im so tired of feeling bad.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alice_0, Jul 4, 2009.

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  1. alice_0

    alice_0 Active Member

    well once again today things had to go to shit! i was finally feeling better, had a great day at work with my friends, me and one of my friends finally started talking again, and it seemed like the rest of the night would go good. then i get picked up from work (i dont have a car yet) and im told that i was rude on the phone and now my mom and her boyfriend are both pissed. and to top it off, my brother told them both that i said a whole bunch of stuff about them. true i did say some stuff, but i just needed someone to talk to. he does the same thing and i always listen to him, i loan him money, i always help him out, and then he stabs me in the back for it. i dont understand it, and its not right or fair. my moms boyfriend hates me and my brother both (which is another reason i dont know why he would tell them the things i said), and yes i know he hates us because my mom has told me so herself in those exact words. not that she seems to care. she always takes his side and says she loves him when he treats her like shit and hates her kids and even tells her that. i just dont understand. so i come home and i went ahead and apologized and said sorry if i had sounded rude on the phone with them, and they just kept telling me i was wrong and that everything was my fault and said that i always sound rude when i know i dont. i try so hard to do things right. im i good kid, i help out, i pay them rent, i do dishes, i do my own laundry, i keep the house clean, and when i was still in school i kept great grades never got in trouble, and always went to work without a complaint and all they ever do is make me feel bad about myself.
    so when they started getting mad and yelling at me today and wouldnt except my apology i got so frustrated and so upset because nothing i said or did or tried to explain seemed to make any difference, so i started crying and then they yellled at me for that too! nothing i do is ever right. im happy, they make me feel like shit, im sad they tell me to get over it and quit overreacting. my brother stabs me in the back to them when he's in the same situation as i am. and theres nothing i can do but sit and take it because i dont have the money for a car right now so obvoiusly i dont have enough money to move out, and they are my only ride to work so i cant do anything or they wont drive me anymore and its way to far to walk, and if i lose my job i'll never get out of here and wont be able to go to college. i just dont know what to do.
    and to top everything off its 4th of july and im going to be all alone for the night with no one and nothing to do. not that i would want my mom her boyfriend or my brother home right now, but i just dont want to be alone. im alone so much and i dont have anyone. i just dont know what to do. i know i dont deserve it but i cant help just hating myself after the way they treat me cause i feel like nothing i do is ever enough, ever good, or ever right.
    maybe it would just be better if i was dead. my own mother chose her boyfriend whose beat the shit out of her before and hates her kids, and my brother rats me out when he knowns hes the one person i had to talk to. so i just dont see much point. and im so tired of hurting and feeling bad and hating myself. i dont know what to do. i just dont want to be alive anymore, 'cause im just tired of hurting. im just tired of everything.
  2. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    Im spending 4th of July alone, in my friends house, while my other friends and my friend's family are going to go out and enjoy the fireworks. I was invited along, but i declined because I don't like being around my friend at this part of my life. I feel really alone too, and thats why I'm here.

    I don't know you, and you don't know me, but hey, thats a start. I'm in a crummy spot, and i can guess that you are too. See? Another thing we have in common.

    You aren't alone, no matter how you feel or what you're situation is. If anything, you have a friend +1 right now, but it comes at a high price.

    You gotta be alive to have a friend :biggrin:

    I hope this helps, but pm me if you need someone to talk to
    i hope you have a happy 4th, even after all of this.
  3. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Would it help if you could convince yourself that your problems aren't yours but your brother's (who is ratting you out in a vain hope that he'll get in good with the boyfriend, which will make his pain better) your mom's and her boyfriend's? That they're the ones that are screwed up, not you? Can you just decide that you're going to be numb to it, to let their insults and everyting flow right over you instead of getting inside you? Can you quietly save up the money to move out, then do it and not look back, leaving these people to deal with their own messed-up lives without having you around to blame?

    Or have you thought of all this already and my advice is totally useless. I'm still new here, and I'm not sure what to say, although I want to try to say something helpful.

    Hang in there. You're closer to getting away from them and getting started on your own much better life than it may seem. I'd hate for you to give up when you're on the verge of freedom.
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I don't really have much advice right now but i just wanted to let you know i'm here and i care, hopefully posting here will help you feel better a little, :hug: If you ever need to talk, feel free to pm me :)
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