I'm so tired of getting back up again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PumpkinTheCat, May 17, 2012.

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  1. PumpkinTheCat

    PumpkinTheCat New Member

    Hi... It's my first time posting here, I found this forum and I don't really know where else to turn. I'm so tired. I don't want to keep doing this anymore.

    I was raped as a child and suffered a lot of physical and mental abuse at home. My dad constantly told me to go kill myself because I was a burden to him and he didn't want to deal with me anymore. My first boyfriend sexually assaulted me when I was 15. I ran away twice, and both times I was taken advantage of and abused further. I got into college, but this past semester I had to drop out because I couldn't take the mental strain and I was diagnosed with depression, Aspergers, and anxiety. They put me on a ton of meds which just make me feel dependent and I hate that. I wasted a whole semester's room and board, and now I don't have enough money to pay for school in the fall. The job I was supposed to have backed out on me, and no one else is hiring around me. And to top it all off, my girlfriend who was the first person I trusted for so many things, the reason I had faith in anyone at all and who gave me a reason to live, broke up with me and started going out with some guy. She's also my best and only friend, so at this point I have no one.

    I'm so tired. Every time something happens I get back up and keep trying, only to get beaten down worse than I did before. I'm worthless, I'm stupid, I'm never good enough for anyone or anything. No one wants me. No one cares. My family just wishes I would die so they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I'm so lonely it's tearing me apart... The one person who tried to show me that I was worth something just threw me out in the end, just like everyone else... I'm nothing. I'm in so much pain. I just wish it would stop. I've already attempted twice in the past and failed both times. I can't even do that. I'm such a failure...
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That is a lot to deal with. Do you have any counselling or just the meds?
    Is your girlfriend still a friend

    You are not worthless, you got into college so you are not stupid. You are good enough, you have just had awful luck with partners .
     
  3. PumpkinTheCat

    PumpkinTheCat New Member

    I go to counseling but I feel like they just don't get it... the therapist straight up told me she's never met someone as deep in it as I am. That was such a lovely, reassuring thing to hear from a professional. And my girlfriend seems like she's trying to still be friends, but she's cut our interaction down by at least 90%. She's never there when I need her anymore.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Your gf is probably trying to put some distance between you so you can go back to being friends. This is good and I hope you can give her time.
    Your counsellor was foolish to say that. Other than that do you think she helps?

    Does your family really wish you were not around?
     
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