I'm sober I want to kill myself

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by suicidalfish, Jul 5, 2015.

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  1. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Hello, I posted this in a different section but just discovered this substance abuse section so I figured it would be better if I posted this here since I didn't get any help. I am 22 years old almost 23. This year I had a girlfriend who was into drugs and I did them with her mainly because I liked her and wanted to keep her and I loved her at the time and I had done harder drugs in the past and wanted to revisit the good times I had with even more good times with her. I was being drug and alcohol tested by my father so I bought synthetic urine to pass his drug tests. It worked for a while but then he randomly went into my apartment and found a pint of premethazine codeine a bottle of baileys and weed and bongs everywhere. He called the university I attend and talked to a drug counselor there. He met up and talked to me and tried to convince me that he will make my life better and my relationship with my father better. I did not want anything to do with him. Then my girlfriend one day decided to go to rehab. I supported her decision but then two weeks in she dumped me saying that she wants to work on herself. She told me how much the AA program and rehab was changing her life and how much happier she was and how she no longer feels alone. I was crushed and began drinking at least a bottle of wine daily and smoked weed daily. I started to think hey if she is getting her life together and making it better maybe I should too. I then contacted the drug counselor again and asked if I could go into the sober living. I was going to wait to tell my father about it. Then a week in her decides to randomly drug test me and I tell him that I wanted to go to sober living and that I had alcohol in my system. He says okay and I get to go. I buy ecstasy the night before I was going to go in so I could have one last drug experience. Then I go in and they ask if I want to get detox. I thought that it would be a good idea to get detox so that it would be easier to get used to not smoking weed. They tell me I will only be there for a week. I take the ecstasy pill on the way to there. I get there and they tell me that it is a rehab not a detox place and that I will be there for 2 weeks. Then they tell me two months. I get pissed and contact the sober living and they tell me they will let me come in after 28 days. I hate the whole experience. I get to the sober living and they tell me if I don't stay then they will have me expelled from the university that I go to and that the sober living is affiliated with. My father also tells me that if I weave I will be a worthless investment and he will no longer support me. He freaks out over the fact that there was ecstasy in my system and the rehab lied and told him I had heroin in my system which was not even true but of course he does not believe me. I hate it here at the sober living and I hate being sober. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any longer but I have no choice or I will be homeless. I do not like that I am being controlled after it was my decision to come here. I keep making stupid mistakes thinking that they are the right decision and it ends up screwing me over in the end. I hate my life, I hate myself and my stupid decisions, I hate sobriety, I feel like I might as well kill myself. The other day I left the sober living and was driving to a motel somewhere and was going to stay there until I ran out of the $300 I have and then <mod edit - method> to kill myself. My father starts screaming at me saying that drugs are controlling my life and that I am an addict. I end up going back to the sober living. I still hate it and I just want out of my pathetic life. I want to kill myself.

    I cannot stand sobriety or the relationship I have with my father. He constantly brings up the fact that I had drugs in my system and that they found fake urine in my car when they searched it. I feel like he doesn't understand me. My relationship with him has gotten worse since I joined rehab. Nobody understands me nobody is on my side I trust nobody. I am trapped I feel like suicide is the only way to be free but everyone keeps telling me to just be a man and suck it up and act like a 22 year old and that just makes me want to kill myself more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 7, 2015
  2. Winslow

    Winslow Antiquitie's Friend SF Supporter

    Your post caught my eye because you are suicidal despite your sobriety. I would think that your sobriety would instead make you feel the opposite, that is, optimistic. Never having done illicit drugs myself, though, I can not understand the mind-set of the addict. Having already reached Middle-age myself, I feel lucky that I'm past all the main hurdles and obstacles which beset most people.

    All I can do to help you is to offer what has helped me, which is Zen-Buddhism. In the Zen, the goal is to get rid of pleasure as much as possible, to eliminate it as much as possible. The need for those drugs and even the desire for that girlfriend all has to do with pleasure. That's why even in the food I eat, I use hardly any spices, if at all. Because even the food can be Emotion.

