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I'm sorry

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by anon111, Sep 24, 2008.

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  1. anon111

    anon111 Member

    Hello. I'm sorry that I'm back looking for more help.

    It's been a few months since I last wrote here and I've seen a counsellor since then. Counselling has given me more insight on life, but because of more understanding, it has made me feel worse. I hate requesting things from people and I cannot stand experiencing pity, but I seek help here because I know I'm not going to last through to my highschool graduation this coming year.

    The last time I wrote I wasn't aware of as many things as I am now and I hope that this isn't a waste of time for some people because that isn't what I want.

    I'll start with introducing myself, I'm a 17 year old in 12th grade that loves making video games and acting. I've never been drunk, I don't do drugs, or smoke weed, and I've never had sex, and really don't plan on it. I have plenty of friends and I have a unique, witty sense of humour that usually causes a 5 second delay before bursts of laughter with jokes I make. I believe in constantly bettering myself and putting others needs before mine are even addressed. I have an ability to pick things up quickly but not necessarily perfect them. I can set goals and I have a sub-concious continual inspiration that helps me achieve them. I am constantly depressed.

    My councillor couldn't be anymore perfect for me. We're both calm, passive, pretty fit, guitar playing middle children. He introduced the idea of Realistic Thinking to me and I've given it a chance as many times as possible. But when important things happen such as disappointing someone or performing in a play, I let my thoughts take control of my feelings and my negative thoughts upon myself spiral out of control.

    At first I didn't mind councilling for the first few sessions, it was making me feel better. Until he suggested that I bring my parents... I'm very undeserving of my parents, I do so little for them and they always support everything and trust me. They have been using the tools at the councilling sessions and it feels like they're doing it to make me feel better, when in turn I think of that and I don't want people to step out of the normal lives to do something for me.

    Just the other day, I was asking my roomate what questions I missed in class while I was sick. His girlfriend told me and I wrote them down. I then went upstairs to go study for a few hours, and she left. I looked at the paper and saw that she had wrote "vocab quiz tomorrow". This probably sounds so unbelievably ridiculous but the fact that she did that, actually made me feel worse that we barely even know each other and she did something like that for me. I would think nothing of it for me to do that for someone else, but I never want anyone to have to do something on my behalf...

    I sound pretty foolish and I know that there are people with real problems out there, and mine is miniscule compared to anyone elses. But I always try my hardest whether it's getting rid of acne, preparing for a test, or just being a friend. And all I drink is water, I get pretty good amounts of sleep, I'm pretty fit, and I've been told that I have an aura of calmness that makes people feel safe.

    I'm guessing that the root of my problems is in my love life. I've never actually had any affection from a girlfriend before. And it probably sounds weird at 17 years old, but I actually pray for an acceptable girlfriend that I can just love and that will love me back. I don't want sex, or money, or even mindless kissing. I have no problems talking to women or flirting or woo'ing but my past relationships have been terrible, maybe it was the girls I chose, but I just blame myself for it..

    I have a test on Thursday, and if I do poorly, I think it'll cause me to go over the edge...

    here's a picture of me to add a third dimension <mod edit: bunny - please don't post pictures of yourself>
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2008
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi anon. Nice picture by the way. You remind me a lot like myself (except that I'm 27, a teacher and I'm not depressed). :p Other than that, we have just about everything else in common. I'm the middle child in my family and I love playing my guitar. I've never been drunk, I don't do drugs, or smoke weed, and I've still never had sex yet. I just haven't met the right lady yet and I'm not going to do it with just anyone. I think you probably feel the same way. I drink a lot of water too, because you have to stay hydrated and it helps to get rid of toxins. Why did it make you feel bad when your friend wrote that you have a vocab quiz coming up? Just curious. :hug:
  3. anon111

    anon111 Member

    I guess it was just that I don't really know her much, she's just the girlfriend of my friend and it bothered me knowing that someone that I know so little actually did something as day changing as that for me. And I have strong feelings of inferiority because all I love doing is making other people feel better.

    I haven't told my councillor about my relationship problems yet, and I don't really know how I could, or if it's that big of a deal in the first place...
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey thanks for your post and being able to put yourself out there like that. I respect that. As for your problems not being as "serious" as others. No ones problem are greater or lesser to anyone elses. If it causes you turmoil then it's big. You sound like a wonderful young person with your morals and ethics well ingrained and that you trust them and stand by them. You appear to be a very well rounded individual. And you have a generous and gentle heart. You sound much like me, in that you are always willing and raring to help others, even if it means ignoring your own issues. I dont think there is anything wrong with it except this...... we tend to ignore our own needs and before we know it, we are suffering. And eventually because we are suffering, the others that we help will suffer too. Why? Because we can longer help them. Love is something that just has to happen. You cant force it. And it may not happen just when we want it to. But it will happen for you hun. You have so many of the qualities that girls and women are looking for. Hun maybe worry about your studies and the friends you do have. Dont be so hard on yourself. Love will happen. And you will know when it does. It will feel so right. There is nothing wrong in having "girlfriends" with out making the "big" commitment. Just enjoy where you are right now. You have a counsellor that you can connect with, family and friends that support you and you sound like quite a remarkable young man. You have years and years ahead of you to get involved in a serious relationship. It is ironic that you are looking for what others have and so many are looking for what you have. Good luck on the test and when you get the results let me know. If they are good, great, if not lets talk about it.
  5. anon111

    anon111 Member

    Itmahanh.. You just made me feel worlds better. I am printing that message out and keeping it forever because that was incredibly powerful and it's amazing how it has made me feel.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well, you are the amazing powerful one then. I just pointed out things that you already possess dear. You just couldnt see them for the pain. And to think, those are all things I could find positive about you in a lowly thread Imagine the things people can see and sense when they are with you in person!!!! Love yourself and others will follow!!!!

    Now about that test? Huh? Was it so bad? You feeling up or down? I tend to think you did ok and that you are feeling pretty good right now. I sure hope so cuz you truly deserve it!

    Now dont know about where you are but here it's friday night, means SPIKE NITE!!!!! So I'm off to have some fun. Why dont you go out and do the same thing. Be sorta like we are having fun together (lmao).
  7. anon111

    anon111 Member

    LOL that I did, I had a game night with my buddies which always makes me feel better. However, haven't gotten my tests results so... We'll just forget about that for now..:mellow:

    ..You saw nothing.
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