I'm losing my will to live. The pain from being a male-to-female transsexual is too much. Asperger's Syndrome isn't helping, either. I've felt strong gender dysphoria for a decade. I recently turned 31. I've been taking hormones for 4 years, but I still look like a guy, no matter what I do. Looking in the mirror makes me cry. Meanwhile, in this same time period, transgender friends of mine have transitioned and moved on with their lives. They can do that because they pass. I'm instead stuck like this. Other than to go to work, or viait my parents' house, I don't leave bed anymore. I don't feel like doing anything, including use my computer. I just want to lie here and cry. Or sleep, since I'd rather be asleep than feel the pain of being awake. My parents and friends do not understand me. When I told my parents that I lie in bed all day and cry, their response was to ask me what I wanted them to do about it. When I told a friend that the Lord of the Rings movie on TV at my parents' house made me cry because I wished I were pretty like the elf women, she simply told me that I bring this on myself. Another friend says that I need to "try". I don't get much out of my hormone doctor, shrink, and therapist, either. My shrink has me on two antidepressants, which isn't enough to get me out of bed or avoid suicidal thoughts. My therapist says I need to lower my expectations of what I can achieve looking like, but I don't control my wanting to die because I look male. It's just part of me. Then my hormone doctor doesn't know what to do, since I'm on a high dose of estrogen as it is. I wish I would just die. My life just isn't worth anything to me.