I'm sorry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jessicakaire911, Aug 17, 2016.

  1. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    (Not a suicide note yet)
    I can't sleep or eat. Can't go outside or I'll freak out. Only thing I'm doing these days is sitting in my dark basement doing nothing. Then go to my therapist and tell her everything is okay even though I've cried more than Ive slept. And School starts soon and thats going to be... bad. I feel horrible having my friend watch as I'm going down hill. She's been doing it for 3 years, she only does it because she too nice. She's one of the most amazing people I have ever met, I could write a whole thred about her. We do everything together and we are very similar but also very different. Shes smart and is ambitious. She could be much more if I didn't waste her time. She gets in trouble because of me. I think she knows I get jealous so she doesn't go out to make more friends. We don't talk about this stuff. We are both shy people and don't talk about feeling. I wish she could know she's the reason I'm alive. But her friendship isn't enough anymore. I don't want to leave her alone but it might be better for her. Ive lost hope to live. I can't get myself to draw even though it's the only thing I'm good at. I tell myself everything is better than it used to be but its just worse. It's not even other people's fault it's just me. I also don't want to hurt my dad. I don't want to leave him with my insane mom and brother. They are just another story... But I was supossed to be the normal one. But I disappoint him everyday I breath. I don't know what the point of this was. Like my life. I've tried giving advise on here but I'm not good at that, So I'll just stop. I don't think I'll post on here anymore I've posted enough already. But anyways it doesn't matter. I'll die and dissaper like we all will. It's just a matter of time.
     
  2. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Please don't stop posting on here. I am not great at posts myself, but I think it's important to try our best to reach out for help, and offer a helping hand when we can. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Do you think you can tell your therapist the truth? When do you see her next? Hugs, and take care.
     
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  3. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    me again =)

    Why can't you go outside? What has you so upset that you cry so much? Is your friend also suicidal?

    please listen to me: stop being so hard on yourself. No one on here is perfect, we all make mistakes. If you are reading something and you have an idea, then please post it. You never know your idea could make the difference in that person's life. If you feel like you could write a thread about how amazing your friend is then do it. That would probably make you feel better then it is worth it. We care about you.

    Please be honest with your therapist if your not honest you are just wasting their time ok. I know talking to therapist is not always easy , but we have to try our best help them to help you.

    It is not what we do with our death that matters; it is what we do with our life that does.

    Take Care
     
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  4. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    I can't go outside because my nabours stare at me and whisper about me. They watch everything I do when I go outside. It also feels like they follow me like I see them everywhere I go it's creepy... I also have no one to do anything outside with and nothing to do outside. I cry so much because I am doing nothing with my life and just feel sad a lot. My friend isn't suicidal.
    I didn't know if you where actually asking me or if these where questions I should ask myself so I just answered them.
     
  5. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I can. I see her tomorow actually.
     
  6. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Are you suicidal? Do you have a plan? Tell me more about these feelings you are having. I would be very interested in hearing your experience. No one here will judge you; we only want to help you. Your one of us. Don't hesitate to reach out if you are having a bad day or need someone to talk too.
     
  7. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Perfect opportunity to try and get a bit more help so you are not miserable. Do you think you can't actually get the words out, or is it a problem with trust? Do you think you could write her a brief letter? Then you might have time to think about what you want to tell her and be able to open up about your feelings.
     
  8. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    It's both of those. I probably won't be able to just say it all out becaus I'd just get too nervous and say the wrong thing. I also don't know if I can trust her even though she says I can and that she is on my side she also does therapy with my parents so... She might just say the same thing to them. The letter is a good idea but not this time because I have to get there pretty early so I probably won't have time. Maybe next time. Also it's hard to write what I'm feeling. I don't know I'll try. Thanks.
     
    Deety likes this.
  9. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    Yes suicidal and don't remember when I wasn't. I have plans but I'd probably fuck them up. Im just scared I guess. I'm not anorexic or anything but lately the only thing I can eat in the whole day is like half my dinner and nothing else. My head hurts probably because I don't sleep well. Scared I guess because my therapist wants me to have meeting or talk with her and my mom. I didn't mention her in My Story thing because I thought it was too long. But yeah that's it.
     
