I'm so tired (might trigger)

I keep thinking about jumping. Everyday. I push it out of my mind every morning and pretend to be happy around everyone in my real life. I crack my jokes and act like a spaz to both keep on the mask in front of everyone and to lie to myself that I'm happy. I'm tired. I wish I'd never been born. When I was a kid my mother broke down once and told me I was a mistake. All of the therapy and the medication in the world can't erase that feeling. My entire life has just been one, big, ugly mistake. Before I left home I found all of my pictures. From birth up till the time I left, and destroyed them all. I donated almost all of my things to charity. It's been my way of erasing the mistake that was me. I thought about writing a letter to my mother, agreeing with her that I was indeed a mistake and should have been aborted.

I am never going to be happy, and I will never be functional. I'm 26 and can't even finish college.

 

you're the best mistake I ever meet.

 

You sound just like my friend sounded...

...I miss him dearly every damn day. I wish he would have talked to me before he left that morning.

Try not to worry so much about others expectations. Living is hard enough.

Hang in there. Talk to your loved ones, talk to us here. Take care of yourself.

 

26 is young. i graduated at 36.

 

I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on.

 

:hug: Z. I haven't been able to have the same opinion about my mother as I had before my father told me that my mother almost had me aborted before I was born, due to pressures from her family, which my father didn't get along well with them. He wanted a son, so he was able to use his persuasive abilities to convince her to give birth to me. Of course, since it turned out I was born disabled, he decided I wasn't what he wanted, so he began to resent me, up until he completely rejected me. Now, I do wish my mother would have aborted me.

 

if you jump only 50 feet, there is a good chance you will survive crippled. i can't remember the height for sure fatality. i think it was 150 feet. i'd have to look it up. many people die and become paralyzed but alive. or disable but alive.