out. And I feel so guilty for all these reasons that I can't explain. Life is so unfair. It's so painful to live. Why does it have to be that way? I can't bear that anticipation...I can't bear not knowing how he is. I want to be near him right now. And this loneliss is killing me.