I'm sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Azathoth, Jun 21, 2010.

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  1. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member

    First of all, gentlelady, I can't read the initial post about hanging on. If I did, I don't think I could control my tears and I'm hanging on by my fingernails as it is. Please forgive me.

    I give up. You all win.

    Who are you all? Diabetes. Arthritis - hips and knees (sometimes so bad I need crutches to walk). Overweight. High Cholesterol. Depression. Dead-end job working for someone with tapioca for brains. Pain. All the time. Morning, noon and night. Drugs to help me sleep, drugs to keep me awake. Nothing for pain, though - can't have that. Father who pushed exercise at me like it was the Magnum Innominandum. Plodding through one stupid, useless day after another, after another, after another. I used to think "If I can just get through these few months, I'll be ok". Then it became "If I can just get through these couple of weeks, I'll be ok". Now it's "I can't get through. There is no end, except in death" I don't want to live, I want to die. Some call it passive suicide. They're right. If someone told me I had inoperable cancer and months to live, I'd shake his/her hand and buy them a steak dinner, strawberry cheesecake and a nice cognac and espresso for dessert.

    My time is coming soon, and all I can do is pray that it's quick and painless. My experiences with death show that it won't be. Maybe I'll make out that living will my wife keeps pestering me about. The last thing I want is to spend the next 20 years hooked up to machines. If that's not God's will, then come and get me. Heaven or hell, I don't care. I'm tired and I want to go home. I just wish I knew where that is.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Azathoth. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering and in so much emotional and physical pain right now. All I can ask is that you don't give up hope that things may improve. Keep trying to do some light walking everyday to get some exercise. It's not over yet. Don't give up hope. :hug:
  3. Azathoth

    Azathoth Member

    Hi Dave - thanks for the words of kindness. Sometimes I think that kind words are all that keep me going. Didn't Jewel sing "In the end, only kindness matters"? I can't do even light exercise yet due to the arthritis, but I'm on Celebrex and that seems to be helping. I'll update if anything changes, but I have to admit I'm skeptical. My father pushed and pushed exercise at me and finally gave up on it (and me). When I do any sort of work, even walking, all I can hear is his voice telling me I'm fat and stupid and need to lose weight.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're suffering so much physically and mentally too....
    do you find one feeds the other and it goes around in circles?...
    the physical pain makes our depression worse and the depression makes the physical ailments worse...
    I hope the celebrex works for you and you will feel better....
    do you do exercises in the water?...it's much easier on the joints I think...
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