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I'm so tired of everything

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Well, this is probably going to be long, but I need some help so whatever. I'm tired. I guess I'll start off with having no friends. You see I'm almost 20 years old and I have had social anxiety my entire life. I'm also quite ugly. This doesn't really attract people and I know it's my own fault and I can't expect people to pursue me, but I'm lonely and I don't know what to do. The only people I hang out with are drug addicts and I see them once a week. I just go there, smoke pot, and drink until I pass out. While doing this, they are sure to let me know that I'm ugly at least once a night, it's great...

Obviously I've also never had a real girlfriend. I actually have only dated a girl online and I ended up getting hurt. I know it's immature. She lived about 8 hours away from me and gave me some hope. We used to go on webcam all the time and she was pretty, definitely out of my league. She had a lot of problems though, like myself. I guess that's why she was with me. She pretty much used me for comfort, and some webcam sex together. (I know it's sad.) She told me that she wanted me to move down there and live with her and I was actually planning to. That's when she told me that she had been sleeping with her ex boyfriend outside of our whole little online thing and she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It hurt, but that's life I guess. I shouldn't have been dating online in the first place, it's weird.

Then there's my education. I dropped out of high school when I was younger because of my anxiety. However, I have gone back this year and I've got about a year of high school left and I'm maintaining 85-95's. It doesn't feel good though. No satisfaction at all... I just feel like meh all the time. I'm not even sure it's worth going anymore, I can't see myself in college or university because I don't really like being there.

Finally, there is my health. I'm 5'8" 120lbs and I'm a 20 year old guy. The doctors say I don't have anything wrong with me and that it's just my metabolism but I feel very lethargic a lot and weak. I've also got arthritis and it really sucks... Crooked fingers, pain all the time. It's just extremely tiring. To add onto this I have a receding hairline, the face of a 16 year old boy, crooked teeth, and a bit of a lisp.

I don't even really have family. They've abused me my entire life... I mean, I still live with them, it's just we don't talk at all and whenever we do talk it's them putting me down. I know I'm not the greatest person on earth, but I wish people would stop. I can't even find a job because of all my problems.

I don't know what to do right now... I'm just tired as I said and I've really been thinking about killing myself a lot lately.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi You are very intellingent and i do hope you finish your schooling It will get you into meet people with your own interest Looks change okay you are still young you inner self your kindness is what matters You have to reach out okay please join different activities so you can meet other people Go to your doctor talk see if you can get some meds for you anxiety depression they will help you be more outgoing Here anytime you need to talk okay hugs


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
My son suffers from social phobia and has literally wasted the last ten years of his life.
Reading your post was like listening to him talk.
Now my son is far from ugly, a beautiful child who is now a handsome young man and thats not just mum speak everyone says so.
But he looks in the mirror and sees nothing but faults, insists he's fat when there's nothing of him and nit picks about the slightest flaw in his appearance.

Am wondering if you are doing exactly the same thing?
You say the people you hang out with say you are ugly but maybe you've been saying to them that you are ugly when you're stoned or drunk.
Either that or they're just nasty and should be dropped forthwith!

You sound profoundly depressed and should see your doc about getting help with it.
Meanwhile, welcome to the forum and know you can make some really good friends here, just dip your feet into chat and see what happens. :D
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