POSSIBLY TRIGGERING I'm sorry that I feel like this and can't support you more mum but I just can't. All the years that I fought this and you never understood, you admitted you didn't understand and you didn't know how to fix me. You said the same things over again: 1) Do you realise what you have done to everyone? Your behavior? Do you even care? 2) You just have to get on with it, no one can do it for you! 3) Pull yourself together, it's not that bad. 4) We gave you a home, food, things you wanted that we could afford, what more could you want, why are you so depressed about that? 5) So your dad didn't want you, you have a family, get on with it. 6) People have real things they get depressed about, you're just being pathetic. 7) Make no mistake, I'm here because i'm your next of kin, because people will think badly of me if I'm not. I have shut down emotionally from you because you keep hurting me with the things you do to yourself. I'm not here because I want to be here, because I have to be. How would you feel if I said those things to you right now? With the way you are feeling? You're now where I visit regularly and you and dad and HIM between you have managed to put me right back on that path. You said when you came to me 6 months ago and asked me what it felt like to be depressed, that you wouldn't blame me if I said I thought you deserved it. I don't think anyone deserves it, do you think so low of me that I would wish this on anyone? Let alone my own mother? Obviously you do. Thanks for that. The shaming thing is I do now feel a little vindicated, if that's the right word. A little bit of me thinks that now you understand what I go through and that maybe you feel a bit guilty for the things you said and did. That it's made you stop and think about the way you dealt with me being ill. You said that you were ashamed that I have dealt with your depression and erratic behavior with compassion and understanding when you didn't do the same for me. Well that same little bit thinks that you should feel like that a bit. And now I feel horrified with that part of myself because I hate the thought of someone I love feeling like I do sometimes. I hate the thought of anyone feeling like that. But I can't seem to help it, I don't want to but I can't. And now you know that I'm struggling, struggling with you offloading onto me, and my bro doing the same. You know that having been rejected once by my 'real' dad, I haven't dealt with dad disappearing and practically ignoring me very well, and you say you don't blame me for saying that I'm not doing it again. I cannot deal with rejection, and I've been rejected by dad, and by some huge fucking cosmic joke, by HIM at the same time. Oh and not to mention the friends I thought were friends for life. And you start adding 'love you' onto texts, and wanting me to talk to you about how I feel and why I feel that way, can't you understand that I've spent my life hiding this from you for fear of what you will say/do? That talking to you about feeling completely shitty and feeling so worthless and useless that even your own father doesn't want you, is such an alien concept to me? You start wanting to 'spend time together', but it just feels wierd. Whenever I have felt like this I've hidden it until I can't anymore and it explodes out. I have coping mechanisms now, they may not be brilliant but I have them and I have people i can talk to. "I needed someone to pull me back from the edge years ago, don't start reaching for me now" (Quote unknown origin) that sums it up really. You know I never wanted you to fix me, I just wanted you to listen and tell me I was going to be OK. I'm sorry but this is how I feel, I don't want to but I do and I feel so guilty about it.