I'm sorry to say

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hache, Oct 15, 2009.

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  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    There is this over whelming feeling that there is no fight left in me, that end is near. It is like a war has been going on in my head for a long time. Well the enemy are at the gates of Jerusalem and no one is fighting back. Maybe it is just the calm before the storm?

    I have today come to realize that anxiety, self harm, drinking, gambling, this is all the good side of my brain fighting the bad to keep me alive, these are the battles that they put me through.

    Now there are no more battles and it seems like for the first time that things are about to end, that I could actually kill myself.
     
  2. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Perhaps, you just need some more ammunition?

    The war isnt over. Perhaps this is just the end of a recent battle. But u can get the ammo u need to keep up the good fight.
     
  3. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I am going to seek closure from someone I have a small crush on later, once that is finished there is nothing left. (not saying I am pinning hope on that one thing, I am expecting to be told no, I just need it sealed). Like Russian soldiers on the eastern front pretending to be dead because no one gave them a gun, I will be shot when the Nazi's find me.
     
  4. devoid

    devoid New Member

    I sympathise with you and your feelings as it seems to mirror my own situation. Today has been something of a culmination of my mental state which which has been building for week's if not internally months.
     
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Hache, I've spoken with you a few times and have always enjoyed our conversations. You are important to this site and have great qualities, so if you're going to use a WWII metaphor pick Stalingrad instead where the people fought off a horrible siege on the city, defeating and turning the tables on their Nazi adversaries.
     
  6. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I know how you feel, this morning was the worst morning I had all week, and this week hasn't been that good. I usually feel anxiety everyday, but today I just feel depressed and down. I feel like telling the world " I surrender" today, I give up.
     
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I still say, never surrender. Never give in. There is help out there for anyone who seeks it. And yes u can get the ammunition you need to keep fighting. While (and here's the best part) taking a break from the fight, all at the same time.
     
  8. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I dont get it though, there is no anxiety or urge of any form of self harm including alcoholism

    it'll probably go away unless I am pushed by some other trigger

    but this feeling is weird

    almost like nothing is real, nothing is worth it, but not in the whinge whinge i am depressed way, more in the I accept the end may well be nearing, I dont want to die but I want to die...huh... I dont like have this war in my head, this instability
     
  9. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    Might just be another coping mechanism, I got that feeling a while back.... stopped being able to feel everything, kinda like being numb. You may just have run outta fight, so instead you are retreating a safe distance inside yourself...
     
  10. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    maybe

    but just been triggered, this is it, i am going out now, I dont know what will happen, the air might even make me feel better, or not
     
  11. Daydreams

    Daydreams Well-Known Member

    dont forget to look up. Not to pray... but looking at the sky always makes me feel better no matter its condition...
     
  12. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    back, still here, make of that what you wish
     
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