I'm so pathetic and horrible.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheBLA, Jan 6, 2008.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Sorry, this is going to be rambling and hard to make sense probably. Just wanna let this out and hopefully get some kind responses to make me feel a bit better. :sad:

    I can't fit in anywhere, not on this forum as well, rarely come here, mostly make pointless, meaningless posts, aren't proactive so I don't make friends/connections here or in real life. Its my fault though.

    I'm a horrible son, I bring my parents nothing but misery, I am the black sheep, my younger brother is infinetely better than me. He doesn't argue or talk back to his parents or ignore them or say bad things to their face, or become sullen, withdrawn and talk about suicide and be a whiny little bastard. They think I talk about suicide just to get attention.

    I am the black sheep of my family, my community, everyplace. I bring my parents shame and I will only bring them much more shame in the future when I get a just acceptable job, don't get married and don't have kids, live alone and depressed and suicidal all the time, etc. Unlike their other Indian friends and relatives with FUCKING perfect kids who will go to college, become highly paid and respected doctors and engineers and have a nice happy family. And here I am you guys, alone, lazy, pathetic, a LOSER!!! My parents are so ashamed of me, and rightly so. As an Indian, I am not supposed to be depressed and think about suicide, so I am so alienated.

    Maybe my parents don't show their disspointment in me, but I know how they feel inside. Where did they go wrong in raising me? I need to know what went so wrong...
    I am 20 years old but SOOOOOOOO FAR behind others my age, not raised right, didn't learn many things, the basics, not street-smart. Haven't done so many things others have done, my life is so empty and full of nothing. Have no friends. If my parents kicked me out right now, I would be totally, completely lost, just like an infant, no kidding!!! They probably will pretty soon....

    My dad treats me like I'm mentally ill or totally helpless (well, I am actually...:mellow:). On News Years Eve at my cousin's house where we were, my dad would keep coming upstairs several times to "check up on me and my brother" or so he said. We're 20 and 17, leave us alone, god, how embarrasing!!! My dad lied to me face about that, saying things like the other parents were doing it so, he lied right to my damn face the bastard and then finally said he really did it to watch me, to make sure I wasn't lying in a corner all sad and crying (hmm, why wasn't I anyways?), since everyone else was happy and I wasn't and everyone dislikes me anyways. :unsure:

    I have all this shit against me, and I'm supposed to live. I haven't tried to attempt yet, probably won't in the near future, but I have to. Things would have been better if I wasn't born. If only I could die right now and give my organs to the dying who really need them and would actually enjoy life. Wow, life really is so unfair. I have lived a pathetic, wasted life and several other great people who were so great and missed by many have died.

    My dad always has to give more attention to me and not to my brother because I am always sad, and struggling in Calculus, whereas my brother is breezing by fine with no help, I am so high maintenance and have nothing to show for it. My brother needs my dad's attention, at least he'd benefit. I'm a waste of your time dad, I will never amount to anything, I just have to kill myself right now so I and everyone else I know can avoid any more pain and suffering in the future, time to cut the damn losses!

    What a depressing post, ugh, sorry you guys. Sigh....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Please don't feel as if you are worthless. many people struggle with some of the same things you do. There exists all sorts of dynamics within a family. i think part of your struggles have to do with your heritage. Not everything expected of you is achievable by all people. You have difficulty opening up to others because it is not part of your culture. I may be way off base here, but i do think it may be what is working against you at least a little bit. I do not find you to be pathetic or horrible. i enjoy the posts you do make around the forum. Sometimes they bring a smile to my face. i am sorry your father is so tough on you. he should learn to trust you more and give you the chance to do things. You will learn how to be self sufficient if given the opportunity.
     
  3. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're pathetic or horrible, don't be so down on yourself. My family is so far from perfect that it isn't funny, & I have problems with them as well. I really don't know what else to say....I just felt I had to say something. I mean..... my dad refers to me as a "suicidal drug addict" right to my face. Some father huh? Anyway, if you ever want to talk, I'll be your freind! :biggrin: Just PM me or I'll pm you my msn nick-name, if you use msn messenger. Anytime, no prob. :cool: Stay cool & TC!
     
