If I only could have seen it coming, I would have kept my mouth shut. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Although, I've felt suicidal for the past few months I kept it to myself. While my psychiatrist has been treating me for depression, I didn't feel it was important to tell her about my compulsive behavior and suicide attempt. I do like my psychiatrist, but I feel what I do with my life is my personal decision. I don't know how the subject got to suicide, but I mentioned to her that my compulsive behavior has turned suicidal. To make a long story short, I opened a pandora's box. I just didn't talk about it. I didn't lie to her, but she wasn't happy that I never shared this. She had pinned me into telling her what I've done. The appointment ended with an option to admit myself into the hospital or she would place a 5150 hold on me. The last time I was placed on a 5150 by a hospital ER, I vowed that I would never want to enter another psychiatric hospital. Now I faced with going back into the hospital. This time my doctor told me to admit myself and save me the trauma. Luckily for me the hospital psy ward was full today. But, I know I will be admitted next week. All the horrible feeling returned knowing that I will be locked away. I was so stupid. I'm worried that I will lose it while in the hospital. I've got to be the world's most stupid person. I would have been better off completed the suicide.