I'm ready. I'm tired of mistakes. I'm tired of fights. I'm tired of not feeling like I matter in the least amount. With my work injuries, I've been unable to work at 100% (I've been trying and failing at my own business for a couple of years now) My wife has been trying to keep our finances afloat. We discussed re-financing our house about a year ago. I've never been through this process. My wife is the money person. I'm the worker person. With that said, in my crippled and injured state, all the sudden the house needed to be in top notch shape for it appraisal. I had no idea. She had been working on this on her own. Which, by itself probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I'm hurt, and in a rush to fix up the house. In the interim, she called one of my friends to do the landscape work on the outside of the house, all the while making embarrassing me in front of my friend because I wasn't aware that the trees needed to be trimmed. I would have thought all the blood sweat and tears I put into the house initially was enough. My wife is an expert at not at "lying" but at selectively leaving information out so something isn't technically a lie. Its all plausible deniability. It really hurts our relationship. I'm already having a hard time dealing with my injuries and having something to hang my "manhood" hat on.... It's it so incredibly embarrassing to have this kind of help. I can deal with the therapists. I can deal with the outpatient counseling. But there's something about having the rug pulled out from under me one more time. And I don't blame my friend. I blame my wife from keeping things from me when I'm at my worst. Maybe she does it on purpose because she knows I'm inches from the edge. Actually, I don't think she know how close I really am. And it's not totally her fault. I put her here by being a failure. If I wasn't, maybe she wouldn't have to keep the simplest things from me. I don't know. I do know I've said it on here before. I'm close. Its all I can think about. A bottle of pills. A simple accident. It could be so easy. Everyone is gone now. No one would have to know. They'd think just another accident. Just another mistake. And it finally killed him. At least I'm an organ donor. At least some of my insurance would go to my niece and nephew. Maybe make a difference in their life. It certainly hasn't fixed mine. I'm convinced I'd screw up having a million dollars. That's what my wife says. A lot of hurtful things were said today. My wife isn't a bad person. I am. She deserves better. I deserve nothing. I've tried. My time has passed. I put up my best effort. I don't want to grow old like this. Knowing that I did my best and it really didn't matter. Life isn't fair. I get it. But why stick around for if? Especially when you're just a drag on those around you. I get it. I don't have some terminal disease. I'm addicted to pills. I'm addicted to work. And now I'm just tired of failure. Maybe this isn't going anywhere. Maybe it's long winded. Maybe no one will get it. Again, I feel like somewhat of a minority on here. I'm just a regular mid 30's white guy on the outside. But deep inside.... I'm poison. My thoughts are toxic, sad, self defeating. I keep getting close. I go out to my shop. I look around and make a plan. But the phone always rings. Someone always wanders in. Today I'm alone.