  4. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I really feel that I'm not given as much attention or taken seriously as the others on this forum, is it because I'm "only very depressed" and actually haven't attemped or have plans to attempt or don't self-harm? Because I'm not as at risk as so many others here?

    I also feel that I'm not telling all my problems or people don't know how severely messed up I am, I don't think I'm over dramatizing.

    I'm feeling right now like some whiny emo kid (no offense to anyone) who is just whining but has no substance, that my problems aren't real and you'll all of course say my problems are just as real as anyone else's.

    I am insignificant and so are my issues and problems. What am I doing wrong? I feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears, or I'm not saying the correct things? I really really really feel like I'm being patronized here, so frustrating! Can't get help anywhere and I have to just live and struggle everyday being the biggest loser on the face of the fucking planet!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2008
  5. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you are just struggling with independence and therefore confidence issues. No man wants to be babied at 20, no man wants to feel like they can't do the job and need constant monitoring/help. Its infuriating and humiliating. I struggle with the same things at times.

    I suggest finding a way to move out of home. Become independent
     
  6. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    BTW I just read you feel you would be helpless if you were to be kicked out/move out.

    I don't see that as a bad thing - and it wouldn't last long anyway. Being independent is not as hard as it sounds, you will learn fast!
     
  7. SickOfLife

    SickOfLife Active Member

    Rahul, I'm Indian as well. I know exactly what kindof expectations you are living up to because I have to live up to them as well.

    You sound so much like my older brother when he expresses his bad feelings. He has inferiority problems, no social skills, and can't do basic things that a normal 21 year old should do. He has violent outbursts though where he screams and smashes stuff to vent his frustrations out and he's been doing that since he was 9 and I was 5. He doesn't mean to be so angry, it just comes out.

    Saying this from the younger brother's point of view, it was traumatising seeing that at 5, and living with it (still living with it) for 12 years and counting. It's breaking our family apart and we're all suffering as a result. If I could wish for anything in my life, it would be for him to be successful and normal.

    This sounds so stupid, but once we were at a friend's wedding and he behaved normally, and when we came back home it was the happiest day of my life to see him happy and normal.

    I had a lot of crap in my life (its in the thread I started, no point repeating it all here) and that the happiest thing in my life would be for him to be normal. I have been suicidal but I would love life if he changed, that way our family life would be so good. I told him that being the oldest son, he had the responsibility and the power to make our family happy or sad.

    Basically you have that responsibility as well. Don't look at it as if its extra pressure, infact its a privilege to have such power. The power to do good for your family and yourself. You have to take initiative and learn basic things (social stuff, cooking/cleaning/basics to live on your own) to get yourself up to the mark. Parents have to respect choices, you tell them that (if you don't want to be married, or that you don't want to be a doctor/engineer), and when you learn skills by yourself, you can prove to your parents that you're someone.

    My brother says he'll change, but he said that so many times and it never happened because he's too lazy. As a result I feel life's too crap to carry on living. Don't make the same mistakes because you don't know how it will affect your family
     
  8. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I also don't have many (any) friends on this forum
     
  9. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    Rahul,

    Tell me one thing you like doing that brings joy to your life. One practical thing you enjoy doing.
     
  10. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Actually, I think yours is the most interesting, expressive post I've read here all week.

    I'm not Indian, but I can sure understand the grinding pressure of high expectations. When I was young, I was supposed to be pretty bright. It's been a long time since then, but I still feel like I'm just coasting on the momentum. The huge resources that have been spent on my education, first by my parents, and then by the taxpayers, weigh very heavily on my shoulders. And the meager results I have to show for it in my work just can't counterbalance it.

    So yes, I was a fucking perfect kid, went to college, got married, got a respectable job, and had a couple of kids. But the kid I was was perfect only in the eyes of the adults--the other kids, and especially girls, couldn't stand me. College and grad school are rather humbling experiences if you're almost, but not quite, a genius. And the amount the respectable job pays is actually a real source of embarrassment--the money's convenient, but I really don't think I deserve it, and it really stings to think about how much has been invested in me, and for what return. And the kids? One's mildly autistic, which makes it likely that he'll follow my kind of path. But because I'm still depressive, I'm doing a terrible job of getting him going well enough to have momentum of his own.

