I'm So Tired Now (Help? Suggestions?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by just_me_again, Apr 9, 2015.

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  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    I feel like a very typical case. I grew up poor, my parents didn't hug me enough, blah, blah blah. My mother is borderline and made my life a living Hell while I lived with her. She hated me. She loved me. Either way, I felt ripped apart. It took a long time to realize I was being abused. I thought it was normal. I was isolated and didn't have many friends. I thought that was my fault too. I struggled, flopping between being the Pollyanna and wanting to drown myself at any moment. Then I finally snapped and changed states to live with my aunt and then everything started to feel okay. I made friends at my school. I wish I found a boyfriend though. I've never had one and I want to feel loved.
    I can't afford to go to college. I thought I had been smart, and had it all figured out, but a little bit of fine print robbed me of any sense of hope. It was the only thing I looked forward to. The people I love all seemed so happy that I no longer constantly fantasized about killing myself and had my eyes on the future. It seems like every time I find some shred of a possibility of happiness, I blow it. I am so done with life.
    People keep telling me I need to be more optimistic, but how can you when everything you've ever gotten excited about went away or wasn't like what you pictured?
    The only times I ever feel okay is when I'm lost in a fantasy. I dream about being loved or being successful, or far away lands that my mind creates. Reality ensues pretty quickly. I can't die because it would hurt people. My friend told me that (I did what I was supposed to, I called a friend) but I still feel so empty and lonely and pitiful and pathetic and halfway gone.
    I want the pain to die or the meds to work or something ANYTHING to stop it all. I'm just so tired.
    Help? Suggestions?
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I have had similar experiences with feeling like something finally going my way and then it crashes. I kinda learned to "expect" it. But it seems like right now you just want some relief. Fantasy and games are great distraction tools but as Im sure you know they dont "fix" your life. Every time Im overwhelmed I just want to leave, get lost, not be here or "dissociate" its a coping mechanism.. I think something that helps and I do is, setting some sort of goal. If you have a goal, and steps to that goal it gives you ot can give you motivation. I think the hard part is figuring out where you want to go in life. And i try to think,maybe if something doesn't work out there must be a reason and maybe there's something better I haven't thought of yet. Idk.. I try to think of "if one door closes another door opens" quote. And hope that whatever is out there, karma or whatever, will lead me to where Im suppose to go next. But much of the time I feel like im in a storybook and someone is guiding my life. So idk. Im sorry if im not much help atm. But I can relate.
  3. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    I had a goal. It just didn't work.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Yea... One of my goals recently crashed too.. But the only thing I can try to do is hope theres a reason and something better will either come along or come to me. Unfortunately Im not in the most optimistic mindset right now either. But I think sometimes its ok to be down. Its ok to be depressed and feel hurt. We just maybe have to try and hold out until something better. At that point, find smaller goals to get thru. Right now my only goal is to get to my birthday cuz I want to go to red robin (restaurant) with my friends.. Im not really thinking about anything else right now.. Because I really cant handle it.. But at the same time Im also nkt exactly being very healthy. (drinking, smoking, spending money I dont have, etc) but I just have to make getting to my bday a greater importance then the bad things Im doing to myself. Im not sure how to word it right.. But.. I can't worry about the bad right now if I want to focus on my current goal of getting to my bday. I have to keep reminding myself and put it higher priority then putting myself down for what Im doing to myself. Otherwise im gona end up dead and hurting others. I have to kinda trick my brain.. Dissociate the bad when i can.. Force myself to prioritize what is "good" before what is bad. Tbh my brain is so messed up right now im just surprised my replys make any sense.(?) but just know ur not alone.
  5. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    I think the biggest problem is that it wasn't really my goal. I didn't have any goals before I had any hope. I just stumbled around in a dark cloud before, ever since I was little, distracting myself with anything and everything. I don't like anything. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do real life, because every time anyone tells me that everything will be fine, it won't be.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you want to say what happened? You might be eligible for a pell grant or some other type of financial aid.

    If you are eligible for financial aid, it's also important to keep in mind your state of mind and the level of stress that you can handle. Some good counseling could get you in the right direction.

    Fantasy can be a good thing. It might help if you make the fantasy a semi-realistic goal that you can work toward.

    Some of the info in my sig might help.
  7. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I can tell you. I wasn't able to get in state tuition, so despite having pell grants and other financial aid, I couldn't afford to go to school here. I have to go to school in my home state and town (which I really never wanted to go to ever again). This hit me hard, and everyone's been telling me to just go back and figure it out, but I can't think straight anymore. I had been having increasing trouble with memory and attention, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. Everything is stressful, and I'm trying to reach out and get help, but none of it is instant.
  8. On the brink

    On the brink New Member

    There is noting wrong with fantasy to get you through the day. The trick is don't let the realization some things in life will never be as grand as a fantasy (for anyone) bring you down. However, some of your fantasies sound attainable. You might not think that now, but meeting one person or getting one break in life can be a moment away and you don't know it. Those types of dreams can come true. Stay in the game. Have you tried different meds? Sometimes the hotlines are better than calling a friend because they don't let you down or say something stupid. I also found goals change as you go (I am twice your age) so your goals today might not even mean anything to you in five years.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2015
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