It happened last Sunday. It wasn't rape, I don't think, but it was sexual assault. Finally, after everything that has happened, he had his way with me, he had sex with me. I expected at least some satisfaction. I love him, with all my heart. But no. He did it for the act and nothing more. It hurt so much, and yet he didn't notice me crying underneath him, or perhaps he didn't even care. I bled for two days, on and off. It hurt to pee, it hurt to walk. The condom he used snapped, and finally I was forced to tell my parents. I took the Plan B pill, but it was a bit late. I'm worried, I'm scared, because I was most fertile that day anyways. I got my period on the 13th of last month, meaning on the 28th, when it happened, I was fertile. I was ovulating. If I'm pregnant, my parents are making me abort the child. My best friend, who was dating the guy who did this to me, broke up with him, but now she's back together with him, as of today. And they plan to have sex.. to spite me, I guess. She says she loves me so much. And yet, she loves him more. Actually she loves him even more NOW, because he got that out of his system, and it was directed towards me. She's convinced that she's the victim. I'm scared because I don't even know how to react.... I'm scared for my life, I'm scared for my heart, I'm scared for my sanity. I love him. Yea.. teenage retarded crush.... but I forgave him. I dont want to abort the child if I have one... I dont want... any of this. Did I deserve this? I'm feeling so hopeless.. No more cutting, but I cant shake off this feeling of utter dread. I even picked the name I'm putting on a tiny tombstone if I'm forced into an abortion. Salvatore Ceiro Paesano. Taking the Father's last name. It sort of means Savior of Love and Friend. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I'm convinced I've lost my mind. I need a shoulder to cry on, but everyone's too busy being the shoulder for my best friend who's the "greater" victim. They forget to notice me dying... I'm making NO sense.