i'm so lost

i'm here today because i'm just not sure what to do. i spent ten long hours writing to my therapist that i spoke about earlier this week. i have already told him that i am quitting therapy but he wants to talk about this more and one last time on the 16th. here's the thing i'm not up much for talking anymore. knowing i am so taxing on his 'sanity' leaves me feeling like i would just be the same to anyone else. so i am feeling inclined to just build the walls back up that i spent so many years tearing down.

i know what he said to me is fucked up to say the least and maybe i should just go find another therapist but i just can't do this anymore. i'm afraid of saying nothing to him and how he might react. i'm afraid of saying something to him and him just leaving me feeling like a complete ass. which is my strongest hunch is going to happen here. the letter i had written spelled some of this out and all that hard work i spent into writing that letter now i don't feel like giving it to him.

i know if i don't go in on the 16th he will most probably take some action and have me certified because of the plan i gave him and my lack of willingness to speak anymore. bad mixture i'm sure. i just don't feel like talking to him anymore so i am not so sure where to go from here.

maybe this all just seems so stupid, but his comment has really changed the course of my life now and it can't be for the better.

sorry if all this is coming out so scrambled right now. i am just so lost and so confused on what to do. i can't seem to think this through, and mind you this is really not a good thing. anyways, i won't chat your ear off anymore. i'm sorry i just needed to get this out and maybe get even some more opinions than i already have.

i just know none of this can be good and it is leading me downward and fast. i'll let you go. thanx

 

Hun, as i said before a therapist that bolts at when things start to get tough has no business being a therapist in the first place.

I think you should tell him to fuck off, and then go find 1 that can help you.
try not to let what he said get to you.
try your dam hardest to not let it get to you.

you have so much to live for.
just keep at it.

Luv, josh

 

Ya know what, I'd go and tell him just what I fucking thought of him and what everyone here said about his actions. Then I'd report his arse to the mental health board !!!!

 

i thought about reporting him. i have been down the reporting road twice before and all they do is deny what they said. so i'm not even going to bother making myself look like a complete ass to them as well. i have written him a letter (actually two). the first one i'm not going to send even though it took me about ten hours to write. the second one i am giving him today. he wants me to come in on the 16th so we can wrap everything up, but the voices in my head are telling me what's the point (and so much more). being as i will not guarentee that i will come in then i am giving him the option to take me off of his schedule and put someone there that would definately use the time. we'll see what happens i'm going to give him the letter today. thanx

 

here's the letter i am giving him...

Michael,

As you can probably imagine I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about last Tuesdays appointment. I have really felt like there is so much to be said. So, I found myself spending a considerable amount of time writing you a letter. This was no easy task. This letter that I spent so much time on and invested so much of myself into I have decided not to send it after all.

You might ask why? Well, unfortunately I’m hearing these little voices inside my head that won’t let up telling me things like “what’s the use?” “There’s no point in sharing anymore.” Reminding me my time in therapy is done. Telling me “nothing you could say matters anymore.” “Why even bother?” And the list goes on and on. Now, I am finding myself inclined to believe what I’m hearing.

So I am finding I’m backing off even more and going so far as questioning why I should even go in on the 16th. I know you said so we can wrap things up, but honestly I’m afraid of what that means. I know I cannot hear anything right now that is going to cause me any more grief than I’m already carrying. Honestly, I don’t have the courage to face this.

The chances of my coming on the 16th are very slim. So I’m finding myself offering to you to cancel the appointment as to offer the opportunity to someone who would definitely use it. If you would like to keep it open for me that is fine too, but again I’m offering no guarantees that I’ll make it. I just don’t want you feeling like I’m wasting your time.

If you would like to give me a call and let me know what you would be most comfortable doing that will be fine. I apologize if this is at all taxing on you. I really don’t mean for it to be.

Sincerely,

 

Well you were a lot kinder than I would have been.