    You already practice sobriety. Is that not progress? I think so.
  3. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Why the fuck would I want to eliminate pleasure? That's the best part of life. Id for sure kill myself without it.
  4. p3cky

    p3cky Account Closed

    That's rough mate, addiction first hand is hell being controlled like that must be really hard I really feel for you hang in there though mate! I know it doesn't mean much but I really do feel your pain i want to take some of that pain off your shoulders if I could
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    He doesn't understand you because he doesn't want you debasing yourself with drugs? Yeah, he sounds pretty clueless to me, let me tell you. Get clean. Do yourself a huge favor and get clean. Don't fuck up your life.
  6. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    I'm too depressed sober and I won't fuck up my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2015
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    You say that you are getting no help - what is it that you want by way of "help"? It seems like people are trying to help you in every aspect of your life - your dad financially supports you and pays your bills and medical expenses - you have doctors treating you - you have peers attempting to support you in making your life better... a bunch of responses to your posts here (despite your kinda rude rejection of all of them with the claim that you have had no help) ... but you say nobody is helping. What help do you actually want? What would "help" look like?

    If you are looking for people to tell you that it is fine to be a junkie and agree with you that it won't ruin your life, you are in the wrong place. There are far far too many people here who believed that and had life rudely prove to them just how mistaken they were. Nobody here is going to tell you that it is okay to take drugs and drink and/or that you can live your life like that and be happy indefinitely.

    If you want your father to stop telling you what to do, then stop accepting his money. Support yourself. If you want to be treated like an adult in charge of his own life then act like an adult in charge of his own life. While you are still living off your father's dime then you don't get to complain about him caring about how you live your life. If you really don't understand why your father wants you off drugs and drink that KILL PEOPLE then you are displaying one of the key characteristics of a junkie: complete self absorption.

    I really hope that you can find a way to get clean and still want to live - nobody should have to deal with feeling so bad they want to die.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    While I am very sorry for you feeling suicidal I think your father is using the tough love approach to try and get you to see sense. Life is not about heroin or ecstasy, it's about pleasure in the ''real world'' you enjoyed having a girlfriend, maybe when sober try and start a relationship again. I'm guessing that your ex was told to stay away from ''negative people''. You sound smart but don't seem to be getting the point. I only have very little experience with addiction but I know it does ruin lives, I've seen it over and over again. My ex was in a 27,000 for 6 weeks rehab, three times and is still not sober. His parents re-mortgaged the house three times, now he lives in a hostel full of addicts. He didn't see they were trying to help him and were there for him. He was in the finest of institutions for addiction and rehab, his problem is like yours- he didn't want to give up the drugs.

    Do not throw your life down the toilet like he did, get help and keep seeking help and see the drug counsellors. No one here going to say they agree with what you are doing.
  9. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Okay I am going to try and respond as well as I can to these. I actually truly appreciate all the help I am getting. I really do. In fact, it helps keep me sober because I feel good like I did on drugs, except not nearly as good in fact I still want to use so I can feel even better, but it still helps me feel better. The only problem is, like most drugs, it only lasts like maybe a couple hours tops and then you go right back to shitty reality and you need more except it way harder to obtain because people are not available all the time and even if they do not say so, they don't or simply cannot be contacted whenever you feel shitty and babysit you all the time emotionally, especially when they are grown men who have jobs and girlfriends and shit. They aint like a gf who tries to be there for you but even if so you can't expect her or anybody in this planet really to always be there for you to take care of you. It'd be nice but it just is not fuckin reality. I have a sponsor and he doesn't answer my calls whenever I call him. Why? Because he runs two businesses has 10 sponsees has a gf. Yeah, he's busy as fuck and isn't going to just drop everything to help poor ole me and nobody else will either. Even if it is unintentional, the only reason why someone would help someone is to be of service which in return helps you. That is a key concept of AA is to help others because it helps you. They don't do it because they are some awesome good samaritan. They are just practicing selflessness which in return helps them more than me.

    Now, I completely agree that people are trying to help. However, their is one key component that is missing and I know that this will come off rude, it doesn't help. Why? How? How can poor ole me be helped? I don't fucking know. What does help look like to me? I don't fucking know. Oh I do. What would help is my quality of life to be better. Yes all the help helps me psychologically temporarily but I am still left to the same quality of mindset and that is depression and suicidal ideation.

    Of course I would rather have enough money to tell my father that I am going to support myself. What man doesn't…. the problem is that I don't have a fucking job. I am stuck in a university which is taking me 5 years of my fucking life to complete and I am just waiting and waiting and waiting to be able to appear qualified to a bunch of fuckheads to get a job and do a bunch of bitchwork.

