I'm so tired of it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Will, Oct 24, 2006.

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  1. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I guess I really haven't talked too much about my whole perspective. I haven't really talked about my whole outlook on life.

    I don't know, today, I feel really bad. I'm being honest with myself. Looking at my true existence and seeing how incredibly pathetic it is.

    I don't have a life...I'm not a person, I'm just wasted space. I'm not of worth to anyone or anything.

    Look, at my pathetic existence. I'm just some dorkwith an internet connection. I went to school until the 7th grade, then dropped out. I'm almost 16 now and in the 11th.

    I understand what everyone on this planet is telling me. I'm just something that they rejected. I didn't fit in with anything, I just embarassed myself when I was young, and everyone hates me when I'm older. I can't do anything.

    I understand, nobody wants to be my friend. Nobody wants to love me. Nobody wants me, period.

    Given I had to say I was going to die, there'd be no intervention.

    I don't have family. I dismembered that from my heart and mind so long ago. I never have, and never will say that I love any of them. I've told them before. I don't touch them, no hugging, anything.

    I don't talk to them about my problems, I don't talk about my life.

    I don't have friends, I don't deserve them.

    Look, at my life...I'm so alone. And I can't do anything about it. I'm always gonna be alone. People will come and go, but I don't ahve anything. I don't have confidence, I don't have knowledge, I don't have anything.

    What does it come down to?

    This, me, I'm nothing. Nothingness, simply Oblivion. I need to die. Nobody will know if I do, and I think I can pull enough of my idiotic mind together and learn to kill myself.

    I just don't have anything. No confidence, no self-esteem...I can't do anything. It was a recent vacation...we had been riding rides with a few of my cousins. I don't really hang out with them, so it was still kinda like, impression-like.

    Well, they had this random picture taking part of this one ride. And I had closed my eyes. I wasn't scared. What happened was it shoots forward, and sprays air on you. But I did it twice, both times we went on. I looked like such an ass. I seriously just wanted to die. I hated myself, so bad...I remember just trying to break my finger, but not too hard.

    Yeah, I didn't. That's me, just this weak guy.

    A couple months ago, there waas this party at this dance studio my other cousins owned. His son had invited me to go to the little party like dance thing. I remember getting there, talking around.

    I just put up a mask, I wasn't talking...

    But about 15 minutes later, they all went to dance. I stood in the next room, and sat down. All alone.

    There were 3 rooms. Two rooms were exactly the same size, and had little windows, I guess to observe or something. But it was the older kids in the left room, younger in the right.

    I sat in the room, where there wasn't anyone. I sat for about 2 hours. I had just kept sipping this cup of fruit punch, and opening and closing my phone. I really just looked at myself. And that I'm that bad.

    2 hours, is so long when someones alone. And I had to watch, for two hours. I could hear that music, and I could see everyone having fun. I was so hurt over it. I tried not to be, but I was. I don't know how many times I bit my lip, or tried to pinch myself to not breakdown.

    My hands were so cold. My arms and legs had been stiff from holding the same position. I tried to like, look around a little bit that way people wouldn't know I'm depressed. I really don't want anyone to know.

    But after that 2 hours, I just decided to leave, but I wa spicked up on the way out anyway.

    That night, I just kept circling those thoughts.

    I don't know how many times I've cried. I hate myself so much for it. I'm a guy, and I can't do anything but cry. Look at myself and cry. I'm so disapopinted.

    No matter how hard I try to do any good, it'll never get anywhere. I'm just so worthless.

    But I'm just getting hurt over it, that's all. Being alone isn't that bad, I'm just being weak. I guess someone like me deserves this, and deserves to hurt. Because I will keep depriving myself of sleep.

    And I'm getting dangerously close to hurting myself. I have a book of matces in my pocket, and 3 razors behind me. It's been so long, but i really want to do it.

    This stupid person, me, I think I'm getting off easy. I think I need to hurt some more, because I'm not doing anyone any good. Just complaining about my feelings really pisses me off.

    I have so many embarassing, and hurtful moments in my life. I remember each and every bad one.

    When I was 11, I had gone camping with some friends of my parents. I never knew them, but they offered to let me stay 2 nights there. I don't what it was that day, but I was kinda off mood then.

    Oh I'm just so pissed off writing this...

    They were serving dinner, and they had some cake after it. I had cut a piece first, and they're oldlest son, probably 25 or higher yelled. He said somethign about letting the older people first. As he was yelling I looked at cake and just put it down. I started to cry. I was, and still am so, so mad at myself. I am so disappointed, I did that. In front of 8+ people.

