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I'm sorry my friend

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Carcinogen, Jan 31, 2008.

  1. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member


    I wish I'd charged my phone.
    I wish I'd been able to answer.
    I'd give my life and limbs for five minutes with you to tell you I'm sorry I caused your death.
    I know it's my fault.
    I would have done ANYTHING to have been with you, to have seen you one last time, to have told you that I care, and would help you, in life or death.
    I got everything I deserved, and now I can never be ok.

    I will drink and cry for you

    I'm sorry
  2. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Oh my God what happened? (If you can't go over the specifics cause it's too painful i understand but please know this is a good website and we're all here for you)

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Hun whats going on what happened
    hugs praying your ok
  4. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I made him a promise. I broke my promise.
    And now he's dead.

    Of all the times I have fucked up, this is the worst. If I had any honour left, I'd die in the most painful method available, and make sure everyone knows what happened so they would spit on my corpse.

    It should never have been him, it should have been me. It should have been me.
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I am assuming by your original post you are blaming yourself for your friends death because you weren't there to answer the phone when he called you. Please believe me when I say your friends suicide is not your fault at all. The guilt is going to tear you apart so you must believe you are not to blame. Ultimately, your friends actions were his own decision. I am sure Asher would not want you to feel guilty. He may have attempted to end his life down the line regardless of whether you were there or not, sometimes, depression and suicidal feelings can take over. Asher was lucky to have a friend like you.

    Do you have anyone you can talk to? Maybe another friend who was a friend of Asher's, or if possible, maybe one of his parents. Or anyone... feel free to PM if you want a chat at anytime. You are not a bad person, please do not feel to blame.

    Take care of yourself. :hug:
  6. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Asher and I shared a circle of friends. They too rightly blame me for his death. They refuse to tell me where he is buried, and would not tell me the details of his funeral. I can't even say goodbye that way.

    I promised I would not be out of contact while I was on holiday. I left my phone charger at home, I broke my promise.
  7. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Your friends are being very unfair. If it was a circle of friends, couldn't Asher have contacted any of the other friends in this circle? Like I said in previous post, ultimately, this was Asher's decision, he had a choice and it's very unfortunately this was the route he ended up going along with. We can only do so much and you did all you could. Leaving your phone charger at home was a mistake - no one is perfect, we all make them and Asher probably thought you were busy etc and you not answering the phone most probably didn't influence his decision to end his life. Like I said, down the line, he probably would have attempted to end his life anyway. How long ago did this happen? Maybe your friend are still in pain and it's natural for them to want someone to blame - unfortunately, you're the one they are choosing. Hopefully in time your friends will realise that this is NOT your fault. Suicide is a very personal choice and ultimately, we don't know what goes on in other peoples minds - no matter how much they tell us, we never know exactly what they are thinking or how they are feeling. You did all you could, ok? Please, don't blame yourself. Honestly, this wasn't your fault. :hug:
  8. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I was the only one he trusted. Hence why it was so important that I was in contact.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    His death is still not your fault. As resistance said, the choice was his to make. No one made the decision for him. We tend to blame ourselves for not being there at the crucial times, but his decision was probably made a long time ago. You were there on many occasions and offered support and he would have known this time was no different. The outcome may have been the same had he had the contact and you would then be blaming yourself for not saying the right thing or doing enough. You did the best you could and the decision ultimately belonged to no one other than Asher. Please do not hold yourself responsible. You were not. :hug:
  10. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I miss you. I remember the discussions we had about suicide. How we would go together, even though we would not see each other after. I would have gone with you if you had asked. I was more than ready, and I still am.

    I wonder if all the wrongs would be righted if I join you now. I know there is nothing after death so I will never see you again. But, to use a cliche, I will join you soon, my friend.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    i am sorry for your loss :hug:
  12. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Asher, I miss you today more than ever. It's taken me about half an hour to make this post because I don't want to fuck up the spelling, but I'm drunk. I fear it will come across like I don't care if I just post whatever drunken shit I write. I still remember how we used to slate people who always used 'txt tlk' even when it was ridiculously inappropriate. I'm currently trying to avoid my pc ban at college so I can speak to you. I know wherever you are you won't be missing the summer - it's ridiculously hot here. I'm glad you don't have to suffer it anymore, but I wish so much you were still here.
    I wish I knew whether you hate me for letting you die. I feel kind of like I'm insulting you by speaking to you when I don't know whether your last thoughts were of hatred for me. Either way, you got out of life juust in time, methinks. It gets worse an worse by the day, and I wish you were here, even if that is selfish.
    Who am I even kidding? It's not your problem if I can't do this anymore. It's noone's problem. I just want to say I miss you so much, and I will never forget you, and once again, I'm sorry my friend...
  13. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    Ash, I think of you every day, but this summer weather reminds me more than ever of the fact that you're not here anymore. I can't believe that in just a few months it will be two years since you last drew breath. I don't know if I'll live to see your second anniversary though. My life is going down the shithole and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Plus there's the 6th June, whatever's going to happen then.
    I can't write more now, but you are eternally in my thoughts. I miss you.
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey mordarisk,

    Firstly I'm sorry for your loss :sad: :hug:

    This pain you're in, I know all too well how it feels to go through what you're going through.
    I myself lost my best friend to suicide in the summer of 2004. And the night she killed herself, she called me, but I didn't answer cos I was half asleep. Even though I'd promised that I'd always be there for her and that she could call me anytime.
    For a long time I've felt guilty about it, and sometimes I still do. I don't make promises anymore now :dunno:

    Anyway, what I've learned through therapy, is that you are not responsible for other people's actions. Your friend did what they did, and it is not your fault. Say you had been reachable. Then what? You'd answered the phone and talked to your friend. And maybe they wouldn't have killed themselves. But then there'd been another time. It's impossible to ALWAYS be there for someone. You cannot be expected to always try to stop someone from hurting themselves. They need to take responsibility for their own lives.

    YOU are NOT at fault for what happened. Asher chose to do this, and he's responsible for his own actions.

    I know how it feels to feel so guilty though.. :sad: if you ever want a chat, my contact information is in my profile