    Yeah drugs and alcohol kill people but it doesn't mean it is going to happen to me. I'm not like slamming heroin. I smoke weed, drink, and on a non regular only sometimes occasion take cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms, adderall, nitrous. Whatever ya know? Oh perhaps I am just a fucking idiot right and am going to die? I mean who gives a fuck. We all die anyway and it would be nice to be free from this annoying ass mind that won't shut the fuck up with negativity. Fucking asshole mind.

    Complete self absorption? Yeah, probably. It does say that is the main problem with alcoholics/addicts in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. However, yeah I have been trying to help newcomers get sober, yes I have made amends whenever possible even though I fucking hated it and didn't think they deserved it. It doesn't work for me. Yeah maybe I'll feel a little better but while I am doing it I would rather of been like high off some good weed or drunk off some good liquor and afterwards if I feel good I just want to do it more.

    Also, I am not asking for people to agree with me. I just want insight and I appreciate it that people try.

    Yeah I did love having a girlfriend. That bitch was with me 247. Then out of nowhere left me for what she said was "to work on herself" but instead she just got some other mother fucker to be her boyfriend instead of having the balls to talk to me about she problems she was having and how we can solve them. She was told to be away from negative people? She was the one who got me back into harder drugs than weed in the first place. She was the one who was a fucking negative influence. Fuck that bitch.

    I have tried and tried to get a new relationship. I go on okcupid, tinder, plenty of fish, meet me, skout. Nothing. Perhaps that would "fix me" but it's not like I can depend on other people and who knows if I'll ever find "the one".

    I don't want to throw my life away, I just think I have the ability not to for I have done so for so many years and I feel like I am not going to accomplish anything great sober since I am so fucking miserable all the time anyway.

    I have tried everything. Rehab, regular therapists, medication including wellbutrin, lexapro, deplin, cerafolin, abilify, zoloft. I don't notice shit on any of them. The only drugs I do are ones with abuse potential. What else have I tried? Several interventions with my dad, being drug tested by my parents, going to AA meetings, working the steps in different ways, having had so far 10 sponsors, going to rehab again, living at a sober living, talking to counselors, the list goes on and on and none of it is sufficient enough to make me feel good enough to be sober.

    I mean look at my fucking posts for proof. All done while sober. All I want to do is kill myself in them. I don't want to be that person and live that way and I don't want to continue that even if that means going back to using. If I still get suicidal when using due to life circumstances well at least I have some way to tune out. Every time I try and get sober I always end up feeling worse, my outside circumstances including trust from my parents get worse, my head and feelings get worse. Just everything gets worse. Not better. =(
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2015
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No not necessarily saying that having a girlfriend will fix all your problems but it might help you in the long run to have someone there for you and someone you can trust, love and have fun with. Keep on the dating sites, you never know what could happen.
    I met a guy off a dating site once, we met within hours and we just kissed that was it,I wasn't into him, he wasn't into me. I do not use dating sites anymore, i enjoy being single.

    The drugs are a real issue, I think you should keep working with the drug counsellor and talk through the issues of why you take them, how they make you feel and why they are the biggest aspect in your life. You deserve more than a dash of whatever it is you're talking. You deserve to be sober and make your dad proud of you but you have to want to do this yourself and not for anyone else. At least try it, you have nothing to lose by trying, please go for it. Sf will always be here for you too!

    Have you tried medication without the use of illegal drugs involved?
  11. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    I completely agree I think that having a girlfriend who I love trust and can have fun with would help tremendously. I was with my ex for 5 months and we spent time together every single day and it was the happiest I had ever been in an extremely long time. Drugs were heavily involved but just being with her and also going out and meeting new people (her friends) really truly made me feel a happiness that I had not felt in a very long time. It sucks that it had to end so abruptly and so terribly but oh well.

    Dating sites are fucking hard. They seem easy when your a chick because you get so many guys talking to you and you get a ego stroke out of rejecting people but when your a guy.. well I guess I do not know for every guy but for me I NEVER except maybe once or twice get contacted by a girl first. I always have to make the first move and if you just say like "what's up" they'll ignore it so you have to be all clever, make responses that are good so that they will respond back, it's a lot of intellectual work that just sucks. I wish u could just talk casually even if u have nothing to say but in my experience it just doesn't work that way except for a very select few. I usually end up asking if they wanna hangout after talking maybe about 3 or 4 back and forths. Perhaps I should wait longer but I mean what the fuck is there to talk about to someone you don't know online? Espeically when girls never put any effort into trying to make conversation and just have the guys do all the work. It's hard to find people. Hell even my ex admitted she only talked to me originally so that she could find drugs lol but we ended up hitting it off but whatever fuck that bitch.

