I'm so tired of this life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kittylover, Oct 21, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'm losing my will to live. The pain from being a male-to-female transsexual is too much. Asperger's Syndrome isn't helping, either.

    I've felt strong gender dysphoria for a decade. I recently turned 31.

    I've been taking hormones for 4 years, but I still look like a guy, no matter what I do. Looking in the mirror makes me cry. Meanwhile, in this same time period, transgender friends of mine have transitioned and moved on with their lives. They can do that because they pass. I'm instead stuck like this.

    Other than to go to work, or viait my parents' house, I don't leave bed anymore. I don't feel like doing anything, including use my computer. I just want to lie here and cry. Or sleep, since I'd rather be asleep than feel the pain of being awake.

    My parents and friends do not understand me. When I told my parents that I lie in bed all day and cry, their response was to ask me what I wanted them to do about it. When I told a friend that the Lord of the Rings movie on TV at my parents' house made me cry because I wished I were pretty like the elf women, she simply told me that I bring this on myself. Another friend says that I need to "try".

    I don't get much out of my hormone doctor, shrink, and therapist, either. My shrink has me on two antidepressants, which isn't enough to get me out of bed or avoid suicidal thoughts. My therapist says I need to lower my expectations of what I can achieve looking like, but I don't control my wanting to die because I look male. It's just part of me. Then my hormone doctor doesn't know what to do, since I'm on a high dose of estrogen as it is.

    I wish I would just die. My life just isn't worth anything to me.
  2. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Your friends and family wont get how you're feeling. Nobody understands depression or suicidal thoughts unless they've been there themselves. Trust me, I was the number one guy to say "Just suck it up man!!" until it happened to me.

    Your situation is tough because unlike the rest of the population you can't just "work harder" and eat better to become more attractive. I don't know much about hormones or switching genders so I'd tend to agree with your therapist. If it IS impossible for you to become attractive in your mind... then you need to look for other ways to be happy. Live vicariously through another transgender male (don't know your sexual orientation). Most guys don't care what they look like so long as they've got a hot woman next to them ;) Maybe it could work the same for you?

    He're another radical thought, what if you switched from estrogen to testosterone?

    Again, NO idea how that stuff works really, but I know low testosterone in males will cause depression and laziness. By giving yourself more of it you might strengthen that part of your brain that says... "Fuck yeah! I'm a badass dude and I can chew through solid steel while wrestling alligators and nobody can touch me because I'm the mothereffin KING"

    I realize of course that giving up on the future you want is psychologically the same as killing yourself. And you'd see doing something like that as irreversibly damaging your progress so far. It's just something to ponder.

    I'd also think that there's more at work here than just the hormones. It's possible your endocrinologist just isn't as experienced with transgenderism. Is he the same person that your friends use? I'm sure you've done miles of research on this already... If not, man I just don't see how it would be downright impossible for you to get the results you want. If the difference between you and your friends is a nose-job, a face lift and some breast implants... well you've got a $10k handicap but you can still get there by selling your car. Worth it if it's the only way to move on with your life :)

    Anyways, good luck miss ;) I'll be here if you need me, hope you feel better.
  3. kittylover

    kittylover Well-Known Member

    I'd rather be dead than male. I much prefer how I feel on estrogen - I feel much more like myself.

    My endocrinologist works with a lot of transpeople.

    I have money for plastic surgery, but I don't think it'd help.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.