im so sick of it all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by An Angel in Black, Mar 2, 2008.

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  1. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    im sick of living.im sick of breathing, taking care of myself, shopping, driving, fun things, everything..im so sick of it all...it seems like the more meds i take the worse i get, now i have about 4-5 panic attacks a day.. cry all the time, cant focus or think, get more depressed and more suicidal, and i cut myself yet agian today during a panic attack. i couldnt stop crying.. my father in the car was telling me how i screwed things up and telling me i need to get back on track but i dont thats gonna happen, i can already see the end of the track. i just freaked and and found a stall to cut. i couldnt stop crying and iv been doing this about 4-5 times every day. i dont wanna go out, i dont wanna stay in either though, i dont wanna be near anyone cause im left alone eventually, my head is all messed up.. im screwing up on simple things now, like directions, ill turn the wrong way sometimes thinking it was the right way, knowing where im going. then today i said i though 3/8 was smaller the 1/4.. honestly, i mean cmon..for petes sake ive taken begining calculus...thne last night when my friend came over, knowing i stood him up earlier cause i was freaking out and panicing, couldnt even answer the phone, he knows im on meds so he over looked it..but then he omes back over that night and gets into an argument with my dad about global warming, then at the end of the night when i make sure he makes it to his car he stands and argues with me about how global warming is real as opposed to maybe asking how im doing? maybe asking are you gonna be ok? no, he stands there and trys to freakin explain global warming, as if i cared at that point..im suicidal right now as it is, the last thing i care abou tis the freakin sun.. this is y i dont tell anyone, either they over react or dont give a shit..then the poeple that REALLY do understand me all kill themselves... explain the logic in that, cause i think its cause im meant to be alone.. i dream constantly about being kicked, yelled at, beatup, spat on, cut, whipped, and tortured and killed, just because i feel thats what i deserve..i even blame myself for things that have ABSOLUTLY NOTHING to do with me now..im tired of it, im tired of this and im tired of being alone.. i need someone whos gonna be there for me, someone i can trust with my life. no, instead everyone leaves me, and i know its me cause since i was a kid poeple have stopped being my friends after they got to know me cause they knew i was a freak..some friends online dont even talk to me anymore, they all say theyre busy, and completly avoid me. so i know its me, i know its me that drives poeple away, once poeple get to know me they hate me...i dont know what im doing to drive so many poeple away, but i dont wanna be alone.. damnit i want somebody...but i know theyll leave me too and it scares me to know that..please someone tell me im worthless, tell me to shoot myself, tell me to overdose, call me names, send me hate mail, anything.. or if u know of something that will kill me on OD send it to my email, or an eeasy pain free way send it to me...please i dont wanna live, i hate living, i have to go, at this point i know im not going to hell and if i am i dont even care, so long as im dead.. i get panic attacks and cry constantly, and i just wanna lie in my bed and never wake up agian...i wanna die SOOOOOOOOOOOOO badly..please anyone send any easy methods to my email, pm me or something..hate mail, call me names, spit in my face, shoot me i dont care.. please someone needs to hurt me, i deserve it..i need to be hurt.. then when i can take no more i can kill myself, but i need to be hurt, i shouldnt be breathing right now, i should be dead, buried, somewhere, i dont care where... i just want to die, and i want to as soon as possible..if anyone knows something to OD on or anything for a pain free death email me please.. please include how much you hate me and how you wish the worst for me and how i need to die.. i need more pain so i can finally end mine.. i dont wanna be alive, i have sooo many problems, i cant deal with them all... and im so stupid..and i fucking moron and the sooner i die the sooner the world gets better.. please someone, hurt me......
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know what it's like to be in so much pain you can't go on, so tired you can't imagine another day. all i can say is hang on. no matter what you believe right now, you do not deserve this hurt. you are not a bad person. you don't deserve this pain. i'm telling you right now, hang on, just like all the times you've helped me hang on. you won't always feel as bad as you do right this minute.

    later, let's talk about getting some support. but for now, hang on.

    c.
     
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    You're not a horrible person and you don't deserve to be hurt. That is reflective of how you feel about yourself and it is not reality. When we're so down we're hating ourselves, it's easy to find qualms to get angry and frustrated about. Your friend- for instance- may not have understood that you really needed him that second. And, it is unfortunate, but sometimes when you need a real friend around, people do what is best for themselves. It is difficult to find real friends who will be there for you whenever you need it. Such is life. It is is not just you. I wish you the best, and please continue to post how you are doing, because I'm worried, and I'm sure others are too.

    :hug:
     
  4. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    No one deserves to be hurt. You just seem to be going through alot of stress right now, there's alot of good therapy methods to help you relieve stress.

    If you feel medicene is making you worse you should get off it and inform your psychiatrist about it as soon as possible. You really don't need to be feeling bad, you sound like a good person and don't deserve it.

    I hope no one will PM you methods. We're a pro-life forum.
     
  5. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    You've only been on that medication for about a week, Angel. It takes longer than that for it to get absorbed into your system.
     
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hang in there Angel. I know it's hard right now, but your friends want you to live. I'm still here for you and so is usahana and dazzle.
     
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