I can't stand the thoughts that are in my head. I'm not even sure they're really my thoughts - they feel like they've been planted there by someone else. I'm doing everything I can to stay alive right now. I really am. But is it enough? I keep finding myself with a blade held to the inside of my elbow. I know what my head wants me to do with it, but I'd either bleed out or never be able to use my right arm again. I nearly did it last night (with a pair of scissors of all stupid things), but I twisted around and cut my leg instead. Now I have four small cuts, two on each leg, but they're not proper cuts because this flu thing I've got is robbing me of almost all my strength. Typing hurts. I'm scared that the strength to do something stupid will come back before the strength I'll need to save myself. I'm all out of emotional strength. I just about have the strength to play the clown for short amounts of time, but only if I have someone to bounce things off. Replying to threads... Well, let's just say I can manage short replies only right now. I do care, I just don't have the strength to find the right words right now. I don't even know if there are any right words for myself. I'm sorry. I know some of you expect me to be strong, but right now that's exactly what I'm not.