I'm sorry to all I've failed.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lost_child, Jan 3, 2009.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Today at 09:31 I got the call to say he won't be prosecuted and will be allowed to continue to abuse children, I can't live with that. All day I've been fighting the urges to take an overdose, thinking maybe tomorrow will be different, but reality is it won't be. I've now started what I intend to finish. I'm sorry to everyone I've failed, to the children I couldn't save from him, to the now adults I wasn't able to protect from him. I'm sorry. I hope one day they will forgive me. I'm sorry

    I tried my best, but I failed
    I'm the only person that has been jailed.
    trapped behind those bars
    my body still showing the scars

    I tried to make wrong, right
    but now I've lost that fight.
    Gypsy Jim Smith is he's name
    its him who should be to blame.

    Yet its me trapped in those chains
    its me that has those tear stains
    I'm the one who lives with memories
    Its me that was unable to please

    I've tried so hard to fight
    but something just isn't right.
    he raped & abused me for almost 8 years
    and yet today its him that cheers

    He will be sitting there now laughing
    while my heart is aching.
    He will be sitting there smiling
    whilst I sit here crying.

    He will continue to breath
    as I head towards death
    he will continue to live
    but I'm unable to forgive.

    Nobody heard my cries
    not even when I said my goodbyes
    everyone expecting me to move on
    nobody realised I was already gone.

    I'm not able to live seeing he's face
    the memories I can't erase
    I'm not able to live hearing he's voice
    so I don't have any other choice.

    I do love my family & friends
    but the pain inside is too much too contend.
    I don't know how to fight.
    so now I'm ready to flight.

    I just want to say "Jim you ruined my life"
    inside your still stabbing me with your knife.
    your took my virginity, you took my body
    now I'm empty, just a nobody.

    I don't know how else to deal with this
    I can't talk, its pointless nobody listens
    nobody believes you, nobody see's what it does to you
    so now I'm ready to say goodbye cause I can't take no more.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't end your life Jody. I'm sorry that the police has released this monster, so that he can continue sexually abusing more children, but it doesn't mean that you've failed. The system failed hun and when the system fails, you take matters into your own hands... Please don't go lost child. Stay here and continue to fight. :hug:
  3. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member


    I went to read some of your older posts to try to get the jist of your background. You have suffered for a long time, and I am sorry.

    First, you have not failed anyone. You must accept that things that happened were out of your control. That is the first and most difficult step in this process.

    You may be angry at people telling you to forgive those who have caused you suffering. Why? Because they are not saying that what they did deserves forgiveness or is 'not that bad,' nor is it for their benefit. It's for yourself. By letting what they did to you continue to destroy you and eat you up inside for years and years, it means they're winning and they've achieved what they set out to do. Forgiving means putting your heart and soul to rest.

    I know what I've said sounds a load of b*llocks, so thinking in the here and now, what support have you got at the moment?

    Take care
  4. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    Hinny you havnt failed anyone. You need to try fighting this again so that maybe the court will take you more seriously. Do some research and please don't give up the fight.

    Take care.
  5. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    lost_child you have many supporters here and many people wish you well.
  6. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    you have failed nobody.. the system has. am gutted for you :(
  7. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    The son of a bitch.

    You're not at fault. :hug:

    He'll get his.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You have failed nobody hun. They have failed you :(

    Please don't do this. We are here for you :hug:
  9. Tearless

    Tearless New Member

    I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry that he has gotten away with it. I DO understand and no what you are going through. I have been there. It really hurts and it is not easy to see past all the pain you are feeling at the current moment. Everything seems so surreal. Then the feelings of guilt and betrayal engulf you and it is to much to handle. The world seems to have started spinning completely out of control and you just want it all to end. This may not be your exact feelings but they were mine. It was so hard to see past the pain to even another day. I would say take one moment at a time but sometimes even that seems to much. Take one breath at a time. Think of the strength that you had to have to survive this awful thing to start with and think of the strength that got you to go through with the court process. That is the sae strength that you need to draw on now. Someone once told me that you are as strong as your weakest moment; you have already shown extreme strength in the weakest of moments. Please try and hold on to that strength and let it pull you into another day. Remember if one moment at a time is to much then just take one breath at a time.
  10. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I've not finished yet...I'm still breathing, I've taken too many paracetamol then I should have over the weekend, yet here I am still breathing. I have doctors in 30 minutes unless something changes, I won't be here. I don't cry, and yet that's all I do at the moment. I'm trying to stay alive, to fight these feelings however the feelings aren't easing, nothing is and I feel worse with each passing second. I don't know how else to deal with this and I've no counsellor, no friend, no family that i can speak to. i'm on my own.
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Jody, please stay with us. I've heard you and I care. Please let us know how you are getting along. Stay safe! :hug:
  12. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    he's taken too much already jody, dont let him take you life too :hug: please
  13. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i feel for you. you have us and we care. please call rainn they can help you find the support you need


    here is their helpline:


    please tell the dr about the paracetamol you have taken. they can give you serious liver problems that are v painful. you do have friends.. you have us and we are here.
  14. Nicki

    Nicki Active Member

    Dont let anyone hurt you that much,,I was abused by my father and i know what you are going though,,I have two kids now and i WONT let my kids anywhere near my kids,,,,I feel like you most days as i dont know if he was watching my little girl when she was as little as a few days old....I was able to protect my kids,,but i'm not able to protect the kids that he will come in contact with in the furture....You must be strong and remember that you tried your best to protect children from this Monstor....

    PM me anytime.
  15. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Jody hun, please know that you have not failed anyone. Even though he will not be prosecuted this time, he has been accused and that sets off red flags. Maybe they didn't have enough solid evidence because of the time that has elapsed. He knows he was caught and it may cause him to think twice before trying anything again. The paper trail was started by you. No one can change that. He has stolen too much from you already. Please do not let him steal your life. Show him you are much stronger than he. despit what he has done, you will rise above it all. None of my perps have been caught and I know the pain it brings to know they are still out there. remember the spoken word carries a lot of clout. He may not be prosecuted by the justice system, but that doesn't mean things have to be easy for him. Be vocal about him and voice your concerns to others. He doesn't have to win unless you let him. Hang in there hun. You have made it this far. :hug:
  16. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I have manaed to stay out of hospital but I'm under the crisis home treatment team which means someone comes to my house everyday.. :( I did take an overdose but not enough, the only reason I've not been sectioned is because I agreed to try the crisis home team. I've also found out that others girls were abused by him and they have agreed to make a statement, there are also people who are willing to prove that he's grand-daughters were lying, which will then allow for our case to be re-opened. I'm having a real bad time at the moment, each day , each hour , each second is hard..2nite its difficult, I want to move on, but this is all too hard for me to do it alone.
  17. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    having other people come forward will definately help you. stay strong cos you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for x
  18. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    In my prayers Lost child.
  19. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I don't feewl that strong i've been hurting m,yself all day and then I lost my temper and hit myself with a hammer and now my ribs hurt. I hurt so much. I tried to call samaritans but kept getting a man. I can't call the Home treatment team cause they will sure have me sectioned and I don't want that, i just need someone to help me and to talk with me.
  20. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are not alone Jody. you have the people of this forum and it sounds like you have others that care as well. I know you are afraid of being sectioned, but maybe it is one place where you can feel safe and get a break away from all this. Call your crisis team and let them know you just need someone to talk with. It does not mean you need to be hospitalized. Sometimes fear of something stops of from doing the very thing that may actually be what we most need. You have come this far. no turning back now. You can make it. :hug:
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