Hello, I posted this in a different section but just discovered this substance abuse section so I figured it would be better if I posted this here since I didn't get any help. I am 22 years old almost 23. This year I had a girlfriend who was into drugs and I did them with her mainly because I liked her and wanted to keep her and I loved her at the time and I had done harder drugs in the past and wanted to revisit the good times I had with even more good times with her. I was being drug and alcohol tested by my father so I bought synthetic urine to pass his drug tests. It worked for a while but then he randomly went into my apartment and found a pint of premethazine codeine a bottle of baileys and weed and bongs everywhere. He called the university I attend and talked to a drug counselor there. He met up and talked to me and tried to convince me that he will make my life better and my relationship with my father better. I did not want anything to do with him. Then my girlfriend one day decided to go to rehab. I supported her decision but then two weeks in she dumped me saying that she wants to work on herself. She told me how much the AA program and rehab was changing her life and how much happier she was and how she no longer feels alone. I was crushed and began drinking at least a bottle of wine daily and smoked weed daily. I started to think hey if she is getting her life together and making it better maybe I should too. I then contacted the drug counselor again and asked if I could go into the sober living. I was going to wait to tell my father about it. Then a week in her decides to randomly drug test me and I tell him that I wanted to go to sober living and that I had alcohol in my system. He says okay and I get to go. I buy ecstasy the night before I was going to go in so I could have one last drug experience. Then I go in and they ask if I want to get detox. I thought that it would be a good idea to get detox so that it would be easier to get used to not smoking weed. They tell me I will only be there for a week. I take the ecstasy pill on the way to there. I get there and they tell me that it is a rehab not a detox place and that I will be there for 2 weeks. Then they tell me two months. I get pissed and contact the sober living and they tell me they will let me come in after 28 days. I hate the whole experience. I get to the sober living and they tell me if I don't stay then they will have me expelled from the university that I go to and that the sober living is affiliated with. My father also tells me that if I weave I will be a worthless investment and he will no longer support me. He freaks out over the fact that there was ecstasy in my system and the rehab lied and told him I had heroin in my system which was not even true but of course he does not believe me. I hate it here at the sober living and I hate being sober. I want to kill myself. I do not want to be here any longer but I have no choice or I will be homeless. I do not like that I am being controlled after it was my decision to come here. I keep making stupid mistakes thinking that they are the right decision and it ends up screwing me over in the end. I hate my life, I hate myself and my stupid decisions, I hate sobriety, I feel like I might as well kill myself. The other day I left the sober living and was driving to a motel somewhere and was going to stay there until I ran out of the $300 I have and then <mod edit - method> to kill myself. My father starts screaming at me saying that drugs are controlling my life and that I am an addict. I end up going back to the sober living. I still hate it and I just want out of my pathetic life. I want to kill myself. I cannot stand sobriety or the relationship I have with my father. He constantly brings up the fact that I had drugs in my system and that they found fake urine in my car when they searched it. I feel like he doesn't understand me. My relationship with him has gotten worse since I joined rehab. Nobody understands me nobody is on my side I trust nobody. I am trapped I feel like suicide is the only way to be free but everyone keeps telling me to just be a man and suck it up and act like a 22 year old and that just makes me want to kill myself more.