I'm So Sorry... *triggering*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by RainbowChaser, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I can't stand the thoughts that are in my head. I'm not even sure they're really my thoughts - they feel like they've been planted there by someone else.

    I'm doing everything I can to stay alive right now. I really am. But is it enough? I keep finding myself with a blade held to the inside of my elbow. I know what my head wants me to do with it, but I'd either bleed out or never be able to use my right arm again. I nearly did it last night (with a pair of scissors of all stupid things), but I twisted around and cut my leg instead. Now I have four small cuts, two on each leg, but they're not proper cuts because this flu thing I've got is robbing me of almost all my strength. Typing hurts.

    I'm scared that the strength to do something stupid will come back before the strength I'll need to save myself. I'm all out of emotional strength. I just about have the strength to play the clown for short amounts of time, but only if I have someone to bounce things off. Replying to threads... Well, let's just say I can manage short replies only right now. I do care, I just don't have the strength to find the right words right now. I don't even know if there are any right words for myself.

    I'm sorry. I know some of you expect me to be strong, but right now that's exactly what I'm not.
     
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    No-one expects you to be strong hun :hug:

    Work on getting through this bad time, and we'll all help you through it :) :hug:
     
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I know you say that, but we both know that this is the longest and worse bad patch I've had in a while :sad:

    I dunno, maybe it's just best that I just leave everyone alone for now.
     
  4. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    Sammie :hug:

    What's going on, hon'?

    Take care of yourself. x
     
  5. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I think I'm going insane :cry:
     
  6. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    People saying "be strong" is for the most part, pointless. Especially when you don't feel strong. But you are stronger than you think you are, and you have people who care about you and want to help you feel better. You know that for sure :hug:
     
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I can't do this :cry: I'm sorry.
     
  8. JamJam

    JamJam Active Member

    Sammie don't do anything stupid please.Even though i've only known you a short while i know your a really good person, very kind and caring just do your best to pull through with whatever strength you have left and i'm sure you will be a happier person!Please don't put yourself through this pain :sad:
     
  9. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I messed up :cry:
     
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Sammie, this may well be a bad reaction to the new meds. I know when I started Wellbutrin, I had invasive foreign thoughts that were horrible and seemed like they were not my own and I thought I was going nuts. Please talk to your doctor and ask him what he thinks...you may need to stop the new meds. Once I switched, the thoughts stopped almost right away.
     
  11. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    This must be the third day that this same thought has been in my head... It's driving me crazy...

    If I do it, I might die...
    ...If I don't do it, I'll kill myself to get it out of my head​

    :cry:​