Ive called a suicide hotline a bunch of times now, and yes. it helped. But the fact is, I know it wont get better. My life is a mess. My therapist calls it "dissociative" somethin somethin, I dont know. What I do know.. is I never know exactly what im doing. I feel annoyed that its 2012. its 2012 and last thing I could really relate to was 2009. But no, im stuck here. Im stuck being 21 years old. when I dont feel that age. Ive been fighting the urge to die since I was a little kid, because my earliest memory, is of my mother trying to kick me ...and I was just a little kid.Both my parents hurt me, then more people hurt me. and its just not gonna get better.... I dont want to keep fighting im so incredibly tired. Im just so...tired. the therapist, who I finally got to talk to, just had a death in the family and is gone... even if she comes back, how can I expect her to listen to me when shes had a death in the family, I dont know who it was but still. Im feeling so tired of trying to get better, I dont want medication, you know why? because if I cant live in my own little world....and then i have to face my reality, which is that all this shit really happened to me.....then I think It might just kill me, make me snap. I feel horrible, and then I apparently go to therapy and say im fine...and everything isO.K. when its not. Why do I do things I dont mean to do...why does my life seem like a neverending time warp. I dont feel like I know anybody im around, Im sick of being here..Im sick of this. Its just gonna get worse I dont know where to turn. So I tried to just post here.