I'm so tired of hating how I look.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm 113 lbs at 5'4. I shouldn't be feeling fat. And yet, I do. Either my stomach isn't flat enough or my arms aren't toned enough, or my face looks too round. I hate this. I just wish I could be okay with myself. Maybe I really am totally delusional and the things I'm seeing aren't even there. I don't know anymore.It just makes me extremely depressed at times.

    And the most ironic part of it is, I was happy with how I looked a couple of days ago and I weighed exactly the same. But now somehow it looks different to me. I think I'm going batshit crazy at this point.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Have you ever heard of body dysmorphic disorder? It could be something along the lines of that.

    When I say I know how you feel, I really do. I cannot look into the mirror without feeling disgusted with myself. I hate how I look with a passion. I'm fat but my face is clear and ok and I keep my hair done nicely but I really feel fat and ugly. I feel embarrassed about myself.

    :hug: xxxx
  3. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I know what it is. I never thought I had it though cause I was so sure what I was seeing was really there. But now that I got to that low of a weight and I'm still seeing the same things I'm not so sure anymore. Well, I've lost weight in a pretty unhealthy way, so I don't want to encourage you to do what I've done. I've limited myself to 750 calories at most, drinking and eating everything sugarfree/low-calorie/diet. I mean, it's worked, and rather quickly at that without any exercise even, but it's probably not the best way to go about it.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    750 Kcal is very low. You couldn't be getting the proper nutrients on that. Are you taking vitamins? I think there's a good possibility you suffer from body dysmorphic disorder, I watched a documentary on it before and it basically is how you're feeling and thinking of yourself. Negative thinking about our image can bring us very down, i'd see your doctor. I know you are an intelligent person with a lot of capabilities so would love to see you not suffering in this way.

  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well, I also have crohn's, so there are a lot of things I can't eat just due do that. I can't eat a lot of red meat, fried things, dairy, fiber, caffeine, fruits, vegetables, and the list goes on. So all I really eat is crackers, white rice, potatoes, bread, cereal with soy milk, and white meat. So I definitely don't get a lot of the things I'm supposed to get probably, but a lot of it I have no choice in. I don't take vitamins cause honestly I can't afford to keep buying them. I'm already on like 5 other meds, one of which I have to buy OTC every month for like $30. I've been looking for a new psychiatrist, but no luck so far. The places I've tried calling haven't called back. I've been to like at least 3 or 4 of them near where I live already so it's not an easy task to find a new one at this point lol. But yeah, I'm even finding myself googling how much weight could possibly be gained from undigested meals and not having gone to the bathroom. I worry so much after like the littlest amount of weight gain even though I know logically it has to be for another reason cause there's no way I could gain anything eating the amount of calories I eat. But I see the number on the scale and regardless just start panicking. Although sometimes that damn thing lies to me, too. I'll weigh myself one second and it's one thing and then I do it again and I'm somehow half a pound lighter. It messes with my head so much.
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear hon, but I really think at this point you have a problem. I know you posted about it a few weeks ago and were wondering to yourself if you had an eating disorder - I think now you have to accept to yourself at least that this is a genuine issue.

    I have read your other posts and I really hope I don't make you mad, but your thoughts and feelings ring all sorts of ED alarm bells. The attitude that people are only concerned about your weight because they are jealous or don't want you to look good - the happiness with your current lower weight only lasting a couple of days each time - the anger at anyone who suggests that you are too thin etc. It is all indicative of a real issue and I think that you have enough experience with addiction to know that the line between obsession and addiction is very very thin.

    I really think that you need to see a doctor about this quite urgently (I know you have been trying and that is a really good thing). 750 calories, crohns disease or not, is not enough nutrition and the behaviours you are describing are unhealthy.

    I had a close friend who developed anorexia and turned to taking illegal drugs to drop her weight more dramatically and to stop her caring about/feeling hungry etc. It didn't end well.

    You are an incredibly smart woman with a hell of a lot going for you - and I know (from reading your posts) that you have worked really really hard at overcoming a number of things to get where you are. Even if you cannot control this alone, acknowledging to yourself that it IS a distorted thinking pattern and that even though you want to be thinner, it is not a lot different to wanting a fix; wanting it and it being a good idea are worlds apart.

    Keep talking and stay safe :hug:
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I could not have said it any better than Freya just did, your knowledge on a lot of subjects is really good, you're very intelligent. I think yes, you have a problem and need to get it seen to asap.

    hugs :hug:
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    When I said that my mom might just be saying it because she's jealous, I seriously would not be shocked at all if that was the case and my husband said he wouldn't either because she's always been a manipulative ass like that. She doesn't want me to be fat, but she doesn't want me to look "too" good either. And I say this because she tells me I look good when I wear certain things one minute, and then the next minute she says it's too skinny. I'm not trying to sound egotistic at all when I say that, I just think that it could very well be the case when it comes to her (only her, not anyone else). As for my husband, well, he says it too and I know it's not for any alternative reason, or because he's being manipulative, but I just can't bring myself to believe that he really thinks that because he still has sex with me just as much as before and maybe he just doesn't want to admit I look better because he knows it would hurt my feelings if he indicated I didn't look as good before. And not only would it hurt my feelings, he knows I would try even harder to stay the way I am or lose more weight if he said it and he wouldn't want that because he's afraid I'm going to end up being underweight and still think I'm fat (which I admit could be a possibility). So, I feel like I can't really trust his opinion because he might just not want to upset me and/or hinder my health if he said anything different.

