I'm so ready....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nothinman81, Mar 24, 2015.

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  1. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    I'm ready. I'm tired of mistakes. I'm tired of fights. I'm tired of not feeling like I matter in the least amount.

    With my work injuries, I've been unable to work at 100% (I've been trying and failing at my own business for a couple of years now)

    My wife has been trying to keep our finances afloat. We discussed re-financing our house about a year ago. I've never been through this process. My wife is the money person. I'm the worker person.

    With that said, in my crippled and injured state, all the sudden the house needed to be in top notch shape for it appraisal. I had no idea. She had been working on this on her own. Which, by itself probably wouldn't have bothered me, but now I'm hurt, and in a rush to fix up the house.

    In the interim, she called one of my friends to do the landscape work on the outside of the house, all the while making embarrassing me in front of my friend because I wasn't aware that the trees needed to be trimmed. I would have thought all the blood sweat and tears I put into the house initially was enough.

    My wife is an expert at not at "lying" but at selectively leaving information out so something isn't technically a lie. Its all plausible deniability. It really hurts our relationship.

    I'm already having a hard time dealing with my injuries and having something to hang my "manhood" hat on....

    It's it so incredibly embarrassing to have this kind of help. I can deal with the therapists. I can deal with the outpatient counseling.
    But there's something about having the rug pulled out from under me one more time. And I don't blame my friend. I blame my wife from keeping things from me when I'm at my worst. Maybe she does it on purpose because she knows I'm inches from the edge. Actually, I don't think she know how close I really am. And it's not totally her fault. I put her here by being a failure. If I wasn't, maybe she wouldn't have to keep the simplest things from me. I don't know.

    I do know I've said it on here before. I'm close. Its all I can think about. A bottle of pills. A simple accident. It could be so easy. Everyone is gone now. No one would have to know. They'd think just another accident. Just another mistake. And it finally killed him. At least I'm an organ donor. At least some of my insurance would go to my niece and nephew. Maybe make a difference in their life. It certainly hasn't fixed mine. I'm convinced I'd screw up having a million dollars. That's what my wife says.

    A lot of hurtful things were said today. My wife isn't a bad person. I am. She deserves better. I deserve nothing. I've tried. My time has passed. I put up my best effort. I don't want to grow old like this. Knowing that I did my best and it really didn't matter. Life isn't fair. I get it. But why stick around for if? Especially when you're just a drag on those around you.

    I get it. I don't have some terminal disease. I'm addicted to pills. I'm addicted to work. And now I'm just tired of failure.

    Maybe this isn't going anywhere. Maybe it's long winded. Maybe no one will get it. Again, I feel like somewhat of a minority on here. I'm just a regular mid 30's white guy on the outside. But deep inside.... I'm poison. My thoughts are toxic, sad, self defeating.

    I keep getting close. I go out to my shop. I look around and make a plan. But the phone always rings. Someone always wanders in.

    Today I'm alone.
     
  2. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    Thr details of your suffering are completely different from mine. But I know your feeling. I can understand profoundly your feelings. I don't think I'm going to last much longer. I hope I don't go on much more. So sorry for everything I ever did or said.
     
  3. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    I was ready when the universe conceived of me in the primordial initial condition. I wish nature didn't ever let me take that first breath in this world... now I'm so ungraceful grotesque, existing just for this mental hell.
     
  4. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    It's like you know that feeling you get just before you get a cold? You know you're starting to get sick. You feel the sore throat.

    That's how I feel right now. I'm just waiting for the full blown cold. And that's going to be it.
     
  5. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    I wish for me it all ending could be likened to a neat biological process such as getting sick; i want it so bad to come like a virus, unstoppable and swiftly, and have it all be over. But it takes this horrific violent act on my part so i can finally get peace. I am terrified how far i actually am from the end. I am so scared of how much more i have to endure, stricken at how much more there is to go through. I said i hope it doesn't go on but i know it will until I don't know when... the universe seems to be calculating to maximize my suffering.

    From a fellow tormented soul, i wish you peace. I am SO scared, i just want peace. No one deserves to be scared.
     
  6. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    All I can say is I get it.

    I get exactly what you're saying.
     
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