I'm sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Microcosmos, Mar 8, 2013.

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  1. Microcosmos

    Microcosmos Member

    I'm sorry to be another person who registers just to express their problems and have someone talk to them. But I have no where else to turn. I've tried posting on craigslist and yahoo answers the past hour, and haven't gotten much in response. I just don't know what to do. As tears stream down my face I write this. I've suffered from depression since I was 14 years old, my mother left me as a baby and was raised by my dad, an only parent. To spare the whole back story, I will just say that the reason I'm here is because of my life situation right now. I'm 26 years old and still live at home, unable to shake the emotional problems I have. I've been working as a janitor the past 7 years or so, and it's a nocturnal lifestyle. I woke up at 10pm, everyone is asleep, I have no one to talk to or hang out with, I'm all alone. It's very lonely. Up until a few days ago, I had an amazing girlfriend who I dated for 2 years. On Monday night, she calls me up and tells me she cheated on me, and I broke it off. Later on she tells me that it was just a kiss, and I decided to talk to her and work things out. She promises she hasnt and wouldnt talk to this guy anymore. So the next day, she gets dropped off at my house to work out things, but she was dropped off by this guy she is now seeing. After she promised not to talk to him anymore and we would work things out. When she got here, she confessed to sleeping with him, and I told her to leave. Later that night I cooled off and I tried getting in touch with her, and when I did the following morning, I wanted to meet up and talk things out. Turns out she has been at this guys house since the day she first met him and cheated on me. Anyways, she gets here for the second time(last night/this morning), I was under the impression we would work out everything and get back together. At the end of the talk, she says she doesn't know what she wants, and that a part of her heart is now with this new guy whom she has known for 3 days. We continue to shed many tears with each other, holding each other, telling each other things we will miss about each other. Extremely painful. She continues to act kind of like my girlfriend again, holding my hand, even surprising me with a kiss while I was laying there with my eyes closed. We eventually fall asleep next to each other just like we had done every night for 2 years. Next thing I know, she is waking me up, telling me that she's not good for me and that I need to find someone better. And proceeds to go back to this guys house. I've never been so confused in my life. She has chosen someone she has known for 3 days over someone she shared 2 good years with, all our memories, everything. This is just the straw that broke the camels back. I've always hated myself, hated who I am. I'm a loser who still lives at home and has many emotional problems that I cannot get help for. I struggle with trust and mother issues, being abandoned by your mother is a huge thing for a child and person to cope with. Anxiety issues, self hatred, depression, when will it end?
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, you deserve better than this girl who's cheated on you and lied to you several times. I know it hurts... I've been cheated on and ended the relationship because of it. But you don't deserve to be treated that way.

    I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now. I hope you can find friendship and support here. My PM box is always open if you feel like talking.
     
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    We all register on here because of our problems. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Losing someone we love is almost unbearable. Explore the forums and you'll find people, feelings and situations you can relate to.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun she is playing you I am sorry she is causing you so much pain hun Please hun look after you now ok as she will not change hugs
     
  5. Microcosmos

    Microcosmos Member

    Thank you for the replies so far. Sometimes the response from people is a pretty great thing. Here is a little update since that post. We talked briefly on the phone, our last conversation, because I told her I can no longer speak to you anymore because it's just way too hard for me, I've been to hell the past few days, especially this morning. Since I was extremely overwhelmed with all my feelings, feelings of losing the closest person in my life, my self hatred, my depression, I reached out to her know, crying for help, and that I had been having thoughts of suicide, and I let her know that I was actively researching of ways to kill myself but instead decided to join this forum for some help. About 45 minutes later the police showed up, and asked if I was feeling alright. I said yea, everything is fine. Then they had a mental health person come talk to me, to make sure I was ok. It was like a mini therapy session, and it felt really good. That was something I had been wanting for so long now, to get help for my issues. I let her know that the reason I was talking about suicide to my now ex-girlfriend is because I'm crying out for help, I so desperately want help. She gave me a pamphlet to a place in town that has a sliding scale, so I gave them a call. Unfortunately they only have counselors right now, but I what I really want is to talk to a psychologist. But I left a message on the counselors voice mail, and hopefully I'll hear back.
     