    The lesson? You can still find yourself miserable and daydreaming of suicide, even if you manage to check off all the boxes on life's to-do list.


    Distaste for depression is hardly confined to Indians. It's universal. Only the French seem to celebrate ennui. And everyone hates the French, of course.


    So what is to be done?

    Very few of us will be remembered for the heroic things we do or discover. But our contributions need not be notable to be noble. Being a decent man to your fellow citizens, and a decent father to your kids, is enough to help save the world.

    (To put it in historical terms, there were very few General Bradleys or Dr Oppenheimers, but the contributions of millions of ordinary citizens were what created the "Greatest Generation" during WWII.)

    So we slog on in obscurity. Take heart in knowing that almost all of the things that make our society better are very small things. Go find a job you don't hate, pay your taxes, play ball with your friends, and be decent to kids and old people.
     
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    My goodness, thank you all for your answers, it means a lot. In my previous threads, I always felt like I got only a couple of answers, most of them being made because they were obligated to.

    I feel so stupid. I was so depressed and sad when I posted the thread but felt a lot better since I just got a new laptop, thats why I didn't post here. But I am still depressed, but I feel temporarily right now better because of my laptop.

    Sorry I didn't reply so long to my own thread. :sad:
     
  12. lostboy

    lostboy Well-Known Member

    Listen I was in almost the exact same position as you. I was the black sheep of the family, though I’m the younger of the siblings. My elder sister is the academic socially capable person with lots of friends.

    I got stuck in a rut after high school, I was going to work to earn some cash to go travelling, but my crippling insecurities and depression just weighed down upon me, and to add to this I had the crushing shame from my parents.

    Saying things like “We’re in despair! - I just don’t know what to do” – real constructive motivational stuff like that. :smile:But when I finally moved out of the house and all that expectation and pressure slowly dissipated. It was hard at first moving into a share house with 5 other people living with you.

    I don’t think I’d still be here if I didn’t go to my doctor and tell him I was feeling so depressed and socially inadequate. He was able to help me a lot with good advice and medication – so perhaps that’s something you should consider.

    You said your Indian, but on your avatar it says your from Houston. If your worried about supporting yourself, I dunno about India but I here America has some pretty good 2 minute noodles. :tongue:Once you get used to it living away from your parents is INFINETLY more easier and a whole lot more stress free.

    I am 20 years old but SOOOOOOOO FAR behind others my age, not raised right, didn't learn many things, the basics, not street-smart. Haven't done so many things others have done.

    I don’t have any of these qualities either but I’m still alive, its not that hard, just get a crappy pressure free job to pay the rent, make sure you don’t eat too much junk food, and see if there’s some sort of course you might like to study.

    If only I could die right now and give my organs to the dying who really need them and would actually enjoy life.


    Thats exactly how I think when I'm depressed/suicidal :sad:, some times I whis it were possible too.

    Anyways this is a bit of a long post so I’m going to shut up now.
    Feel free to PM me anytime.
     
  13. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I had a real fetish for calculus problems lol

    But believe me, it has NO future use unless you are going into Civil/Electrical/Mechanical/Aerospace.
     
  14. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    The problem with a lot of Indian parents these days is that all of them want their children to become doctor/engineer/lawyer even if the child probably doesn't have the capability to do it. Anything less than that is a cause for real humiliation in and considered a total failure. I knew a kid whose parents pushed him beyond the limits with physical abuse and he became mentally unstable. The teachers used to say that he would have become an Einstein. I think it arises from the fact that they have seen really tough times and lot of poverty after independence. But whatever, its really annoying for the kid because some of them also deal with a lot of shit outside the house and if they don't get support at home either then who else are they going to turn to.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2008
  15. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I was born in India, but never lived there, lived in Canada and Saudi Arabia before coming to Houston. There's a lot of Indians living in Houston.

    I'm having quite a bit of resentment towards my people, Indians. It really seems like overall, we don't understand nor acknowledge depression, no way like Westerners. We're not supposed to be depressed, thats for the weak, we just study hard and be successful and please our parents. But Indians aren't the only ones (eg, Chinese, Koreans, etc.)

