F
To this crazy fucked up world and everyone in it
I can’t take the pain anymore. I want to die. Everything is unbearable and I want to leave. I know how Ed, my older, schizophrenic brother felt when he put everything, all his meds, in the closet and didn’t want to KNOW anymore. He just gave up and so do I. I’ve seen too much, felt too much, I lost all that was good. This place is damned anyhow. I’m so tired of everything. There is no hope only more pain to look forward to and I can’t take anymore. I’m Soooooooooo tired. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together, to cope to keep on moving on, not to give in, but I just can’t do it anymore. People are so fucking ignorant when it comes to a soul being repeatedly beaten – they’re so full of platitudes – folks who do not understand depression and the toll it takes. This life is full of bullshit just like the people in it, pretending that eventually everything works out. NOTHING works out. You DIE! Don’t you see? We do it all for nothing – screw Karma. It’s all useless. We’re killing the planet, we’re killing ourselves and I hate it all. I’ve tried keeping up with this insane world and I can’t do it anymore. I was given too much and I’m weary. I’m only 45 but life has beaten me. I can’t cope with this place anymore – God knows I tried. I don’t know yet how this will end but I’m at the finishing line. I’m tired of all the drugs I have to take and keeping track. I’m tired of my body. I’m tired of dealing with Mom and her denial I’m tired of trying to explain to people what depression is like I’m tired of the challenges and keeping up with things that just keep going wrong no matter WHAT I do. I’m tired to all the ENDLESS catch-22’s and being constantly between a rock and a hard place!! I’m tired to trying to make things right and getting lost in the details this world puts forth. I’m weary heart, soul and mind and body. Life has wasted me no matter what I put into it, no matter how I tried to reckon with it. I’m tired of the legacy of having my life stolen by my goddamned family and the betrayals and denial and how NO ONE has yet caught a glimpse of the Big Picture. I hate them. I HATE them!! I hated watching all the suffering and feeling helpless – when I thought good could be done. I hate having tried to so hard for nothing when everything just went from bad to worse. I hate all the memories of things that have gone wrong. I hate PTSD --I hate waking up every night to those memories and all that’s wrong right now that I can’t fix because I’m damaged goods. I’ve tried SOOOOOOOoooo hard. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m tired of how fucking cruel this life can be to so many while others remain completely oblivious to suffering! I used to be strong, creative, imaginative, spiritual, WHOLE and empathetic. I used to get lessons, now all I get is punishment. One slap in the face, when already weakened, after another. I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I hate where I am. I hate my space. I hate that I’m trapped. I hate that no one understands I’m fucked. I hate that I’m called a Survivor when it’s only lead me to being between another rock and a hard place, again and again. I want OUT!!!!!!!! GOD, LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!!!!! Nothing gets better. Nothing. I have NO purpose, NO meaning, NO reason to live and I am empty, so empty, of everything but pain and confusion. I can endure no more. I have nothing to hang on to…
I can’t take the pain anymore. I want to die. Everything is unbearable and I want to leave. I know how Ed, my older, schizophrenic brother felt when he put everything, all his meds, in the closet and didn’t want to KNOW anymore. He just gave up and so do I. I’ve seen too much, felt too much, I lost all that was good. This place is damned anyhow. I’m so tired of everything. There is no hope only more pain to look forward to and I can’t take anymore. I’m Soooooooooo tired. I’ve tried so hard to keep it together, to cope to keep on moving on, not to give in, but I just can’t do it anymore. People are so fucking ignorant when it comes to a soul being repeatedly beaten – they’re so full of platitudes – folks who do not understand depression and the toll it takes. This life is full of bullshit just like the people in it, pretending that eventually everything works out. NOTHING works out. You DIE! Don’t you see? We do it all for nothing – screw Karma. It’s all useless. We’re killing the planet, we’re killing ourselves and I hate it all. I’ve tried keeping up with this insane world and I can’t do it anymore. I was given too much and I’m weary. I’m only 45 but life has beaten me. I can’t cope with this place anymore – God knows I tried. I don’t know yet how this will end but I’m at the finishing line. I’m tired of all the drugs I have to take and keeping track. I’m tired of my body. I’m tired of dealing with Mom and her denial I’m tired of trying to explain to people what depression is like I’m tired of the challenges and keeping up with things that just keep going wrong no matter WHAT I do. I’m tired to all the ENDLESS catch-22’s and being constantly between a rock and a hard place!! I’m tired to trying to make things right and getting lost in the details this world puts forth. I’m weary heart, soul and mind and body. Life has wasted me no matter what I put into it, no matter how I tried to reckon with it. I’m tired of the legacy of having my life stolen by my goddamned family and the betrayals and denial and how NO ONE has yet caught a glimpse of the Big Picture. I hate them. I HATE them!! I hated watching all the suffering and feeling helpless – when I thought good could be done. I hate having tried to so hard for nothing when everything just went from bad to worse. I hate all the memories of things that have gone wrong. I hate PTSD --I hate waking up every night to those memories and all that’s wrong right now that I can’t fix because I’m damaged goods. I’ve tried SOOOOOOOoooo hard. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m tired of how fucking cruel this life can be to so many while others remain completely oblivious to suffering! I used to be strong, creative, imaginative, spiritual, WHOLE and empathetic. I used to get lessons, now all I get is punishment. One slap in the face, when already weakened, after another. I can’t take it anymore. I hate my life. I hate where I am. I hate my space. I hate that I’m trapped. I hate that no one understands I’m fucked. I hate that I’m called a Survivor when it’s only lead me to being between another rock and a hard place, again and again. I want OUT!!!!!!!! GOD, LET ME OUT OF THIS HELL!!!!! Nothing gets better. Nothing. I have NO purpose, NO meaning, NO reason to live and I am empty, so empty, of everything but pain and confusion. I can endure no more. I have nothing to hang on to…
