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i'm so scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by closertolove, Aug 14, 2009.

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  1. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    i'm terrified that some day too soon i'll actually be brave enough to die...

    please, someone, anyone- help

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    wow, thats kind of a shot in the dark from your last post.
    whats up
  3. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    im just trying so hard to move on with my life from my broken past, but its so fucking difficult

    i cant move on, no matter what i do

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    the broken is often pictured as a shatterd mirror. when we look at the pieces that are "mirror side up " all we see is ourself.
    we see ourself. we see ourself in many pieces. its at that moment we become very tired. it almost as if we were that mirror and each piece that lays on the floor are bits of US.

    where do we begin to put US back together ?
    mirrors are glass. even the smallest pieces have even smaller ones that have broken off and disappeared.

    you can go out and replace that broken mirror, but when we look in it ... its just not us. not the way IT USED TO BE.

    my point is, in order to put back what was or what should be, there will always be small pieces missing. those pieces are like scars. the scars of the past. those pieces represent what was lost and can never be replaced.

    you can however, rebuild to the best of your ability and when you are used to what IS NOW ... you will see past those broken pieces you missed so much.
    in other words, when we become broken because of lifes misfortunes, we can only do the best we can with what we have left. unlike the mirror however, we are capable of filling in the gaps.
    when the pieces of mirror are not swept up, the get trampled on and broken even more. after awhile its amost impossible to even make out ourself when we look at it.
    by that time .... we replace it with something that will work in its place.
    we get so used to that temp. fix we become used to it. we become reliant upon it to reflect what WE really are. its fake, false. it only hides the fact that on the other side ... the mirror is broken.
    pick up your pieces before it becomes to late.
  5. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    im so afraid for the mirror to break again its preventing me from living, and i hate it
  6. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    Wow this is profound shit :p Really good advice :)
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello closertolove,

    welcome to the forums,I'm glad you found us :)

    Would you like to tell us more about yourself hun,and we'll see how we can help? :hug:

    Take care x

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    we cant dwell on what may happen to us each day. example: i ride bike 14.6 miles aday to and from work. 3/4 of the streets i ride dont have sidewalks or bike lanes. i cant be afraid each time i get on that bike that im gunna get hit.. i have to get to work.

    the samething goes for life. if we sit and stay afraid of what MIGHT HAPPEN, then the only thing we can do is sit in our dark room and never step out into the sunshine. we would be allowing ourself to miss the good things that are out there.
    not everyone is going to treat you like crap. on the same token, there will be tuff times, it happens to everyone.
    you have to release yourself from the stronghold that YOU CONTROL.
    its up to YOU to make something out of our life. remember, possessions and relationships dont always bring happiness .. their not related.
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think we are all a little scared of what the future might bring us. It is better just to stay in the present take one day at a time for now. Fear is just an emotion don't let it get in the way of what you want and need. You did good by coming here and reaching out to get help that took courage. Please know talking to someone about what is hurting you is the best way to release the fear and pain and to get moving forward. I hope you can talk to your doctor who can set you up with some councilling. Know the crisis line are compassionate and can help you through rough times please know there is alot of support for you now don't have to feel alone in this okay. take care
  10. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member


    when i was 12, my friend sister took her life. her funeral is my most profound memory: the church was packed, almost overflowing with people. and everyone was crying, myself included and i didn't even know her

    i guess what im most scared is that no one would be at the church crying if it were my funeral...
  11. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    If anything happened to you, I might not be in church, but I would be crying.

    Like SAMSARA said above, your post about the mirror is quite profound. And although it is cliche, it takes more courage to live than not to. Let us help you keep your mirror from breaking again and if it does, let us help you put it back together.

    Hoping that you have better days ahead :hug:

  12. fritz81

    fritz81 Member

    honestly that makes no sense. i'm new to this forum but the way i see it death is some kind of salvation. so there is no need to be afraid.

    if you are not 100% sure you want to kill yourself you fucking shouldn't do it. there are a lot of people who end their live for the wrong reason so be sure you are not one of them. i think you should only kill yourself if you harbour the thought of it for more than at least one year.

    so, what is your reason?
  13. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    my reason: i don't see how i'm doing anyone any good in being here. it's making me miserable to see everything around me fall apart and to not be able to do a damn thing about it

    the thing is, i KNOW there are a million things i am grateful for and that i should cherish. i know what its like to be abandoned by someone you thought love you. the one thing that keeps me going is that i have people to live for, yet theyre slowly drifting away

    im scared that one day no ones going to be close enough that i'm going to hold on. im scared that one day im going to be selfish enough to take my own life. im scared that im not going to be afraid of the pain id be causing them. im scared that one day im actually going to have that funeral, and i wont have anyone there...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    what exactly is falling apart ?
  15. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    my family is breaking
    my relationship with my mother has gone to shit
    my friends are leaving
    my sisters barely here
    everythings going too fast
  16. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    You mention that you have people to live for. That is so incredibly important. I know the pain of losing a dear friend to suicide. His mother is destroyed as am I right now.

    I'm not saying anything that most here have not considered. I think that having family and friends around is one of the issues keeping me alive. Mine, like yours are also leaving or drifting away. But I now consider SF to be an extended family and the people here have been more than helpful.

    SF will not drift away.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    ya know what ??

    a few ppl found out that i attempted twice in less than a year. you would be suprised at how many ppl WE THOUGHT DIDNT CARE ACTUALLY DO.

    dont sell yourself short. i never really dwelled on whether or not ppl would care, i knew i didnt.

    we sell ourself short so many times. we have written things in stone because we have convinced ourself there is no other answer.

    i just scrolled down and saw your lastest post closertolove.
    i need time to think about that post, i was working on the one before.

    ok i have thought.
    bottom line is this, right now, your going through alot of pain mostly stemming from your family issues and your friends,
    the thought of being alone scares the hell out of you.


    i dont know whats up with your friends, but maybe ... if your mood has changed enough, they see it. they may be uncomfortable. ppl dont like being around unhappy ppl.
    im not saying that is the case, but just incase.

    at your age, you are going through alot of painful things. they WILL NOT .. IF YOU DONT LET THEM, CONTROL THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
    stand up for yourself. you have all the potential you allow yourself to have.

    its upsetting right now, and you may not be sure how to deal with it.
    if you go to school, talk to a counslor. there are plenty of ppl to talk to FOR FREE. dont allow yourself to be selfish TO YOU.
    thats what your gunna end up doing. work on you, to make you stronger. find what you are all about. it wont take long. you have to have an open mind to do so.

    make the effort to talk to ppl.
    make the effort to reach out TO YOU.
    be good to yourself and you will feel better about you.

    its hard to see things fall apart around you, especially with loved ones.
    but even though , they are having issues, doesnt mean that you have to create your own because of theirs.
    saddness is good. its human nature. but when we allow it to control us ,thats a problem. then everything seems unreachable. that simply isnt true, unless we allow it to be.
  18. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Couldn't have said it better. ^^^^^^
  19. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    thank you so much, for everything: what you've said has greatly affected me

    i guess i'm most afraid of letting my sadness control me. i'm used to being in control, and i'm afraid of those few fleeting moments that i'm not... and what i could possibly do...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    as each day goes by, the stronger we get, the less appt we are to do something stupid. we may think it, but we will get through the issue and have the strenght to carry on.
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