    I keep going on the dating sites, intact I've been on ok cupid all day but usually if I get a response it is just a few back in forth convos and doesn't result in anything. Plus a lot are just on there for friends which I am not into. Whatever though, I will keep trying regardless it's just really hard and gets really depressing after a while.

    Uhm the drug counsellor and I haven't spoken in months. He threatened to have me get expelled from my university (he works there) unless I stay at the rehab I was at and I have hated him ever since for threatening me. You cannot make someone sober through threats. You can temporarily that is for sure but long term it is a TERRIBLE way to make someone sober. In fact normally they will just get resentful as fuck and get high over it.

    I don't know who I am suppose to talk to. If I talk to anybody in the sober living they will tell my dad if they think I am going to relapse and make a huge fucking deal which will make me want to relapse. My sponsor will just say the same fucking shit to call and help a newcomer which helps a little but not enough to make me want to stay sober.

    In a perfect world, if I had some fuckin awesome gf with all the traits I wanted and got to spend as much time as I wanted with her and I continued to do well in school and my relationship with my father got better and he trusted me and I got a job making good money that I loved then I STRONGLY THINK I would probably stay sober. However it just isn't happening.

    Yes I have tried medication without the use of illegal drugs involved. I did for 8 months straight and have been for 3 months straight now.

    They even say in AA to not have a relationship within a year. I have been told that I have nothing to offer a women. I mean wtf, I see all sorts of idiots holding hands on campus and shit and what the fuck do they have to offer each other? Same shit that I could offer.

    I don't listen anyway, I still look for a relationship and put a lot of effort into it.

    I just want a fuckin way out of loneliness. Being sober and alone is too hard. Even if being alone is my main fear, it doesn't help just knowing that information from a 4th step inventory.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2015
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    See, right there. There you go - something to live for, look forward to and something to get clean for. I'm sure you will have a much much higher change of getting a girlfriend when you are clean. You seem smart and nice and easy to approach so I do think you will get somewhere even f you do dislike the dating sites.

    I think you should get a different drug counsellor, not one that is affiliated through your college. It's want you need and want really so go for it. Having a drug counsellor who can help you get clean, show you that is there is life outside of the drug world will make an amazing difference to your life.

    Wait until you are somewhat clean and tell him you are getting clean. In the mean time use different resources such as here at SF, other drug-rehab sites, an outside counsellor and friends.

    It took me years to find the right medications, literally about 7 years and I am depression free now. Have you ever tried mirtazapine (remeeron), that one pulled me out of my depression and has helped many people, it's known as the sedating anti depressant!

    I believe in you because you smart and intelligent enough to NOT ruin your life!
  13. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    No see! You said so yourself, I am smart nice and easy to get along with. A lot of females have said that and even guys. THAT IS THE PROBLEM! I AM THOSE THINGS YET I HAVE NOBODY. I am also attractive. Yet why is it that I have so much difficulty finding someone. Why? It makes no fucking sense. Yet that is the truth that is the reality and it FUCKING SUCKS. I am 23 now and have found nobody. Yeah it takes some people way longer in life but I can't just sit around twiddling my thumbs for that. You say getting clean will help but it doesn't and how fucking how do I have to wait. I have been sober for 8 months. I have now been sober 3 months. Nothing. Jack shit. In fact the last time I got a gf I was using. Plus I will probably have more of a chance of meeting someone if I'm not bitching about how miserable I am in sobriety. I do like the dating sites it's just hard as fuck to meet people on there but its even harder in person.

    I don't know what drug counselor to contact that would work for free. In fact the only thing they will probably say which is the same thing every rehab and sober living says is to join AA and I find meetings boring and I don't meet anybody significant (talking friends guys or girls or anything really) perhaps I will meet some cool guys that'll give me insight but they are not friends and even if they are they are too busy working to ever hang out.

    I am almost 90 days clean but I don't think I can stay clean much longer.

    I don't think I can wait 7 years. I have tried rameron it just made me wanna sleep.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2015
  14. LastCall7

    LastCall7 Banned Member

    Sup dude. I see you haven't been on since 9/22, but if you check back in send me a pm. This sort of thing is right up my alley. Take it easy man, - LC
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