i'm sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Feb 8, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you've all been very patient listening to my ramblings

    you've tried to help and i thank you

    i don't know why noone can reach me

    i don't know why it hurts so much

    i'm sorry

    i've been trying to work but me head keeps filling with pictures of me dying and all i can see is how peaceful i look - how relaxed

    i brought all my <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>to work - at lunch i plan to get some <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> (been explaining my red eyes and runny nose as a cold)

    noone in the office will even guess - they're keeping there distance anyway because they don't want to catch what i have

    i'm just going to lay my head down on my desk and fade away

    this will be my last failure
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2010
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please don't go through with this, please try to reach out again. You ARE reachable, so don't give up.

    I know when you're feeling really bad, death can be viewed as something peaceful, where you just slip away. I hate to tell you, but it doesn't work that way, and chances are you would be violently sick and go through tremendous discomfort. PLEASE reconsider.
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm NOT reachable - poeple have tried

    it's all my fault

    saw someone at the coffee machine this morning who i KNEW would see something was wrong and i RAN the other way rather than face her

    tried to enter chat last night and couldn't bring myself to enter a room with people in it - how sad is that?

    can't tell my family, can't face my coworkers, have no friends, have no value

    i can't find any reason to continue living with this pain all the time
     
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i will pray for a miracle
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're reachable. You're reaching out here, posting messages. That's something, and it's a step forward. At least you're talking to people, even if it's not face-to-face right now.

    You do have value, and your life is worth fighting for.
     
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't see the point in trying any more and i just can't take it

    started crying in the train - knew that wasn't a good thing

    have another staff meeting in 30 minutes

    one last chance to be reminded how useless i am - not that i need it

    the most ironic thing is that i am a helpful person by nature - i just can't seem to help myself any other way
     
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you feel useless?
     
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    can't help my wife, can't help my children, can't help my job, can't sleep, can't help myself

    what other word would you use?

    spent the last 10 minutes crying and silently screaming in a bathroom stall - does that seem like a useful person to you

    i can't exist like this anymore

    i know there's something wrong with me, but i can't fix it and i'm done dealing with it
     
  9. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    come on WE, keep fighting. Ofcourse you are not useless, how do you expect to help someone in your current condition? first you need to be back on track, once you are able to help yourself you will also be able to help others.do not give up. keep talking we are listening
     
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    how much longer am i supposed to fight?

    been 15 years

    coming apart at the seams

    think the only reason i'm holding together right now is because it's almost over
     
  11. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I would not call it useless I would call it clinically depressed I really would. He is right how can you help when you feel so bad yourself. Sounds like you are fatigued from helping others so much and have ran yourself into the ground, like burned out / compassion fatigue syndrome.

    Please get help for yourself there IS hope, and you have US!

    Hang in there and hope you check back in after your meeting.

    Bambi
     
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    would this be the same meeting where everyone else is doing better than I am?

    or the meeting where i find out how everyone did in the Super Bowl pool? the one no one told me about?

    i'm not a part of anything anymore - i'm just an annoying afterthought

    going to the drugstore
     
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    How about counselling??? Why cut off things that might help you feel better??? you deserve better...also, I am in your area, so I know lots of ppl here...use us...that is what we are here for...big hugs, J
     
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with J, have you tried any sort of counseling?

    I'm sorry people are leaving you out of things... :hug: Please keep talking, keep posting here for support. This is one place you'll be noticed, cared about, and taken seriously.
     
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    mentioned this before

    put me in a room with a counselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist (tried them all), even my wife and I can talk about anything except myself and how i feel. couldn't force the words past my lips if my life depended on it (ironic, huh?).

    don't know why - just another flaw

    think i've only actually said two words - one of them said "this isn't going to work if you don't talk". i said "you're right" then never went back.

    i know i'm a train wreck

    i know i'm letting everybody down but i don't know what else to do

    got everything on my desk now

    just have to find the strength to follow through

    i have to succeed at something
     
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    No, not ironic at all. Maybe you aren't able to actually TALK about how you feel, but you're able to write things out. Maybe you could write some stuff down and give it to your wife, or even your doctor. Explain on the paper that you just can't get the words out, that you need to be heard but this is the only way you can do it for right now.
     
  17. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    i have read many of your postings and i must say for somehow who is as depressed as you currently are you sure ar strong. You are still going to work each day to support you familiy isnt it? if you are able to do that, it is with your strenght once you are able to open up in front of a therapist only a small step to your first victory. do NOT GIVE UP Buddy. Teach yourself to talk to a professional and go there again. Hang in There!
     
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    the end result would be the same - they would try to have me hospitalized

    i just know that if go back in that i'll die anyway

    the last two admissions were horrifying experiences

    and since i won't go by myself they would call the police and i won't get put in handcuffs and be paraded throught the ER again

    i've got nothing left in me

    these posts are it

    didn't pick my forum name by accident - all that will be left is a digital echo that will waste away in the end

    I DON"T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

    I HATE THIS

    I HATE MYSELF

    i just want it over
     
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm not too familiar with how the system works there, so I'm not sure if they would try to have you hospitalized or not. There may be someone more familiar with how things work in your area who could give you a better idea on whether they would or not.

    You obviously do have some fight left in you. I can tell that by your posts. I hope you don't stop posting! At least this is a way for you to be heard.

    I wish there was something I could say that would help. But I'm here if you want to talk. Please keep posting, or PM me if you want to. :hug: Don't give up!
     
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i wish i knew some other way to stop the pain
     
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