I'M SOOoooooo TIRED!!!!!

To this crazy fucked up world and everyone in it
I can’t take the pain anymore. I want to die. Everything is unbearable and I want to leave. I know how Ed, my older, schizophrenic brother felt when he put everything, all his meds, in the closet and didn’t want to KNOW anymore. He just gave up and so do I. I’ve seen too much, felt too much, I lost all that was good. This place is damned anyhow. I’m so tired of everything. There is no hope only more pain to look forward to and I can’t take anymore. I’m Soooooooooo tired. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together, to cope to keep on moving on, not to give in, but I just can’t do it anymore. People are so fucking ignorant when it comes to a soul being repeatedly beaten – they’re so full of platitudes – folks who do not understand depression and the toll it takes. This life is full of bullshit just like the people in it, pretending that eventually everything works out. NOTHING works out. You DIE! Don’t you see? We do it all for nothing – screw Karma. It’s all useless. We’re killing the planet, we’re killing ourselves and I hate it all. I’ve tried keeping up with this insane world and I can’t do it anymore. I was given too much and I’m weary. I’m only 45 but life has beaten me. I can’t cope with this place anymore – God knows I tried. I don’t know yet how this will end but I’m at the finishing line. I’m tired of all the drugs I have to take and keeping track. I’m tired of my body. I’m tired of dealing with Mom and her denial I’m tired of trying to explain to people what depression is like I’m tired of the challenges and keeping up with things that just keep going wrong no matter WHAT I do. I’m tired to all the ENDLESS catch-22’s and being constantly between a rock and a hard place!! I’m tired to trying to make things right and getting lost in the details this world puts forth. I’m weary heart, soul and mind and body. Life has wasted me no matter what I put into it, no matter how I tried to reckon with it. I’m tired of the legacy of having my life stolen by my goddamned family and the betrayals and denial and how NO ONE has yet caught a glimpse of the Big Picture. I hate them. I HATE them!! I hated watching all the suffering and feeling helpless – when I thought good could be done. I hate having tried to so hard for nothing when everything just went from bad to worse. I hate all the memories of things that have gone wrong. I hate PTSD --I hate waking up every night to those memories and all that’s wrong right now that I can’t fix because I’m damaged goods. I’ve tried SOOOOOOOoooo hard. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m tired of how fucking cruel this life can be to so many while others remain completely oblivious to suffering! I used to be strong, creative, imaginative, spiritual, WHOLE and empathetic. I used to get lessons, now all I get is punishment. One slap in the face, when already weakened, after another. I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I hate where I am. I hate my space. I hate that I’m trapped. I hate that no one understands I’m fucked. I hate that I’m called a Survivor when it’s only lead me to being between another rock and a hard place, again and again. I want OUT!!!!!!!! GOD, LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!!!!! Nothing gets better. Nothing. I have NO purpose, NO meaning, NO reason to live and I am empty, so empty, of everything but pain and confusion. I can endure no more. I have nothing to hang on to…

 

Dear FAL1;

I'm sorry you feel this way and wish I could "do something" concrete to help, but I can't.:sad: I can only IMPLORE you to hang on, to us, to me, to anything - just don't let go.:smile: You are NOT at the finish line, you just can't see where you are and assume it's the finish line. It isn't, unless you say it is, and I choose to say it's not.:smile:

Please don't do anything irrevocable when you're so depressed. I love you and care what happens to you.:smile:

love and hugs and hope and strength,:smile:

least

 

FAL1~
Just needed to reach out to you. I am glad you came out of the poets corner long enought to make this post. I feel so much of what you describe, and I am only 44. I justify and hear your pain. Does it make you more sad or more angry to know you feel stuck??

I too wish I could slap some sense into others. Make them stop judging. I just know one day they will be very sorry for not caring.
I hate having to take my meds. I hate that others do not take the time or effort to learn about me or CARE. I hate not know what to do with all the sad, hurting, painful, mix-ed up emotions I feel in my head and in my body. I hate the I am rejected. I hate that I think of taking my life would be a "solution".

I am very betrayed/abandoned by "family"...I won't be calling them that for much longer. Some people just are not sensitive to others suffering, thats all there is to it. Yes, its shitty. :devil:
I used to have perservence in getting thru life, guess that runs out too. :hiding:

I don't know if this will help any, maybe not, but I feel like we would be pals.
take care :hug:

P. S. I was not gonna writ much, but it all splilled out. PM me if you need.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying FAL1. You are at the same point I find my self at. I am at the crossroads and which path should I choose. I am not sure the choice is truly there. It is more like it is being made for me. I know you feel things will never change. You are tired of fighting. Tired of meds, tired of living, just tired of everything associated with what life has become for you. I know through your writings what a beautiful person you are. I feel you do have a purpose for this life, and that the journey has not yet been completed. Please do not give up hope FAL1. I wish I could take it all away for you, but as you know I can't. I can offer you my hand in friendship and try to make the journey a little easier. Stay safe hun. :hug:

 

I'm sorry - thanks for your answers but this is how I feel...

We’re toxic
We’re caustic
We’re vermin
We are cockroaches
but not as resilient;
Only determined
that
WE are important!
That WE are God’s Very Work
Science and Religion
fight while
no one gains any sight
I am sick of the plight;
Arguing moot points
while we are but an exploratory
plague upon the earth,
endowed with hubris
in our own self-worth

New Year's Eve...

 

I really *DO* appreciate your replies...
There are no words to describe your blessed empathy and what it means to me...

but I'm so muckin fizzerable...

I just woke up to another bullshit year

2 A.M.

 

Dear FAL1;

I love you:smile: , if that helps any, and don't want to lose you.:sad:

love and hugs and hope and strength,

least

 

:stretcher

(I don't know why I'm still alive...)

 

I'm not sure either why I'm still alive and kicking... but I am and plan to stay that way. You too, please??:sad: Pretty please?? There is more to you than you know, don't throw your life away.:smile: I have the same feelings sometimes - I have no idea why I'm on earth and don't see any purpose to my life. But my friends remind me that whether I know my reason for being or not, I'm here and should stay here til I'm called home by My Maker. I'm going to try my hardest to do just that - stay here and do what good I can do while I'm here.:smile: You try that too, please? Do something good for someone, anyone, even an animal, and see if that doesn't make you feel better about yourself:smile: ... it always does me. Give it a shot.

love,

least