I'm so lost and hurt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EpicEpicMan, Feb 3, 2008.

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  1. EpicEpicMan

    EpicEpicMan Member

    The new guy here... I guess everyone has their story so here is mine. I met, fell in love with, and married the woman of my dreams four years ago. She was an addict (meth) for close to 20 years. She had lost her son to foster care over it. After we married I kind of just reminded her of what her options were and she overcame her habit, we got her son back, and we were one little happy family. Over the last few months she has fallen back into her addiction and it is so bad now that she stays gone nights and days at a time. I have discussed with her on many occasions how I cant live like this. I didnt sign on to be a daddy while she parties all the time. In addition, shortly after we were married I was injured and am totally disabled. I mean I can still do the things I have always done for my family but I am uninsured and have to wait for my approval from SSD to get medical so I can be fixed and well again.

    The point is that I have no one but my wife and son. My Mom and Dad both died when I was young and I have no friends whatsoever. I moved from where I grew up at twenty years ago. I just never made any friends except for my wife. I cant go on like this - I even told her as much. She went as far as to slug me in the face the other day right in front of our son - because I wouldnt give her money for drugs. She said she didnt know what she was doing and said it wouldnt happen again. Alas tonight shes on another bender. She said the meanest things to me before she left.

    I've written my notes, my son is over at a friends for the night, and the only thing that is keeping me here is that maybe she will come home tonight. Maybe shell realize what shes done. Maybe she will finally give the drugs up. I cant wait forever. I hurt - both in my heart and physically. I only need a minimum of help from her due to my disability but cannot survive on my own. I mean that literally and figuratively. I am crying now it does hurt so bad.
     
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry that things have come to this. Life can seem so unfair, I know. When someone you love is hurting themselves and there isn't a whole lot you can do to help life can seem so hopeless. But... please think about your son. How old is he? Will he be able to handle life without either of his parents?
     
  3. EpicEpicMan

    EpicEpicMan Member

    He is my step-son. Though I have always claimed him as my own. He grew up in foster care like I mentioned above. Maybe I'm just enabling her by being here. Maybe if I was gone that would be the kick that she needs to wise up and take care of her son...
     
  4. iwillbeok

    iwillbeok Active Member

    Your suicide will not "save" her. That will just be even more of an excuse for her to continue her meth indulgences/binges.

    You need to save YOURSELF. Period.
     
  5. EpicEpicMan

    EpicEpicMan Member

    But how? I cant physically go on by myself - I cant take care of myself because of my disability. I certainly cannot raise her son alone. I am at my end - I feel I cannot go on with or without her now. I guess the only reason I keep replying is the hope that she will show up soon.
     
  6. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Ok... killing yourself will not make her realize that she needs to step up and take care of her child. She is an addict. It doesn't work that easily. If she lost him once to foster care it may very well happen again.
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    hey, welcome to the forum :hug:, sorry to hear you are going though difficult times right now, i hope we can help you here, and i hope you find the strength to pull through :hug:
     
  8. iwillbeok

    iwillbeok Active Member

    Honestly? I don't know "how". All I can tell you is that, as a child of an addict, nothing you do, say, threaten, cajole, promise, hope, etc..will make the addict in your life do anything to change her ways.
    YOU have to work on YOU right now, even if that means leaving her child behind until YOU are better and can then you can help her child.
     
  9. EpicEpicMan

    EpicEpicMan Member

    I have no where to go. I have no means to go if I did. I cannot take care of myself and have no insurance. It will be two months before my SSD hearing and before I can have insurance to get fixed. I wouldnt have posted if I had not thought of all these things already.
     
  10. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Can you wait until then before you make any decisions?
     
  11. EpicEpicMan

    EpicEpicMan Member

    I thought of that too. I'm owed over 100k in back pay, will get 3k per month, and have insurance. Sounds great dont it? The money will end up going for drugs and when I do have surgery and really need a lot of help what do I do then? To be done with it would stop it all. No more contributing to the problem and no more pain.
     
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    The fact that you are suicidal tells me you are seriously depressed and overwhelmed. It *seems* like the right answer, but it's not. That's the depression talking, telling you that there are no other solutions. My suggestion is to work on one thing only right now, and that is keeping yourself alive. Do whatever you need to do in order to make it through this alive. Call the suicide helpline, they are open 24 hours, or samaritans, they are usually open all night, too. Go and see your family doctor and be honest about how suicidal you are. It's scary, but you can do it. There are many supports to get you through this immediate crisis. You just have to take that courageous step to break your isolation, and tell a professional how you are feeling. I know you can do it.

    You can work on the rest later, the fact that your wife is using again, your relationship with you step-son, the surgeries and the insurance. You are certainly facing many difficulties. Please don't let suicide be your only solution,

    Catherine
     
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