I think I'm lost to myself more than anyone right now... but I'm so down and I don't think I know what to do now. Sometimes, I just feel like I cannot go on one more minute. I spent the last 6 years in a mentally abusive marriage. Oh he told me daily he loved me, and he always "wanted" me... but there was never affection, never kind words. Only accusations, suspicions, I married a drug addict (Crack). I knew he was and he stopped when we married. They tell me that drug addicts are always and forever suspicious. Always think that everyone is against them. If I hadn't already had myself worked into a corner with my own manic-depression, he only walled me in further. Self doubt, the accusations of me cheating on him, stealing money from him, stealing his medicines (he was on Xanax and Vicoden after heart surgery, he refused to tell his doctors that he had a drug problem) Nothing I ever did for him was good enough, clean enough, too hot, too cold, too salty, not salty enough, too sweet, the coffee was bad, the tea was bad, the house was dirty, his laundry smelled funny, my friends were horrible, I was cheating online, I was telling his secrets online, I mistreated his son, I didn't sleep with him enough, I didn't want to be in the same room with him, I could only leave the house if he or his son were with me, I wasn't allowed to keep any money, my purse was inspected constantly for money I may have had that he didn't know of - for drugs I may have had. Hundreds of dollars of simple things like Tylenol were flushed in our regularly, benadryl, my much needed water pills, I wasn't allowed to take anti-depressants as they "made me stupid". Even my insulin was questioned at times. Lies, he never believed a word I told him, he never wanted me to see my mother, or spend time with her because she bought me things sometimes when I needed them. I wasn't allowed to buy new clothing for myself or his sons, we lived in thrift store or rummage sale clothing, or what clothing my mother bought us, or his mother bought us... that we were allowed to keep. we weren't allowed to buy anything, but he had to have specialty, everything. Special tea, special coffee, special TVs, he owns a $12,000 computer system. I spent hours going over our bank and paypal account and found that in one year he spent $11,000 on computer parts, while I spent $6,000 on groceries to feed the 4 of us. His computer is more powerful and has more HD space than most server rooms have. I was very ill last year and almost died from my diabetes shutting down my stomach. More than once I was told to shut up and quit whining because he wasn't wasting 8 hours of his life sitting in the ER with my fat ass one more time. I finally had to take myself for treatment. Yet, every single day he told me he loved me, every single day he "wanted me", he never once held my hand, or just hugged me, or sat with his arm around me, and for 5 of the 6 years we were together, I slept in the bed alone, and he slept in his chair, sometimes he would come to bed for relations, but then he would get up afterwards. So last month... we had a fight and he told me that I was no better to him than a secretary, and a live in nanny. He told me that if he was to pay me, i wouldn't even be worth minimum wage because I was so terrible at everything I did. I was never given a gift in our time together. My wedding ring was a WalMart $37 ring... he spent 5 days and $300 buying his wedding band. You're asking yourself now, I'm sure. What the HE77 were you doing marrying this guy? The simple truth of the matter is that I loved him dearly, I loved his children dearly. He HAD made me happy for a long time, but then he quit using and he changed, 180 degrees. The drugs made him a loveable, sweet, kind caring man. Once he was off - that went away. So last month, I left him, in the middle of the night, I called my friend and said "get me out of here" - and she did. I took what I could that night and went back for the rest a week later. I told him I wanted out and I was done and it was over. I didn't tell his sons goodbye, I didn't tell him goodbye - I just stopped being married to him. We were divorced in 3 weeks. He cried piteously the entire proceeding and now. NOW - I MISS HIM, I miss his sons, I miss my life with him. I'm so sad I can barely move. I have reverted to manic-depression and manic me has gotten myself in a little bit of trouble. I miss his so much it is killing me. I want to call him every moment and ask him to let me come back. So I can kiss his sweet face and try to make this all right again. How can I want to go back to that? How can I even think he'd want me to come back and how can I even think about going back to him? But now I'm in trouble. I became High Manic, and I have lied to people. I have a temporary job, probably til the middle of January, but I've gotten an apartment - I have no furniture save a bed, and a side table, a footstool and my computer. I will have rent due in 2 weeks, then services and the internet bill. I have a bag of cat food and some popcorn and rice a roni and a small box of chocolate. I lied about having a permanent job so I could get the apartment, my mother helped me get in and gave me the food I currently have, but she has no idea that my job isn't permanent. She has no idea that I won't be able to even make next months rent. I've sold jewelry that I treasure to buy a pair of sheets and a towel and deodorant and shampoo and t.p. - I think I'm suicidal. I've looked up my meds to see what overdose causes. I've found that one of them does the job. I find myself looking up other things, making plans, purging myself so I don't make a mess, I'm trying to decide if I should write notes individually or just one blanket note. My Dr. gave me Prozac and it's taking it's sweet time kicking in - but I think I need more for the manic me. I lied to my Dr. and told him I had foudn therapy. I did call and make an appt. but I canceled it. I don't think I really want to die, more than I just really want to escape myself and all these mistakes I've made. I've lived through some pretty nasty stuff in my 46 years... I've had cancer, my fiance died 5 days before our wedding when I was 26, and 2 more men I dearly loved died on me afterwards. Men I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. My father dumped me when I was 6, my aunt molested me, I've been ill with blood disorders twice now, my diabetes is eating me up organ by organ... v.e.r.y s-l-o-w-l-y and painfully. And if none of that kills me, I'm going to smoke myself to death. Even after re-reading all of this I still love my ex-husband and miss him. Maybe it's just because I know no better. All I know is them after 6 years of life and I don't know how to be just me again. it's all too hard and I want someone else to do it all for me - or it's not going to be done at all. I can't call a hot-line, I can't express myself verbally. I couldn't even tell the judge why I wanted divorced. I cried and mumbled something about being mean to me and he granted the divorce anyway. Do I go and turn myself in to my Dr. and tell him what's going on? Do I go to the hospital and tell them I'm suicidal? How can I explain to my friends that I'm suicidal and that I need help? I don't know what to do.