I'm so....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Jun 21, 2009.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    tired of the hurt. The loneliness. The neverending craving for a real hug. And the fucking shit that happens day after day. No matter how hard I try to keep my head above the blackness there is always another asshole there pushing me under. When I need someone no one seems to be there. I dont want that to sound like I'm mad at anyone. I'm only mad at myself for wishful thinking. The cutting is out of control. The thoughts are out of control. I just hope that I'm not so out of control that I jump the gun so to speak. Oh well, at the end of the day just like me, it really wont matter.
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    It will matter Carla, to me and so many others as well. As I've mentioned to you before, I would welcome any pm from you and I thank you for the one you sent about a week ago. Please stay in touch with us. We do so care about you.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Carla,I'm not sure what to say..but I just want to let you know that I read your post and I'm sorry you're hurting so much :hug:
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know there are ones here that care. But you see no matter what words I use I cant express the desperation the need the ... I dont know how to say it. And if I cant express it how can others understand? And why is it so damn important to me that someone else understand? Because no one can. The only choice I have left is to give in to the thoughts. I cant fix me and no one else can either. And I sure as Hell cant keep this up anymore. I dont even no what to say or why I'm replying. I dont know that I can hold out til I need to. I dont know anything anymore. Except that the hurt has to stop now!
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Funny thing is like the saying goes "if there was a time to worry it would be now". I cant even muster up enough whatever to do that. Once a person hits rock bottom they can only go up. WRONG! You can sit there and suffer a lot more for a lot longer. I cant anymore. I CANT!
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Know what? I dont care if I take over my own thread. What importance is it? What is anything important? For me important was finally being the mahjong champ. But someone else will come along and do better. Important was for whatever reason reaching 3000 posts. I did and now I'm past that. What's a fucking date? It wont matter if I give myself a few more tormented days in my safe haven, MY damn home!!!! Nobody undertands that!!! I need my home!!! IT's more of the real me than my right leg or my own damn head!!! Or if I say the Hell with the date. Screw the date screw everything. It doesnt matter!! Alive is alive and dead is dead. And if this is living then screw that too. Dead cant be any worse.
  7. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi Carla, sorry to hear you are finding things so tough at the moment. Don't give up on thing though. You are strong enough to beat these thoughts and if you feel you aren't then the forum is here to help. I have always found the help I've needed by talking to people here. There are a lot of us here who care about you. :hug: