I'm so sick of it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sunmeilan, Nov 5, 2007.

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  1. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    I've really tried to cope with my depression. I've moved countries, changed jobs, changed boyfriends, done a stint in a psychiactric ward, tried different medications, tried self-medication, tried to kill myself countless times. My latest attempt to get well has involved taking unpaid leave from work - but I still wish I could just go to sleep and end it all. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm staying with my mum at the moment, but all I do is worry her and she has a new man in her life and doesn't really need me here. My dad lives down the road, but manages to upset me every time I see him. I'm so angry with the odd friend that I have for not being there for me. I'm angry with myself for making such a mess of my life. I just don't know where to go next or who to turn to. I'm 38 years old and feel like my life is over and I've felt like that for most of my thirties. I know I will die by my own hand one day. It is just a matter of when and right now I wish it could be now.
     
  2. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Does writing about this really help you? I am asking because you were kind enough to respond to my first post, with encouragement. I thank you for that. Do you ever find it disturbing that you are pouring out your soul, and people from around the world are viewing your thoughts, and NOT responding to them? Does it ever make you feel worse? I am asking so many questions because my story is very similar to yours although you have a family around you. Is that what has kept you here?
     
  3. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    I guess I was hurt that no-one had replied before you - although I didn't really expect immediate replies either. I have always found that writing helps me when I am at my lowest. I do have family around me, although sometimes I think they are the cause of my problems! Certainly my relationship with my dad is difficult - not that I have ever been physically abused. Do they keep me going? Most of the time - my mum at least. There have been times in my life when they are not enough and I would have given anything to do away with myself, thinking that they would be better off without me. I feel that I am letting them down, which is an enormous burden to bear.

    Are you feeling any better for having visited the site?
     
  4. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    I am feeling a bit more connected, thank you for that. Not being able to have children is heartbreaking. I don't have siblings so I don't know how I would react to them having a baby. To be honest, I think it would be very hard to deal with, no matter how happy I was for them. How are you taking it?
     
  5. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Sorry, my posts take a bit, I live in the mountains and dial up is not lightning fast...
     
  6. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    That's OK! Im taking it day by day. My mum knows how I feel, although I think she thinks I'm being selfish much of the time. I haven't seen the baby yet, although I will have to soon. But yes, it is heartbreaking. At the moment, I just try to get through each day as best I can. The only person I really see is my mum.

    When you say you have no neighbours, do you mean literally? It sounds wonderful to me to be living up in the mountains, but I'm sure it can also be very isolating. Then again, I was living in London, which can also be a lonely place, despite all the people.
     
  7. Motogirl

    Motogirl Active Member

    Yes, literally. I live in a very beautiful, but very isolated area. My ex-husband shops for me twice a month and brings me the essentials. In response to your other question, believe it or not, I worked in a county mental health facility for years. I have talked to professionals but they were all co-workers. Not really objective. It didn't work for me. Has therapy helped you at all?
     
  8. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    Yes and no. I'm currently between therapists and miss my old one in many ways - I think it was just having someone to listen to me for an hour once a week. At the same time, I'm still feeling suicidal at times, like today, so it hasn't completely worked. Some days the littlest things can set me off -today it was just something stupid that my dad said.

    Interesting that you've worked as a mental health professional. I found that many of the workers that I came across during my treatment have suffered themselves at some point, to varying degrees. Would you ever go back to the job? I was a researcher, working in the criminal justice field, so came across a lot of people suffering from drug addiction and mental health problems. I'm taking unpaid leave at the moment, but honestly can't see me going back to the job - I just don't feel ready. Then again, as you have obviously experienced, being jobless is a frightening experience too. What to do....

    I'm about to go to bed - thankfully I am on a type of medication that helps me sleep. I've really enjoyed writing to you - hopefully we'll be in touch if you stay on the site. I really hope that things start to pick up for you soon. Please take care of yourself.
     
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