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Im So Scared...

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by notwanting2live, Jun 22, 2008.

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  1. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    im so scared off what is happening to me. I was raped month and 1/2 ago, and it was the scarest thing ever. I mean I keep on thinking no one believes me and that the police are gonna blame me. I mean it is my fault. If i did something different, or wasnt there.

    I hate myself for being me, and i HATE MYSELF for reporting it. The police is saying that there is insuffiecent evidence, and that forensics are not able to help prove as the guy admitted to having sex, but said i gave consent.

    The Basterd. I fucking hate this. WHY does it always happen, as I dont want to deal with this. I cant like this. The POLICE ARE DOING NOTHING, EXCEPT JUDGE ME.
    I hate poeple judging me, and the police are not helping. Ever since this attack, I have reported it, they have not left me alone, constsntly asking me if it is true, and if there is anything on the statement to change. Since 18th May, I have been admitted to hospital 3 times, from overdosing. two of these times, I ended up in Critical Care. Ive been arrested 6 Times for a place of safety. I have also been sectioned for 5 days, and I get scared of what to do. Its not just the attack, although this has caused alot more suicidal thoughts in my head. The police came to see me just after my UNcles funeral, for this case. I have told them that I dont want to continue with this. I cant, its ripping me inside out. I just cant do this, there are people out there. there is perverts, and sickos, and crazy people out there, thinking that they can win when they steal the innoccences of otthers, well guess what, i am one of the losers that they have won over. I cant do it.

    This message has helped me alot, but its also triggered alot of anger, and alot of guilt. but the strongest emotion i have at the moment, is FEAR. I cannot defeat fear.
  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Oh sweety,

    I know exactly how you feel. The police said the same thing to me in november last year. It is really hard to cope with but it does not mean that they do not believe you. Are you in any kind of therapy for this.

    I am so so so sorry for all this. I am here if you want to talk so feel free to PM me any time. Or I can keep talking to you on this thread.

    The fact that you went to the police in the first case is really good whether or not you went through with it or not. He is now on file and if anyone else came forward it will help both of your cases. I know this is not much comfort but I hope it can bring some.


    Take Care

  3. camerondavid

    camerondavid Guest

    One question, what makes you think that it was your fault? It's never the victims fault.
  4. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    How dare you Souther...I really hope notwantingtolive didn't see what you wrote. It is not on and not true you are a sick person.

    notwantingtolive...what he has said is not true I want to call him every name under the sun because I am so angry at what that person said.

    Here if you want to talk.

  5. silo

    silo Well-Known Member

    notwanting2live, i am so so sorry. i can totally relate to you. i was raped june 8th, my second rape actually. the police took me to the hospital for a rape kit, etc. and i remember that the detective asked me "why didn't you yell out, or try to bite him?" i just about threw up. i couldn't explain why. the whole time i was trying to bargain with him, and i didn't want to scream and wake my baby up......it seems weird now, but at the time it made the most sense.
    just remember that it's not your fault, and that there are a lot of us going through this with you, you are not alone. rape is one of those ugly things that everyone wants to pretend doesn't really happen, i think, but it does and the only thing we can do is help each other through.
  6. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    coz i shouldnt of been there, if i had taken a different route or didnt drink that nyt or stayed wid my m8s 4 a bit longer then it wouldnt of happened. if i did somethin different anythin different then i wouldnt b in this mess. i should have screamed or somwthing.. it happened in a schol playground.. where there should b cameras but there wasnt.. xx

    i jus dno.. i nno it is ma fualt.. i no it is. it is my fault.. even tho i am the victim. if i hadnt been there.. n also the fing is i wasnt dressed up.. i was in a pair of jeans and a hoodie. i wasnt even wearin a skirt.. the police asked me if i got changed so that i wuoldnt think they would judge me or nout. i told them no as i didnt as i was so fucked i wouldnt of been able 2 do that.

    the police are stil not talkin 2 me, lyk not letting me no wot is going on with the case or nout. i am so confused at wot is happening.

    Xx Sky xX
  7. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    i had that when I reported. never knew what was going on.

    It is normal I guess. It doesn't mean they have forgottern about you. It means they are working on ur case. It is hard to cope with but it really was not ur fault.

  8. notwanting2live

    notwanting2live Well-Known Member

    Re: Im So Scared...Update...

    Just an update, in another thread i have already siad that i had to sign some mediucal forms so they can access my physical and mental health, and the police told me that if it does go to court the basterds laywer can have access to these and turn them against me, saying that i am too mental to push charges, and that the case is not able to go further. i spoke to my shrink today, and she said that the statistics show that if it does go to court, which in many cases similar to mine [word-against-word] that it doesnt go to court, and if it does because the lack of forensics that they cant find, even though i saw the police doctor about 2 hrs after it happened, that the basterd may even get away with it. but becuase the police told me i could lose my job, due to my mental health. so i had to explain to work the details about what is happening such as i was raped, not just attacked as i told them, as i physically cannot say rape out loud as it makes me physically sick. also abotu my mental state. although she has told me this, she has also told me that if it does go to court, if she is requested to give a mental health report she is going to tell them how it has affected me pyshcologically and that i have gone down hill because of this. also she said that the support that i have recieved from victim support and the details i have said to them will be brought up, proving that it is not a lie. i told her how i felt that the leading investigator was treating me and that i felt that he didnt believe me and everything, and she reckons it is disgusting the way i am being treated from it, as i am the victim not the criminal. i actually cried in front of her, and if you have read my other threads i cant cry in front of people. thats the first time for a little while that ive actually spoken deep to my pyschiritrist becuase recently ive been too scared to tell them anything. anyways thats my update, i dont no what to think, but i think i am starting to get the support from my pysch. about this case, and also i told my dad to fuck off, as he told me i deserved it.

    Xx Sky xX
  9. S.A.D.

    S.A.D. Well-Known Member

    Aww sweetie it was,nt your fault, not at all :hug:

    You are being so brave :smile:
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Its not your fault that there is sick perverts in this world, it will never be your fault.You have being very brave by reporting it :hug:
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