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I'm so scared

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by WickedTruth, Apr 9, 2013.

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  1. WickedTruth

    WickedTruth Member

    I don't know how things got so bad.
    I'm slowly sinking down into a bottomless pit of despair, sorrow, and self-hatred.
    I'm scared that if I keep going, I'll never be free.

    I'm scared because I keep finding myself in the same place... hunched in the corner of my bed room with my cutting kit open and in use.
    Half the time, I don't even remember how I got there.
    I barely even come to until I'm cleaning up.

    I don't want to do this anymore.

    I don't want to live like this.

    I don't want to live. But I'm too terrified to die.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    What has happened to put you in this situation, Wickedtruth? Can you tell us?
    There are others here who have more experience with self harm, perhaps one of them could help you find alternatives such as using an ice cube, drawing rather than cutting, etc?
  3. WickedTruth

    WickedTruth Member

    Well, It all kind of started in November after a suicide attempt and every day since then things have been getting worse.
    A few nights ago I got drunk and cut my arm really badly, I'd been doing so elsewhere up until then, and then tonight there was a household argument and my self-harm was brought up. Long story short, the words 'disgrace, disgusting, weak etc' were mentioned and I just...
    ...snapped I guess.
  4. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us what happened and why you attempted? Maybe it will do some good and help gain some insight if you walk us through it? There are lots of people here to listen, and hopefully offer advice. We care :)
  5. WickedTruth

    WickedTruth Member

    Truthfully, I don't really know exactly.
    Little things were just kind of piling up ya know?
    Like my grades were dropping slowly, my dad's alcoholism was slowly coming back. My mum (bi-polar, psychosis etc) was starting to go 'bad' again. I just started having trouble concentrating.
    My cutting gradually got worse, to the point where I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was literally running my life.
    And then one night, I just kind of felt like I needed an out.
    Next thing I know, I'm waking up and being told that my nan had found me covered in blood and with an empty bottle of sleeping pills next to me.
  6. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Someone who attempts suicide needs help. From your second post I gather you're not receiving that? Or that it's thin, at best. Maybe they don't understand it. It must have been scary for your nan to find you that way. I think a lot of people worry, they just don't know how to respond sometimes. I wish the world was a better place. Does your family know why you tried? Is there anyone in your life you can talk to?

    I can't advise you with the topic of self-harm but, like windlepoons said, there are people on here to talk to about that who will hopefully help.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    WickedTruth- I know we've already spoken just know that I am here for you anytime :hug:
  8. WickedTruth

    WickedTruth Member

    It wasn't the first time -sadly-.
    They know, but they kind of just, didn't really do anything. My dad sometimes acts really weird around me, like he's scared I'm going to break. But aside from the original hospital visit they didn't really actively help. I have a few people, but they treat me like I'm glass or something.

    I want help, and I've tried. I went to my doctor and a counsellor, but there's no place or person in my city that specializes in this kind of thing. I've tried searching but I can't find much.
  9. WickedTruth

    WickedTruth Member

    CocaCola - I know I said it already, but thank you so much :D
  10. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    there must be something you can try what your local crisis team/home treatment team
  11. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Wanting help is the first step towards accepting it. So be proud of yourself for willing to do that. You're not weak either. You're strong enough to keep living even when it's unbearable to do so. God bless.

    About the cutting thing...a friend I met in the psych ward uses a rubber band instead of a razor to "harm herself." She pulls it back and lets it rip. The sting doesn't provide the emotional release cutting does but it does help.
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