  6. drop.the.world

    drop.the.world Active Member

    We all came here at a time when we felt overwhelemed by our problems and our still being here means we find some comfort in the valuable support we have found. Hopefully this will be the case for you too, since you really deserve a shoulder to lean on. Still caring about this girl you have shared two years of your life with, despite the issues you are facing, makes you a good, sensitive and loving person , even though she turned out to not be right for you in the end. It's hard to take yet another hit, but it would be harder to hold on knowing from now on she will actively hurt you. If you felt and improvement after talking to the specialist it would be best for you to continuie in this direction whith therapy. Hope it will al work out for you Keep posting and we will sure listen !
     
  7. Microcosmos

    Microcosmos Member

    Thank you for your reply and words of encouragement. The rational side of me knows that the pain she is putting me through isn't worth it, but the emotional side of me doesn't see things that way. We shared so many great, wonderful things together. We know each others deep dark secrets, we know how we operate, and we know each others mannerisms. The things she shared with me she is now sharing with someone else, and that's extremely tough to deal with. I slept the whole day away, just got up at midnight. It's dark out, no one is around, I'm all alone again. It's become a vicious cycle. I'm going to sit in this same chair, going to the same websites for the next 12 hours until I crawl back in to bed, while my mind continues to spiral out of control. I haven't eaten since Tuesday, haven't showered or changed clothes. I find it extremely hard to care about anything. At least I have this board.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi I am so sorry to read that your mother left when you were a baby. I am sorry your girlfriend did what she did. Of course this is upsetting to you. Being upset and in great pain is normal. I am thrilled to hear that you are going to get help. Do you think that possibly while you are wating for a psychologist to have an open slot to take a new patient, you could maybe try to talk to a counselor? With the agreement that you can switch to a psycholiogst when one has time available?

    I think you are pertty insightful. What you say shows understanding of yourself. what you suffer with is not your fault. None of it. I do not understand how your girlfriend could mess with your head as she did. I understand she was not purposfully messing with your head. But this was the end result. And you deserve better than that.

    Finally, you said you are a loser. I disagree. You sound very articulate and cognitive about your process and whats happening. You sound like a rational young man who has had a very hard time because of abandonment and more. Perhaps your mother left because she suffered from some of the same things. And this is some of the genetics you inherited. Maybe not. But I was just putting it out there as another example of how this is not your fault. But you seem like the kind of person who is motivated to succeed in working on it. And life can get much better. Perhaps this end holds a new beginning. A beginning of working to heal a lot of that old pain. Again, I am impressed with how clear and articulate you are about whats going on and what you need. Not everyone is.

    This is a place where you can really talk about how you are feeling with no worries about bothering people.
     
  9. Microcosmos

    Microcosmos Member

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread and responding. Reading your reply almost brought me to tears, although I'm not sure if they were tears of sadness or joy. Probably a mix of both. I do believe that I should talk to a counselor at the very least right now, and continue the search for a psychologist. I made a call to one office yesterday, and the initial consultation fee is 250 dollars, that's almost a whole weeks pay. So, I need to continue looking. Like I said, I so desperately want help, I so desperately want to be a good person.

    You hit the nail right on the head. I have a very hard time with abandonment issues, and trust issues because of what happened with my mother. It's not usually something I'm consciously aware of, but I know it's there. I've had long discussions and shed many tears talking to my now ex-girlfriend about these feelings and why I have them, and then she abandons me too. Such is life. Deep down I know there are good, honest people out there. It's trying to find them that's the hard part, and when the bad ones make you feel like I feel right now, it makes me question if it's even worth it? Maybe if I get some treatment, I can look at life in a different perspective. As you said, maybe this end holds a new beginning? That's the only thing I'm holding on to at this point. The things I've gone through and the betrayal of my best friend and lover, maybe this is the start to learning more about myself, getting help, and becoming a better, more well rounded person. I can only hope. Thank you so much for the kind words, it really helps a lot.
     
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello ursvol, and welcome to SF!

