Im sorry....will never be enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    I know i made a huge mess of my life and back months ago i thought pushing everyone away would somehow make things better, i wouldnt hurt people anymore because....whether they admit it or not i was hurting people and forcing them to leave. I didnt want that of my sisters or my friends here. Some forgave me, others i tried to fix the fractured relationship but....it was too broken. I know ive made a lot of mistakes and some really big ones that will never be forgiven....i never wanted to abandon anyone, i knew what that felt like...i never want that for anyone else but i guess pushing those closest to me away i fractured not only the relationship but the trust, confidience, and love they had for themselves...i never meant to but i did. I can never express how much i wish i could take those words back, those harsh words. im so sorry but i know 'im sorry' isnt enough and it never will be. Some i cant even be near anymore. I feel like the black sheep in everyones way and i dont want anyone feeling uncomfratable...i would rather leave then make anyone hurt anymore than they already do. Some of u will know and understand what im trying to say....u'll be able to read between the lines....ull be able to see what im trying so hard to say or not say. ive held this in for so long hoping it would all just go away but life doesnt work that way...even at ur darkest hour the world keeps turning and it leaves u behind...i didnt write this to make anyone upset or to make anyone uncomfratable or to make anyone feel sorry for me because i dont want that...i just....i want them to know how sorry i am even tho i cant no longer say it to their 'face' . Sorry will never be enough, sorry will never heal those deep wounds....sorry will never end the torment that ive given other people....im always looking for a way to fix things....but this is one hurt that i gave everyone and this is one hurt i can never fix....
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Forgive yourself if you can. Act nicely to those you have hurt and time will do the rest, with luck.
     
  3. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    i don't know how many times I sit by the phone hoping and praying one of those people I hurt will call me and want to talk. But they never do. I've tried to mend the fences but all my bridges have been burned, and now I am alone, no friends, no girlfriend, no social life at all to speak of. I'm getting what I deserve. I hurt a few people, a lot of people, and now it's like I'm in prison, except no prison could compare to the torment of the prison that is my mind. It hurts to have no one to talk to, no one to listen, so I just keep it all in. No one cares. It's OK though. It's sad that my only motivation to not blow my brains out, besides my parents and sisters, is that maybe, in 15 years, when I'm 36 and single, someone will show me some sympathy. The only good I see in being alone is that I'll have so much money saved when I'm 40, not having spent anything on family and all, maybe some 21 year old gold digger will make me feel alive. Nothing even seems real anymore. I spent the last 4 years staring at the ground.

    There is not a prison in the universe that could make me feel as much like a prisoner than does my mind.