    Thing that really makes it hard, I see the same people now, 4 years later. I know they think of that when they see me. I hate myself so much. I'm such an embrassment. If I did such weak things once, I'll do it again.

    Nobody will like such a persoon like me. I've failed at life once, still am, and will always.

    I can't do anything in this life. I just sit around. If I'm anywhere, I just stare off into things. I don't have fun. I don't have friends. I don't have love. I don't have respect for myself.

    I don't deserve anything.
     
  2. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Ok, I'm ready to take more shots at myself. This isn't anything. I can be so much more angry at myself.

    I'm so embarassed. I know once I tell anyone anyting, nobody will want ot talk to me. Think about it, when you're reading my words, like some sort of confession, you can say anything you want, but I know there's a feeling inside that you don't want to talk to me.

    It's ok, I mean, who would?

    About a year after that awful camping trip, there was 7th grade. I pissed some kid off for some reason, he wanted to steal my money or something. I remember he chased me with a goflclub. I just ran and ran. Outran him, but...

    I remember getting back into the house. I wasn't scared. But I was ashamed. I cried again.

    Hell, I just keep remembering...

    It wasn't 2 months before that, I was walking up the street, and some kids started throwing snowballs at me. Pelting and pelting. I remember just walking away. I was pissed at them, but another part made me realize, I wasn't wanted.

    I really ain't wanted. And guess what I did when I got back? I'll let you fill the blanks.

    I just, I don't want to live anymore. I know people said life's hard, but this is all my fault. Not anyone elses.

    I was abandoned, my parents didn't want me. My dad commited suicide, and my mom always tries to.

    I was molested, probably 4 or 5 times, but by the same person. Same guy. It couldn't be a girl, no, they chose me. I was a guy's playtoy. And I couldn't feel any worse.

    When I was 8 or 9, I used to do awful things. Slighty Sexual oriented. I really don't want to talk about it. I'm so disgusted.

    When I was youngerm, I used to mess with animals. Nothing really grresive, but still liked hurting them.

    I hate myself so much for that. I hate myself for the way I acted.

    But this is me. This is me. I'm so messed up. But I understand why people don't like me. They hate me, everyone will.

    I'm a bad person, such a bad bad person. Bad people need to be punished, and if no one else will do it, I will do it myself. To myself, by myself.

    It's all my fault...it's all my fault...
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Your not a bad person, and im still talking to you. I care about you and want you to get thru this, and im gonna do all i can. None of this is your fault, and you cant change it. So you need to learn to live with it but put it behind you. Take care, please x
     
  4. DepressionII

    DepressionII Well-Known Member

    I see so much of myself in you, it hurts. This is probably going to sound like bullshit, but at least you have enough emotion to cry. I fucking wish I could do it. Even if you cry over things that you may think are trivial, really it's something to be proud of, that you're in touch with your emotions, not some mindless jock that suppresses it all until he's on the road to ruin. I can't cry. I try hard to do it, I really do, but it never comes, and I get so close but then it turns backward and I just get angrier.

    As for doing things when you were younger, man, kids can be cruel, it's not unusual. I've unfortunately done a bit of this myself when I was 10 or 11, but I've potentially set a human child up for grievous physical and emotional trauma for the rest of his life. You seem to regret it now, and animals don't have a very long memory span - whatever animal you hurt, while I'm not condoning your actions, has either forgotten about it by now or is long dead.

    At least you don't troll the streets looking for victims or whatever. You really are not that bad bro.
     
  5. fran

    fran Member

    heyaa, you arent awful for doing those things you were in a bad place or a bad way whatever. But people can change you know, you can prove to everyone else and yourself that you are worthy and a great person. I mean i have cried so many times lol over such pathetic things too like on my 18th bday i had a party at my aunts house and when they were doing the cake or sumthing like that they sprayed me with silly string and i just burst int tears haaa. I dont like practical jokes lol. But if you get over the things youve done and dont care about them any more then somehow you just dont give a shit if people are still laughing about it coz that just makes them losers lol. Maybe go to the doctors and ask to talk to someone, it might help you like get rid of your worries etc. it took me a few people to tlk to before i met the right person. Anyway maybe you should take a sport or sumthing to help keep your mind off things, going to the gym is always good and then you look around and your all buff lol. hope this helps, if you want to tlk more im always here. Love soph. xxxxx :)
     
  6. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    It's still bad enough. This is the third day i've felt all depressed. I'm dying here. I haven't hurt myself for awhile, I don't think I can bring myself to. But I'm in a world of pain.

    Though in a sense, since self harm is a disctraction from the mental pain. Somehow I noticed it huruts more to take everything in. No avoiding it. It hurts alot.

    I don't know what to do...
     
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