I'm so silly

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hangman, Nov 30, 2011.

  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    So I’ve been in this city now for a couple of months studying game development, a 3 year long education which will earn me a bachelor degree in computer science. It’s pretty fun I must admit, but it’s also a lot of work of course. I don’t mind spending a lot of time with school work to be honest, I kind of love school now for some reason. But I’m having some problems that get in the way of the schoolwork and balancing my mood.
    I moved away from home this summer, to this place where I now live alone. I am used to being alone and all, but I have been feeling down at times because of the facts that I don’t have my parents here or my brother. I have good friends here that I can hang out with from time to time, but everyone has their own lives too. What I miss the most is probably a girlfriend, someone to be intimate with, talk too, share feelings, share a bed at night. Someone to hold in my arms.
    I’ve had bad luck the last few years with love and relationships. My last relationship was over 5 years ago, which by the way was a total failure. I have a tendency to fall for cute faces, a girl with way too much problems, or someone who is my friend. I have ruined quite a few friendships because I fell in love, only to embarrass myself and feel too humiliated to ever look them in the eyes again. Last time I fell in love like that was about 3 years ago, and after a year I realized that it wasn’t worth it. She wasn’t interested in me, she just wanted someone to listen to her problems. So 2 years ago I kind of gave up on the whole idea of me ever having a girlfriend, and promised myself I wouldn’t fall in love again. It has worked out kind of okay, but right now I feel like this whole thing is going to break open and fuck up everything in my life.
    In my class there are 50 guys (nerds), me (nerd), and a girl. This girl is very shy and kind of has a hard time with getting her voice heard during presentations, and she fails schoolwork. She is also very cute…
    So, she has a cute face, she has problems, and we are kind of friends… do people ever change their patterns?
    I fear that I am falling for her, my worst nightmare is going to unleash itself upon me and kill off a friendship, kill of my education and probably her education too. Believe me, I don’t want any of this to happen. I just want to stop having feelings for her, ignore her pretty eyes and just forget about love again.
    So far, I’ve failed.
    She is best friends with best friend, this guy lives really close to me so we ride the bus together every day and do lots of other stuff… We are pretty good friends. But I wish I could talk to him about this problem I’m having, I wish I could tell him that I’m having feelings for her, possibly falling for her. But I’m so afraid of the consequences, that he would either mock me or try to make me talk to her about it… I don’t know… It’s just so fucking unbearable to not have anyone to talk some sense into me, slap me in the face and yell “Wake up dammit!”. Why on earth would I have any chance with her?
    that’s what I try to tell myself, that I don’t have any chance in the world of being with her. But as my gaze meets hers, I’m spellbound. If she smiles at me, I’m even more spellbound. But I know there is no way, there is not even a hint of interest. I’m just the friend of a friend. Fuck it.
    I’ve been doing so well these last months, no cutting for what seems like forever. Now I’ve cut myself again twice, last time in a place I’ve never cut before… This feeling of helplessness is just driving me insane.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun anyway of talking to your brother hun o n line reaching out that way. I think work on your school work okay perhaps help her if she needs help but you have to look out for you now Cutting will only cause more problems hun so don't okay Just stay friends for now and if something else happens it will on its own time hugs toyou