a few of you have heard this already, but i still don't feel like i've got this out of my system. or if that is even possible. i'm not even quite sure where to begin honestly. starting in march til sometime in may i had been doing quite awesome. i mean really good. it seemed like nothing was going to get me down. well, a few weeks ago actually the day after i met with my pdoc i had a terrible flashback. one of which with some help from gentlelady i began to get through. then later the following week i fell suddenly terribly ill this affected me both physically, mentally and emotionally. i recovered physically but the rest has been a bit slow coming back to me. now my therapist is gone this week and she did give me her supervisors # so if i needed additional help it would be there. today i tried to call her but she is out of the office today and i don't know if we will meet up tomorrow cause i have to work. a couple of days ago i took a small od. i wasn't trying to kill myself just trying to shut the world out. it worked. but now i am finding i want to take this further. i learned last nite that my daughter has or is making plans to be gone the entire summer. as my son will as well. i have spent the last 15yrs of my life caring for my children (as much as they drive me nuts sometimes even). i am ok to be alone for a little while but this long isn't going to work at all. something else that hit me last nite. i was out early in the am at the library on my daughters puter actually hoping to talk to a friend but they weren't there which was ok, but while i was sitting there online an officer pulled up. now i've been down this road before no biggie. they usually just check to see what i'm doing and leave me be. well, this time this officer asked for my drivers license. np at all so i give it to her. a few minutes later she comes back and tells me my license has been cancelled. i asked from what and she didn't know. she asked me if i had any tickets i said i had a parking one but she stated that wouldn't do it. so now i'm driving around without a license and she just warned me not to get caught. i mean seriously what the hell? i just don't want anything anymore except for to go to sleep forever. i believe that day is quickly approaching.