    Also, like, I know this is kind of wrong, but when people say I'm too skinny, I know it's not really meant to be a compliment but I can't help but take it as one anyway. I got so used to being told I was too fat when I was younger that now when people say I'm too skinny, I can't help but think "Thank god, finally. They're saying something different now." The things you're saying about your friend and doing drugs though, I definitely get that because the past several times I've relapsed I noticed myself not caring to eat at all that day, and it made me happy as hell that I wasn't even hungry and perfectly content not eating. Plus, the past 2 times the dope I got ended up being a lot stronger than I thought, so strong that every time I smoked a cigarette after shooting up, it made me want to puke my guts out, and I did just that, and that made me happy too...that I was getting rid of what I ate the day before even. I know that's terrible but that's how it made me feel.

    I haven't gone to the bathroom in a few days, and my weight went up 1 and a half pounds because of it. I know it's because I haven't gone to the bathroom, but it still depressed the hell out of me and all I did was cry (when nobody was looking) and sleep to try to get out of my head. Also, I decided to stay on a liquid diet that day, eating only jello and broth, and lied to my husband that the main reason for it was because I was worried there was too much food backed up in my stomach and if I kept eating, I might end up with another bowel blockage (which I've had 2 of in the past 3 months), when in actuality the main reason was that I was afraid of seeing the number on the scale fly up even more if I put more food in there, whereas liquids I would just pee out by the end of the day. So yeah, you're right, it isn't very far from addiction because I'm finding myself lying now about my intentions, just like an addict.

    It's my family that fucked me up this much though, and it makes me so angry when I think about it. After I made that last post in my diary on here, I went back to look at some of the previous things I had written a few years ago because I was bored and trying not to think about eating, and I came across a post I wrote about my brother. When my ex and I were breaking up and making up constantly due to his drug problems, I left the one day and planned on staying with my brother for a bit to try not to think about him and not have to stay in that room by myself looking at all the empty spaces where his things used to be. And while we were in his car, I forget how it came up but I ended up telling him that all the shit he used to say to me about me being fat scarred the hell out of me and turned me into a complete nutcase. I asked him why he did that to me. And he said he was sorry and he was just immature at the time, if he could take it back he would, that it hurt him to see me cry, and blah blah blah. So, as I'm reading that post, I'm feeling tears streaming down my face because it reminded me that he did apologize and it made me feel like maybe I should let that bullshit go once and for all. Yeah, not so much. Then I read the next post I wrote after that which was the very next day after he apologized, and those tears turned into white hot rage. Apparently, (and I had completely forgotten this even happened until I read it), the next day, he didn't hesitate to criticize me eating a burger for dinner that night, telling me I'd get fat again if I kept doing it. And the funny part was, I had only had an apple and a rice krispie treat to eat all day before that damn burger. It was the first actual meal I had that entire day and there he is telling me I'm going to get fat, despite every fucking thing he said the day before. I couldn't believe it when I read it. If it didn't end up landing him in a jail cell, I wanted to tell my husband to fucking go over there and punch him in his smug ass face for that. I can't believe he would do that to me. Act so sincere and caring and then just take it all away like it meant nothing.

    And that's the story of my life. That's why I'm as screwed up as I am.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2015
  9. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Sigh. I feel so bad for even thinking this, but part of me is considering getting high just to be able to throw everything up that I have in my stomach so that my weight goes down again. Weighing myself is like a compulsion at this point. I know I still haven't gone to the bathroom so I know it's still going to be higher than it should be and yet I weigh myself anyway just to get more depressed and keep hoping I'll have to go to the bathroom soon. But since I don't have to go, I find myself sitting here thinking whether I should try taking laxatives, although I know that's a bad idea because overuse of laxatives can also cause bowel obstuctions, which I definitely don't want to deal with again. So, the other 2 options are either wait until I do go and be depressed in the meantime, or get high and hopefully throw it all up like I did before. And thinking about getting high is making me crave it, even though it's for a different reason than usual...so I'm finding myself wanting to take more Suboxone because of that. I don't know why the hell I'm doing this to myself. I don't want to, but I can't stop. I'm scared to look in the mirror. I'm scared to step on the scale, though I do it anyway. I'm scared to eat. I'm even scared to drink cause there's the nagging thought of what if I don't pee it all out, even though I know that's stupid and I will.