    I just went to see an Indian doctor yesterday because I've had a stuffy nose for so long. I wrote that I had prior depression (I still do). He was plum shocked to see that, asking me if I still had it and relieved when I said I didn't. Duh, I'm not supposed to be depressed, can't let it get in the way of becoming a doctor. Jackass.

    Talking about depression, suicide is taboo to say the least among us. If it wasn't for this forum, I'd think I was the only one depressed,only one thinking of suicide since the only people I know are Indians. overgeneralizing. I'm also mainly talking about Indians born and raised in India that don't understand depression. Our culture is not open to it.

    I was wonder what are all the Indians here who share my viewpoints? There's very few Indians on this forum, since remember, we're not supposed to be depressed! :dry:

    I know I'm probably overgeneralizing but it really feels this way from my viewpoint. Maybe others can clear it up. But all the Indians around me are so happy, carefree, or they are doing an EXTREMELY good job of hiding any inch of sadness deep deep deep inside. All my parent's friends and relatives kids 10000 times better than me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2008
  16. mp

    mp Well-Known Member

    hey!
    i'm indian too =)
    been here for more than 2 1/2 years. :)

    I agree with you, depression is a "taboo" in India, people dont understand what its like to be depressed. But i dont really care.

    Mp

     
  17. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I tend to get depressed very quickly at the slightest thing. Like my dad saying just an hour ago "You seem to be doing well at college now. But why are you still not opening up to people? Ask me for advice"

    Or my younger brother saying
    "No offense, but if you could get accepted to UT, so can I".

    They all look down on me, they patronize me, but I can't blame them. I am the helpless, pathetic black sheep of everybody I know and everyone who knows me. I am the only fucking one with depression and thinking about suicide.

    My dad doesn't seem to blurt out at how inferior I am, but he knows it. My younger brother is so much better off than me, he is the favored son. In fact, if I was my dad and looking at me, hell, I would piss myself off, I would kick myself out of the house. I think about that sometimes and can't believe it. And I am sorry if I am sounding so pitiful and whiny, I bet I am huh? I mean, there's some depressed, suicidal people you feel so bad for and then those that you just say "Oh shut up, there's so many worse off than you, quit complaining", I feel like I'm in the latter. :sad:

    Funny thing, I should be worried and depressed all the time. I sometimes think I am sorta normal and things will turn out okay, but I am EXTREMELY afraid of my future, since I am so helpless and weak, don't have many of the simple, basic skills others my age have, haven't done simple basic things others have done. Why should I feel normal at times when there is a dark future awaiting me?

    I feel trapped from every side. I can't kill myself, I'm stuck in a life lacking so much surrounded by Indians who are perfectly normal and will never understand the situation I am in. They expect me to be normal, happy, get a nice job, get married, have kids etc etc etc. I am going to dissapoint so many people. My dad and mom think I have nothing to worry about, that I worry too much and it'll all be okay, you don't know shit!

    I can't visit my relatives in India again since I emailed a couple telling them I was depressed and suicidal, I can't show my face to them ever again, I can't see my relatives up in Canada either when they see I haven't progressed a bit all these years and they see a real sorry person.

    The future isn't set in stone, I can change it, but really can I? If I have to live and live as normally as possible, I am so far behind and have so much catching up to do as one to be 21 years old in a few months. I may not have something like cancer which everyone can sympathize with, but I still have huge problems that will haunt me for the rest of my life, you guys will understand but not my fellow people.

    And my posts are always rambling and never giving out specifics so you guys can really help me. God, what am I going to do?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2008
  18. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    East Indians are 1%(3,000,000) of the entire American population.

    Why does their approval mean everything to you ?
     
  19. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    It doesn't matter, their never going to approve me anyways. I will always be the outcast. And then I feel bad for disliking my own people because they don't understand depression, would never understand me. Somewhere along the lines, I strayed off the path.

    Its because I am socially backwards like a lot of people here and so everyone I know is Indian, my parent's friends and their kids and my relatives.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2008
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