I'm so tired, emotionally and mentally. I've been thinking a lot lately and taking time off of the net. When I do use it, I check e-mails, facebook for a bit and log on here. I always listen to music whenever I'm online. For awhile I've been noticing and picking up on things about myself. There's times where I feel as if I'm always going on in circles. Whenever I'm emotionally upset, my logic gets clouded. However when I'm not crying or upset I think straight and able to handle a situation. Anytime I get upset, I break down and cry, it's always from me feeling ignored, people's comments that are hurtful and the way I see others being treated. It upsets me when I see somebody else I care about being treated unfairly. I have so much love in me that sometimes I feel it's a curse. People tell me all the time, "your so caring and sweet. you understand and you don't judge me." My whole life I've always been quiet and a little bit shy until I get to know people better. After being abused I like to watch people's reactions, listen to them speak and see what kind of person they are. I've always dealt with depression my whole life and it depresses me when I hear about other's suffering. Sometimes I get so emotionally drained and worn out than I have to take a break from people to be alone. I know there's horrible things going on in the world and I have no control over it, but it depresses me so much. I've always wanted to make the world a better place and I do want to do that still. I want to make documentaries about things, write, blog, paint, just express myself and help with the charity. I'd like to be a type of speaker for people if I could and spread awareness about things. I've picked a lot of negative and wrong type of people to be friends with. Some of them are good, others are still abusing drugs or in some way takes me for granted, online and offline. Than I met some other nice caring people and I get so happy when I meet those people. I'm just so depressed and tired about things in life and I know I shouldn't let it get me down, yet it does sometimes. Literally anytime someone bullies me or acts mean to me, I have a emotional breakdown and get negative about everything. I say a lot of things I don't mean and get very harsh, sarcastic, pessimistic and somehow it leads to me wanting to end my life. It triggers me and makes me think of all the times I've ever been abused and bullied by people. I've been abused more than once and been bullied my entire life, including High School and I know other people go through this and it's horrible. My mother babied me cause of everything that happened to me. I'm 33 years old and I still feel young inside from all the abuse and bullying I've been through. She even admitted to me yesterday that she babied me so much and how she can tell that I'm not used to people being very blunt or harsh in general which is true. Lately I've been hanging out with this guy lately who I like a lot and he likes me. I told him to not baby me and how I'm so tired of being so emotionally sensitive and how everyone always tip toe around me cause how I'm not used to it. He's a caring and friendly friend and I can tell when he cares. When he does joke with me or is blunt, I look at his face and study it. I can tell how he's not out to hurt me or abuse me in any way. He's just expressing a point and is just very blunt about his opinions. Anytime someone is blunt with me, I always took it to heart and thought people were trying to abuse me and got super paranoid. I thought about this a lot yesterday and it made me realize all the patterns that have been going on. I know this is a long thread and I thank those who took the time to read it, I just seriously needed to get this off of my chest.