I'm so tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Roads, May 2, 2009.

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  1. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    I don't really know how to start this. I made an account here a long time ago, I'm not knew to depression and suicidal feelings.

    I've been trying to "get better" and improve my quality of life for so long that I'm just becoming really weary.

    I was diagnosed as clinically depressed when I was a little kid. I've been on a number of anti depressants since then and have been in and out of therapy for years. I fight suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, and it gets harder everyday.

    A big part of my problem is that it is extremely difficult for me to make friendships and form relationships. I'm 21, I spent the first 20 years of my life without ever really having friends or a girlfriend or anything. I got bullied and picked on a lot in school and spent 99% of my life growing up totally alone. I just got out of my first real relationship with a girl which I believe to be one of the worst and most depressing experiences of my life (the relationship itself and the breakup). I was ultimately taken advantage of and used by this person.

    I have almost no social anxiety for some reason and I can approach and talk to women (and people in general) very easily (I'm "on the prowl" constantly). But they never end up liking me or wanting to be around me, and after a while I just get ignored. I'd be thrilled to take a girl out on a date and have a fun time, but I never really get the chance. I don't think I'm ugly and I feel like I'm easy to get along with and likable, but in practice it apparently isn't true and I just don't fit the bill.

    The only friend I have is the girl who supplies me with marijuana, and she won't talk to me anymore because her house got broken into and she thinks I did it because i'm the only person she "let into her life" in years. Being as she is the only human being I could consider a friend that I've ever had, this has sent me into a massive depressive episode.

    I feel no emotions towards my family and am very distant from them; they harbor great dislike for me because of my social failure and the fact that they do not understand depression. I don't really speak to them. To them I'm just a mistake. All I feel toward them is resent for the fact that they created me and put me into this rat race.

    The one thing I ever felt passionate about: music, guitar and my band, is going down the toilet. Music has been such a negative experience and I have gone through so much abuse working with local musicians who use me for my talent but hate me as a person; I'm a good guitar player and have played with a lot of local bands, but as with the rest of my attempts to form friendships, people just end up disliking me.

    I guess over the years I've just lost the will to live. I'm so tired of searching for acceptance. My young life which was supposed to be fun and enjoyable turned out so incredibly negative, no what I did, that I just don't think I want to experience the rest of life after all this. I hate school and work, even when I'm not depressed; I really just hate day to day life to be honest. I have no academic or career goals. If it was up to me I'd just stay in bed all day rather than venturing out into the world only to be hurt and mistreated by everyone I meet.

    I think I'm a good person, but I don't understand why everyone hates me. I guess I'd really like someone to just tell me that its okay to give up and die, even though I know no one here will.

    The people I talk to about this(therapists mostly) just tell me "don't worry it will get better in time". They said that a decade ago, and they lied. It just got worse.

    Whatever, I guess I'm just ranting. Say whatever you want to me and we can argue about it I guess.

  2. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I agree with you, I also think that you are a good person.

    From this letter, you also seem really smart, and you say that you are talent--the local musicians see that. Sometimes people do not know how to react around talented, intelligent people. People's own insecurities get in the way. I've had many friends that are so intelligent, even musical geniuses that went to amazing schools, and usually, when they talk passionately about music and life, much of what they say goes over my head, but I honestly don't care. When they talk about stuff that I DO understand, I learn so much. Unfortunately, it hasn't been easy for them to make friends, and many of them were outcasts in their schools growing up. When they finally made real friends, they stuck because they were good, sincere people that didn't let their own insecurities get in the way of really getting to know and care about the person.

    Sometimes you have to create your own world and tolerate the outside worlds. There isn't anything hate-worthy about you, being depressed, even if someone doesn't understand why does not warrant judgement. If anything, it should warrant questions so they can try to understand.
  3. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    I guess I don't really understand what you're saying. Make my own world? I have my own world, and its a terrible, dark and lonely place to live full of rejection, disappointment, and isolation.

    I feel the same way that there's no reason for people to dislike me, but they do. They always have, and I don't see why they ever wouldn't.

    I'm too "intelligent" to have friends i guess. That's pretty fucked up but I guess that's the reason I've been looking for and trying to understand. Maybe if I drink enough alcohol my brain will atrophy and I will become unintelligent enough for people to like being around me.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    About 99% of what you've written could easily be my own story. My depression began later and the first relationship I had was a little different but most of the rest is very similar. I can relate!

    I was pretty miserable until I joined a fraternity when I was 19-20 and only then did I begin to make any decent, intelligent friends. What you have said about intelligence is usually true. It's very difficult for those who are intelligent to be accepted unless you find some friends who are of equal intelligence. A few at least...they don't all have to be, but you should try and find some on your level.

    My best years in many respects were between the ages of about 20-35 so you should give this more time. Things could turn around for you quickly...they did for me.

    Maybe you could try mending the one friendship you had as that sounds like it was pretty devastating and I'm sorry to hear about it.

    There are many good people here to talk to...hopefully you can find
    some connections here. You can send me a private message and I will respond. I also have gone through the therapy and meds. for many years and finally some things are working out.

    Stick around and talk to us...Also, don't be discouraged if your post moves down the list quickly. Things move fast here...so I've come to find out. But like I said, if you feel like talking, send me a pm any time.
  5. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    What I meant by making your own world, and I'm sorry for not explaining better, is you surround yourself with people you like, with things such as music and art you enjoy. By creating a niche for yourself, where you hang out with intelligent people who accept you without being jealous or insecure, life feels better, the hard stuff when dealing with stressful parts of life is a little easier.

    I definitely did not mean that you are too intelligent to have friends. You are smart, that is definitely not a bad thing, it's a difficult thing and a very good thing. Most people that are not as smart as you are going to be insecure so they'll feel bad about themselves and displace their feelings of inadequacy onto you by treating you badly. That is what I was trying to say.
  6. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    Ok, I understand now, but it's pretty hard to surround myself with people when everyone I've ever known is totally averse to my presence. I seriously would love to follow through on your suggestion, but its basically impossible for me to do.
  7. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I know it is hard and seems hopeless but it is hard for me to see how it is possible that you will NEVER have friends. For one thing, I think making friends is difficult and if you are different from most other people in any way, like being smart or being a musician, it is harder. Because I'm older and know people that had no friends or very few friends, even when they were in their late teens and early twenties, I still saw them eventually meet people that did end up being friends. It is a slow process because maturation is slow. That is why I see the potential of you hanging out with your good friends, and these friends will be really good people who aren't petty or judgemental, and having your own niche in the world. I also think that people who are like are hard to find and that it is why it take a long time to make even one or two friends that are real friends. I here people say that if you even have one or two real friends, you are lucky. Good people are hard to find.
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