im so tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Minni, Nov 18, 2009.

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  1. Minni

    Minni Member

    hello everyone...
    it's been a long time since i last posted here. Back then i came here to help people..now I come here to look for help myself...
    or..just someone i have never met to listen to me.

    If someone is willing to listen..please read on:
    I'm a 18 year-old girl. recently...people discovered that im in a relationship..and asked me who it was. i refused to answer and kept it a secret. and ever since that day people start to spread rumors about me..being in a relationship with a woman or having an ugly boyfriend whom im ashamed of.
    people i thought were my friends participated in gossiping groups and such like. there is a reason I am not sharing personal information with people i dont trust. because i know it would spread like wildfire. and that is the least thing i would want to happen. i have my reasons for not telling.

    im stressed during exam times which also comes along with lack of sleep and ..there are just so many things crashing into me all at once...i feel like i cant handle it.
    I talked to my best friends..i talked to my loved one...and it helped me temporary..but after a short while..i go back to my suicidal self.
    The thing is..I dont want to hear "they are not worth it...now you know who is a true friend" or "you are worth more than those. just dont pay attention to those rumors, because that is what they want: to provoke you".
    or "if you kill yourself, remember who you're hurting the most with it..your parents and everyone who loves you"
    I dont want to hear that. I'm tired of hearing it.
    i know all of that...but it doesnt make me feel better.
    i just want everything to stop...i want it to stop now...i want to hide..i want to run away from this place.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Minni. :hug:

    Gossip and rumors are a nasty business for the one(s) being talked about. I'm sorry you're on that end of things. It sounds like the rumor-mongers have nothing better to do with their time than gossip. It makes them look immature, silly and small-minded. Generally, when people join in on spreading rumors, they do it because they are are afraid the group will spread rumors about them if they don't join in.

    I know it's hard to push on through it, but you show that you're very intelligent when you note that you have other things on your mind - such as exams and doing well. Maybe focus as much as you can on those things. What gossips want is attention and your reaction. If you don't give them a reaction or pay much attention to them, they'll move on to the next "topic" (person and rumors) pretty soon.

    Hold on tight, sweetie. It doesn't matter what they say, it's what you know in your own heart that counts. :arms:

    A.
     
  3. Minni

    Minni Member

    Thank You, Acy :hug:

    It's just..I feel so tired. Like I can't go on like this...I have struggled so long...and I have reached a point where I just feel the weight on my shoulders and how I'm about to break down.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You do exactly what you are doing here. When the rumors get too much to take, post about it. When the other pressures of exams and things are getting the better of you, post about it. Like you said, you are hoping to have someone listen. When you let all those hurts out in words, somehow it helps to take the sting of the hurt away for a while. And sometimes you find the right words from another person in the form of advice or kindness that make the hurt seem less strong or important.

    You impress me as a very determined strong young lady that sticks to your goals. Even with all the rumors flying around, you have stuck to not telling others what they want to know but have no business knowing. You havent buckled to the ignorance. And like Acy said, if you can keep holding on and not give in to the ugly words and lies, the people telling them get tired. If they arent getting anything out of it, they will move on.

    I know you feel too tired to keep facing it all. So again I agree with Acy. Focus on things that you can. Or take a little time each day to do something you like that will help you to hide away for a bit. A craft, or reading a book or listening to some favorite music. Anything that you can kind of go zombie to the things around you. I think you will find yourself feeling a little more rested and relaxed.

    I really hope that the people around you tire of their game soon. Because that is all this really is to them a game. And until they have it happen to them, they cant understand how hurtful it really is. So if you want to stop playing, just ignore them the best you can. If you cant ignore them, when someone is rambling away some lie to you, in your mind picture them as something else, say an animal that they remind you of. Now make it like a cartoon in your head. Pretty hard to get upset at a comic cartoon. It takes a little practice but I think you can do it. Please keep holding on!!!
     
  5. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    All the explanations and rational objective insight does not help when you are being kicked while down, you are so right.
     
  6. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    you have a loved one. dont give that up.
     
  7. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    I agree with jxdama,'s words. you have us too, hang on. just keep hanging on. you are not alone, I promise you that.
     
  8. Minni

    Minni Member

    thank you...for all the support and kind words.:hug:
    I believe i have done something wrong today.
    ...if you dont mind..i would like to share it here...
    A friend came up and asked me if a certain person they know..is my boyfriend...i said yes...i lied. to make them stop thinking...nobody knows the truth tho...i just plainly lied...I was too weak for a moment and agreed to let them believe something that is not true.
    I'm not ashamed of my loved one...I'm just not ready to tell the world what is really going on with me. Only a few know. And it will remain this way...no matter how many more rumors they will spread.
    was it very wrong to lie?
     
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