I guess I really haven't talked too much about my whole perspective. I haven't really talked about my whole outlook on life. I don't know, today, I feel really bad. I'm being honest with myself. Looking at my true existence and seeing how incredibly pathetic it is. I don't have a life...I'm not a person, I'm just wasted space. I'm not of worth to anyone or anything. Look, at my pathetic existence. I'm just some dorkwith an internet connection. I went to school until the 7th grade, then dropped out. I'm almost 16 now and in the 11th. I understand what everyone on this planet is telling me. I'm just something that they rejected. I didn't fit in with anything, I just embarassed myself when I was young, and everyone hates me when I'm older. I can't do anything. I understand, nobody wants to be my friend. Nobody wants to love me. Nobody wants me, period. Given I had to say I was going to die, there'd be no intervention. I don't have family. I dismembered that from my heart and mind so long ago. I never have, and never will say that I love any of them. I've told them before. I don't touch them, no hugging, anything. I don't talk to them about my problems, I don't talk about my life. I don't have friends, I don't deserve them. Look, at my life...I'm so alone. And I can't do anything about it. I'm always gonna be alone. People will come and go, but I don't ahve anything. I don't have confidence, I don't have knowledge, I don't have anything. What does it come down to? This, me, I'm nothing. Nothingness, simply Oblivion. I need to die. Nobody will know if I do, and I think I can pull enough of my idiotic mind together and learn to kill myself. I just don't have anything. No confidence, no self-esteem...I can't do anything. It was a recent vacation...we had been riding rides with a few of my cousins. I don't really hang out with them, so it was still kinda like, impression-like. Well, they had this random picture taking part of this one ride. And I had closed my eyes. I wasn't scared. What happened was it shoots forward, and sprays air on you. But I did it twice, both times we went on. I looked like such an ass. I seriously just wanted to die. I hated myself, so bad...I remember just trying to break my finger, but not too hard. Yeah, I didn't. That's me, just this weak guy. A couple months ago, there waas this party at this dance studio my other cousins owned. His son had invited me to go to the little party like dance thing. I remember getting there, talking around. I just put up a mask, I wasn't talking... But about 15 minutes later, they all went to dance. I stood in the next room, and sat down. All alone. There were 3 rooms. Two rooms were exactly the same size, and had little windows, I guess to observe or something. But it was the older kids in the left room, younger in the right. I sat in the room, where there wasn't anyone. I sat for about 2 hours. I had just kept sipping this cup of fruit punch, and opening and closing my phone. I really just looked at myself. And that I'm that bad. 2 hours, is so long when someones alone. And I had to watch, for two hours. I could hear that music, and I could see everyone having fun. I was so hurt over it. I tried not to be, but I was. I don't know how many times I bit my lip, or tried to pinch myself to not breakdown. My hands were so cold. My arms and legs had been stiff from holding the same position. I tried to like, look around a little bit that way people wouldn't know I'm depressed. I really don't want anyone to know. But after that 2 hours, I just decided to leave, but I wa spicked up on the way out anyway. That night, I just kept circling those thoughts. I don't know how many times I've cried. I hate myself so much for it. I'm a guy, and I can't do anything but cry. Look at myself and cry. I'm so disapopinted. No matter how hard I try to do any good, it'll never get anywhere. I'm just so worthless. But I'm just getting hurt over it, that's all. Being alone isn't that bad, I'm just being weak. I guess someone like me deserves this, and deserves to hurt. Because I will keep depriving myself of sleep. And I'm getting dangerously close to hurting myself. I have a book of matces in my pocket, and 3 razors behind me. It's been so long, but i really want to do it. This stupid person, me, I think I'm getting off easy. I think I need to hurt some more, because I'm not doing anyone any good. Just complaining about my feelings really pisses me off. I have so many embarassing, and hurtful moments in my life. I remember each and every bad one. When I was 11, I had gone camping with some friends of my parents. I never knew them, but they offered to let me stay 2 nights there. I don't what it was that day, but I was kinda off mood then. Oh I'm just so pissed off writing this... They were serving dinner, and they had some cake after it. I had cut a piece first, and they're oldlest son, probably 25 or higher yelled. He said somethign about letting the older people first. As he was yelling I looked at cake and just put it down. I started to cry. I was, and still am so, so mad at myself. I am so disappointed, I did that. In front of 8+ people. Thing that really makes it hard, I see the same people now, 4 years later. I know they think of that when they see me. I hate myself so much. I'm such an embrassment. If I did such weak things once, I'll do it again. Nobody will like such a persoon like me. I've failed at life once, still am, and will always. I can't do anything in this life. I just sit around. If I'm anywhere, I just stare off into things. I don't have fun. I don't have friends. I don't have love. I don't have respect for myself. I don't deserve anything.