I'm so lost and alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lookingforsalvation, Jan 3, 2013.

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  1. lookingforsalvation

    lookingforsalvation New Member

    I just can't go on like this. I'm so tired of faking a smile every single day for all those fake friends. They all betrayed me so many times and I just have to pretend i don't know. My only real friend just moved away and we're so far away now.. I think it will be better for her to find new friends, better friends.. My mother works all day, my dad had already hit me till I was so hurt that i punched a window to distract him and run, leaving scars all over my hand. He drinks too much and never talks to me. Never listen to me.
    I live in a small town and all my life I had to pretend I'm something i'm not. Everyone here is so... dumb. They only care about being popular, gossiping... They all just seem like robots. It's so frustrating!
    I changed so much in so many ways because of them. Until 4 years ago (2009) I was the ugly tall girl who used to wear glasses and pretended not to hear everyone calling her ugly, freak. In 2010 I started using make up, buying expensive clothes, hiding how much I love to read, my school grades got worse, I falsified my mother's signature in tests that i failed.. I fell in love for the first time with a boy 2 years older and had my first real kiss.. I loved him for 2 years and he didn't give a f* (sorry about the bad word). And one year after it, a girl who I knew literally since i born just started to gossip about me. I lost almost all my friends in school.. I started to cut myself. Not really deep, I guess. I took about 90 tablets of all kind of medication together to die. I did go on about it. I started to became more close of my old friends, tried to find a new personality (again, pretending i was something i'm not) But I still cutted myself every month. I get drunk for the very first time in october, maybe november. Drank about 2 liters of soda with liquor. My parents didn't know about it, of course. I told my mom about cutting and stoped..
    For a while. In 2012 I started drinking almost every weekend, in parties. Wearing a mask to cover all sadness and emptiness. In june, I started dating a friend. He's 4 years older and used to cut too. That's when i lost control. I started to cut myself deep, leaving scars all over my body. Once we promised which other we 'd stop, but e couldn't. He cut all over his body because of me, and i felt like a monster. I hurted him so much. I hurted the person i love the most in the world. He almost killed himself once. It was killing me.
    One month ago I used drugs and drinked. I told him, and then i told him i wold kill myself. He tried to stop me and said if i did it he would do it to. After this, we didn't speak for 3 days. (He lives in another city, but his parents live here). In December 12 he broke up with me. I never felt so much pain and emptiness. Stopped eating, i spent all my week in bed. We still talk. But I'm scared i'll hurt him. I don't know what to do. He say he loves me all the day, when i was sick last weeks he took care of me, we went ice skating.. He's wearing the ring we used to use when we date. I'm just want him to be happy, but i don't want to let him go.
    And now all I feel is emptiness. I don't know what i'm doing, why am i living. I don't have any dreams, like kids and a big house. God can't save me, so please, don't talk about all this religion things. I want to die. Want to feel the darkness and then it will all over. I've been like this for so much time, just suffering. I want to find peace. Not because of my ex, but he was the reason i found to hold on. And now i see he'll be better without me.. like everyone.
     
  2. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    hi. i'm sorry that you're going through a tough time. me too i'm utterly tired of pretensions and betrayals. these things exhaust me to the point that i yearn for complete seclusion for the rest of my life... but i've learned firsthand that we are actually able to sincerely befriend people while not being taken advantage of. i'm sure soon you'll be able to keep balance and then can proudly be yourself. just do not lose faith in humanity yet. there are still kind people in the world. honey my genuine advice please do not use drug and drink anymore. they will only worsen things.
    you didn't say what you did that hurt him. if it's bad, you can stop doing it, right?
    and please remember that time changes everything. very soon your situations will change. just hold on for now.
    warm hugs to you. xxx
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are so sad hun Peace is hard to find but it is doable hun you have to heal yourself first. I hope you reach out to your doctor or therapist and get help for YOU ok then you will be able to find that peace you are searching for hugs
     
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