    I am sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment. It must not be easy to go through right now :hug: Don't be sorry for posting. Posting about how we are feeling not only helps us to get out what we are feeling, but when you read back through it it can often help us to make some sense of how we are feeling. It also helps to know that you are not alone and that you can reach out for support. Talking is a good first step in the path to seeking help for your problems and you should be proud of yourself that you have been looking for psychologists and making enquiries. I myself have just started seeing a private psychotherapist, my initial session was free and I pay £40 a session and he helps me with coping strategies and lets me talk about anything that is bothering me.

    Keep reaching out, know you are not alone and we will always be here for you if you need to talk! :hug:
     
  11. INFERIOR LADY

    INFERIOR LADY Active Member

    Dear abhorrent
    You are not a loser sweetee. I am so sorry you never had your mommy, i just recently lost my daddy so i know how it feels to not recieve the love from the parent you need it from. It is intersting and strange to me how heterosexual children who do not get the love from their opposite sexed parents crave and seek it from the opposite sex like crazy, and same for homosexual children who don't get love from their same sexed parent crave and seek from their same sex like crazy. I guess it's because the sex the child prefers is supposedly based off the how the parent treats or is suppose too or how the child feels like it wants to be treated? So the child tries to refill the love or get the love that the parent of the sex they are attracted too? I don't know why that is or if that is even true at all? But almost everyone I know or have known seem to back that up for some reason? I am sorry to ask this but please break it off completely with your current or ex girlfriend okay? She will only continue to hurt your feelings more and more until you can't feel anymore. She may even get physically abusive too or her new boyfriend might become jealous and attack you too. In my family whom I disowned after I moved out the girlfriends and wives would also beat their boyfriends and husbands just like some boyfriends and husbands do beat their girlfriends and wives also. I know it's hard but please try as hard as you can to remain single sweetee! Most relationships wind up in break up and divorce or one or both partners are abusive to the other and or each other. My cuzin was neglected by his own mommy even though his daddy left the family but he was stuck living with a mommy who didn't treat him any better. She even treated him worse because she rarely fed him, clothed him, cared for him medically, and she never gave him the love and protection he needed from her when he was a little boy. So when he grew up he tried to find the perfect woman for him his soul mate. He never found her. His heart is completely broken now and i don't know if it could ever be fixed either. When I completely lost my daddy's love i started craving a man to love me too but I know it would never work and I strongly OPPOSE marriage to the point of being ANTI- marriage for my own reasons like I always have been, but I don't even have the courage to just have a simple casual Man Mate. I know about some homosexuals who have killed themselves because of the abuse they recieved from their same sexed parent and heart breaks they recieved from their same sex lovers, just like heterosexuals. I respect you for dumping her even partially after you found out she cheated on you though. I broke up with my ex so called man mate because he refused to treat me with respect like his equal partner. Domestic abuse happens to anyone in a relationship regardless of biological sex or biological sexual partner(s) and your ex girl friend doesn't seem stable to me anyway so please break it off with her completely before you get even more hurt or possibly physically assulted by her. I was abused by my own mom physically, even sexually, as well as emotionally when I was only a child until I moved out from under all her abuse last year at 26, (THANK GOODNESS I MOVED AWAY FROM HER)! And sense there are some people out there repulsive enough to abuse their own children they are capable of doing anything to another adult! I often feel abhorrent myself too, hence my username INFERIOR LADY. But you are NOT even a little abhorrent sweetee, please stop feeling that way! I wish you could. I can't stop feeling vile myself inside and outside so i know how rough it is to shake off. I respect you for at least having a job, i wish I had a job. I am on ssi for my many mental illnesses and have fibromyalgia, I looked for work and no one will hire me. I am not even in college anymore so i feel like one of the biggest lowlifes and losers on the planet. So I'm proud of you for having a job! You have had a job longer than i have been able to work. This is humiliating but i haven't been fortunate to have a job sense 2006! Way too long sence I last worked. I haven't been able to go back to college yet either, the last time I went to college was in the Spring of 2008! So you are no where near as bad off as you may feel. I tip my hat to you for working for so long, I'm jealous actually! Sorry you feel so terrible hun. I know how you feel with deep empathy. If you need to talk more please feel free to personal message me sweetee. I wish I could finish replying to you but I have to go log off for right now. Remember you are not abhorrent, break all contact with your emotionally abusive ex partner, you are not a loser, and please take care of yourself first! Please do p.m. me though. Please take care sweetee!
     
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