I'm soo numb..all i want to do is die!!!...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by awb4130578, Nov 1, 2007.

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  1. awb4130578

    awb4130578 Member

    my dad doesnt want me to guard anymore but im not quitting anytime soon. and ontop of that i still have school. they dont care about my schoolwork all they care about is whether i am working or not. they got mad at me when i told them i want one day off a week. and i am working everyday now. i have time to do my homework after class but im so tired that i go to the library at school and sleep there instead of doing my homework. i dont get home from work till like 10 or 11 at night and i dont get to bed till like midnight or 1am-and i have to get up at 5am for school and work-cuz when i get home i still have to find something to eat for dinner, do the dishes every night, clean the birdcage twice a week, and take a shower. oh yeah did i mention that i have to pay rent? during the summer it is $75 a week and during the schoolyear it is $25 a week.-that's bullshit. the only reason i am at home is to sleep and do chores... but yeah i hate my life right now....i was depressed in 11th grade and have been depressed since march. i was on meds for it but i was taken off of them and my dad syas that i dont need them..that they r for old people. and i tried to go to a counselor in 11th grade but whatever i told her she told my stepmom so i never sauid anything and then i stopped going...and my dad wanted nothing to do with it....i work 40 hours a week. and i cant sleep on mondays anymore either. i work monday night till 8:45 and dont get home till 10:15 and then i dont get to bed till midnight cuz i have to do dishes and take a shower then i have to get up at 2:30am(i cant sleep for 2 hours and get back up. ill end up going back to sleep) to get ready and leave for work and since i cant drive yet i have to take the bus and metrolink to work and i have to be at work at 5am till 12pm. then off to school-on tues. and thurs. i ahve class from 3:30-7pm and i wouldnt get home till 8:15pm and to bed till 11pm and then up on wednesday at 5am to go to school.......also ive had suicidal thoughts but i wasnt actually close to doing it i just thought about it...at the depression screening-at school a few weeks ago i lied to them and-they lied to me. they asked me if i was suicidal and i said no.. they said if i was suicidal that they would have to tell my parents though. they said i am depressed and i have general anixety and to see a counselor for now.-that's b.s. i've been depressed for 7 1/2 months and all they want me to do is see a counselor...i went to my doc a week ago and he said i can go back on lexipro but i also went to him for another reason too. I was on it for only one day in march cuz the next day(the day before easter) i passed out twice at the heights and had a seizure and he took me off of it to make sure that's wasn't y i passed out-and it wasn't. I just hope it works. i wanna try to find a counselor to go to since they r cheaper than a psychiatrist but the hard part is when my insurance company would send me a statement saying i already payed the co-pay for it that they will send it to my house and my parents will find it-since they go through my mail and sometimes i'll get mail and they wont even tell me i got any. so id have to find somewhere i can send it to so they dont find out about it. but when i first started to get bills for this- it was for the emergency room co-pay-matt devine said i could have them sent to work so my parents wouldn find out about it. and back in march i told matt about everything (well...almost everything and i had hinted that i wanted to kill myself, i don't know if he got it though) and he told katy and they told their boss and then matt talked to me about it, and then a cop came and took me to st. mary's for an evaluation and they said i was depressed. and then later that week i was off school one day and i asked katy if she would take my to my doc. appointment so i could get help. and that's when my doctor put me on lexipro. and the day after that i passed out. and i still feel bad about having matt and katy helping me with everything back then since im not their kid and everything they shoudn't have had anything to do with it and they wanted my parents to know about it but i told them no since i know how my parents would react to it-rejection and total denial that something is wrong...and now i dont have a 4.0 anymore. i just got my midterms back and i am flunking my history class (and i need at least a C in the class since i am majoring in sec. edu.-social studies). i didnt get a chance to study for it either cuz of work and me being so tired...also the lexipro is making me have headaches that make me feel like im gonna die and stomach aches make me feel like im gonna throw up and it is making me numb. the happy feelings r gone and the sad ones r too-kind of- but i can still think about me killling myself...and the lexipro is making me hear things that rnt there...-this week, once when i was in class and once on stand at work- i heard a radio on but the radio isnt even at work, its somewhere getting fixed and there was no radio on in class...i have only seen things once. i was in 11th grade and i was trying to fall asleep and i ended up seeing what looked like a fire was in my bathroom trashcan. it was all bright orange. it scared the crap out of me. so i turned around and just hoped it went away. and it did. and eveerything was normal when i woke up in the morning....its all driving me up the godamn fucking wall...what do i do now? please write back...i went back to my doctor and he put me on another med-effexor-and it should either work or not. i wont know for 2 weeks if it works or not. that and i have to go and see a psychiatrist about the hallucinations.also my dad has hit me before. not as bad as my sister though. once i think he almost broke her arm. i think he hit her with a pool table stick that time. if i get hit its either in the back of the head or on the lip. the last time anything happened was right before christmas 2006. i was up at the heights and he either punched my sister or my stepmom in the stomach. i cant remember who. and my stepmom lied to the police and told them that nothing happened. thats basically y i worked my ass off summer 2006-i hate being home. i like guarding and work makes me feel safe. i am with my friends and i know nothing bad will happen to me there...my doc. knows i am suicidal and i know howd id do it-pills- but i dont have them w/ me cuz they r so easy to get. but my doc.didnt put me in the hospital. can the psych. put me in the hospital? would he put me in the hospital? should i tell him i am suicidal? i am 19. will he tell my parents i am suicidal? if i get put in the hospital what will it be like?-details please. if i was put in the hospital will my insurance pay for it?
    the psychologist didnt so jack shit. could i just go to the hospital myself and tell them i am suicidal? what would they do then? should i bring a friend w/ me? i want to and if i did i'd do it with pills, or a gun<mod edit: bunny - methods>...but i dont know. if i told my that would he put me in the hospital? can he put me in the hospital?
    all the effexor is doing is making me numb just like the lexipro did. i dont have any unhappy or happy thoughts all i can think about is killing myself. but the effexor isnt making me hallucinate or giving me headcaches or stomache aches thank god...and the effexor is making my suicidal thoughts worse. im thinking about using a gun more than pills if i'd kill myself...
     
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  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey, I replied to your other thread here: click

    Here's what I said:

    Here if you want to talk more. :hug:
     
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