  10. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    Well obviously didn't tell her like I knew I wouldn't :oops:
     
  11. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    When is your next appointment with her? How do you feel today, was therapy helpful, or do you feel it might help a lot more if you manage to let her know how bad things are for you right now?
     
  12. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    Next week, Tuesday. I feel better but still bad. I don't know if it's helpful its always just the same thing of her trying to convince me I'm not stupid. It's never even been about suicide I don't even think she knows I want to die. It might be better if I told her but I don't know. It would probably be more awkward than it already is. I don't know I probably won't tell her realistically. Thanks for trying.
     
  13. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Next week, Tuesday. I feel better but still bad. I don't know if it's helpful its always just the same thing of her trying to convince me I'm not stupid. It's never even been about suicide I don't even think she knows I want to die. It might be better if I told her but I don't know. It would probably be more awkward than it already is. I don't know I probably won't tell her realistically. Thanks for trying.

    Jessica, please listen to me. Your wanting to die is a HUGE deal. If you don't know why you are suicidal, I will tell you. We become suicidal when our life's stressors overwhelm our ability to cope with them. I don't know what all you are going through for you to feel this way. I am sure though it is very important to you. You are important to us.

    If you want to chat about what's bothering you in private we can. I want to help you; at the same time you need to help yourself. I feel like it is VERY important for you to tell your therapist how you really feel. Your therapist then can help you better. But she can not help you if you do not take this chance and let her in. I agree with @Deety, that maybe writing your feelings down and just handing her the letter may be an easier option; just be totally honest.

    It is ok at times to be selfish and put ourselves first sometimes. I am asking you to be selfish. Put yourself first in this situation; don't worry about anything else. I understand that you are very self conscious and you do not want things to get "weird" or awkward. But it is much more important, for how you are really feeling inside to come out. I know that this will not be easy for you. I know that holding it inside hurts. There is nothing more important than you being SAFE.

    What coping mechanisms do you use?
     
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  14. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    I'll try writing a letter and see what happens.
    For coping mechanisms I don't really do any good ones... I just try to forget things I don't like. I usually just distract myself but that's getting hard to do. I also make jokes about it all to make it seem less real... That's it.
     
  15. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Going to give you a tip, our minds are not wired to forget things. Especially , bad things; those things need to be resolved somehow. So the brain can "process" it and take it away from you. The harder you try to forget your brain can't because the issue has not been resolved. Does that make sense?

    Just know that it is ok to be scared/nervous. Those are perfectly fine, I know society treats them as bad things; but they are not. Our emotions exist for one reason, to keep us safe. If you feel scared that in writing the letters just know that is ok, it is your body telling you are stepping out of your comfort zone. That is fine, it is a healthy thing to do sometimes or we become trapped in our comfort and we don't explore new experiences like we should.
     
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  16. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    I understand
     
  17. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I get the distinct impression, that you are trying to hold everything inside. You are afraid that if you show someone how you feel they will make fun of you or call you stupid or something like that. Am I right on that? I was doing the same thing around your age, and then it just became too much. I couldn't hold it in any longer and all of these emotions came pouring out. (was not a pretty sight)

    Trust me girl, you will feel better if you let your emotions out. I have found that keeping a journal helps me a lot. Sometimes things make more sense when we put them out of our head and onto a piece of paper. Do you think you could do that? Do like to draw or paint? What are some things you enjoy to do?
     
  18. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    I could try. Also art is the only thing I get good marks on. I can't paint for shit but fine at just sketching. I mostly just like playing video games and drawing.
     
  19. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Young lady!!! such language, go to your room!!@!!! lol

    Maybe you could sketch out how you are feeling, or something that is bothering you. Just need to find a positive thing you can do with your emotions. Just don't hold it in.
     
  20. Jessicakaire911

    Jessicakaire911 Well-Known Member

    :D I'll try.
     
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