I'm sorry for who I am. okay?! *possible trig*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jess, Nov 5, 2006.

  1. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I realize I have almost NO right to be posting any of this.. so I'm sorry in advanced.

    Is it possible to apologize too much?

    To generalize this. I'M CONFUSED!

    To elaborate...

    I've felt down for a couple weeks now. and having someone repeatedly tell me to go ahead and kill myself.. that they ACTUALLY WANT me to do this.. well let's just say thats enough to basically just kick me in the face. I mean.. the equivilent to it.. I'm sorry for who I am ok? I've never really liked who I am in the first place so I understand completely. Maybe I AM that horrible person I've felt like I am all this time.. maybe I've become that person I was afraid of becoming my entire life. The entire time I've fought these crap urges to end my own life because there WAS that glimmer of hope in thinking that people out there wouldn't see that in me.. that they would be there to tell me and show me I'm wrong. That they'd care... maybe I'm wrong.. maybe that glimmer was only for so long...

    I know you hate who I am, well I hate me too. All I can say is I'm sorry. So very sorry.

    The other side...
    You totally BS me all these weeks we've talked.. telling me how much you care. how proud you are of me.. how much I mean to YOU. BULLSHIT! Don't bullshit me. I'm not stupid. I'm not going to let you feed me this shit and hurt me like SO many before. Jesus !!! You say all this.. and more or less have me believing it.. then you go and pull something like the other night?! I've basically got the blade to my arm.. the gun to my head.. hand on the trigger.. and you say ok, bye.

    Thank you for giving up on me too. Another name to add to the list. Right?

    I should be used to this by now... Sorry once again that I'm not..

    The hurt.. needs to stop... please...
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2006
  2. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I don't know who you're talking about or really what the situation is but this person clearly has issues of their own, which they are putting onto and taking their own frustrations out you. No matter what they feel it is no excuse for making you feel so bad. Do no accept it. Only you know deep down if you are good or bad. And if you're generally depressed you have a distorted view anyway. What have you done that you need to feel sorry for?
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Good grief Jess, are u sure that's what they meant???!!!

    Not saying it's not true but it seems such an awful thing to do that I'm wondering if there was a misunderstanding between you.

    If they did say it, then can I suggest that maybe that night they just couldn't deal with their own feelings. We all have bad days and sometimes you can be ok one minute and then something just triggers u off into one. I've had to leave chat before now because of this. No ones fault just a bad night, or a passing comment thats hit home.

    Please don't take this on board as something wrong with u.
    Hope this situation sorts itself out and you feel better soon. :hug: :hug:
  4. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Thanks to both of you for replying and doing it so quickly. Always means a lot when people not only take the time to read what I write.. but to say something back.

    uhhg.. now I'm being threatened.... things are just going from bad to worse...

    I just wish I could let go of what's been said.. it was stupid of me to take it to heart.. but that's my weakness...
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2006
  5. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Threatened? Why? What issue does this person have with you? If I were you I would just calmly say that I didn;t wish to continue the conversation and that I would talk to them when they were in a better frame of mind. Don't let this person infiltrate your personality.
  6. Jess

    Jess Guest

    thankfully (or not.. who knows) this isn't the same person threatening me who told me to kill myself.. There's three people I'm half yelling at.. and crying because of in this general thread....

    sorry to make it confusing.. but as I said in the begining of this damned thing, I'm confused...

    and being threatened probably because I deserve it...
  7. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    I'm sure you don't deserve to be threatened, Can't you just stop talking to these people for a little while. It's obviously not doing you much good.
  8. Jess

    Jess Guest

    it doesn't matter...

    Nothing good ever comes from nighttime.... :sad:
  9. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Sleep is good. Maybe you should try that?
  10. Flatliner

    Flatliner Guest

    Or we could both stay up and chat all night?
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Night time the small death!!!

    Have to agree with Flatliner here...stay away from people who are fretting u for the moment. Doesn't matter wether they don't like it..YOU NEED SOME SPACE..grab it.
  12. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I dont know who all the people are (I dont think) but I DO know one of them... (i think again...) Like has been said, you need space and time out to yourself... hope you're doing even just a little bit better. :hug:

  13. Jess

    Jess Guest

    Thanks for the replies guys

    means a lot

  14. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Anytime sweetie! I'm just a PM away....