It's an odd name for a topic, I know, but I have to apologize to somebody, somewhere. I've messed up my life and I've barely even started it. I'm only 18 and I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want out of life. I have no passion, no drive, no motivation. I have a job as an overnight stocker at Wal-Mart and am going to be taking my parents' house when they move. That's great, right? It would be to most people, but I don't want money or fame or.... Anything, really. I just want someone who will love me and stand by me instead of insult my dreams and laugh at how I'm feeling, which is all my parents or siblings do. Every time say I want to do something with my life, (these are always just passing fancies, once I realize how the job really is it loses its flavor), my mother says, "You can't do that. You'll never be good at it." My brother just mocks me and my step dad, well.... He just doesn't care one way or the other. I care too much about people too quickly. I get to know them and am instantly attached. I worry constantly, to the point of paralyzing anxiety. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists, but they've resolved that medicine hasn't helped, so they've stopped trying. My psychologist told me that I am beyond help because I lack the will to try to stop. I've just given up. I've been getting more and more hostile lately. Responding very cruely or abrasively to any questions or remarks that come my way. I've been sick constantly for the past two months, (throwing up constantly against my will), and have had chronic back and neck pain. My mind refuses to shut off, no matter what. I've tried deep breathing, meditation, martial arts, tai chi, yoga, etc, etc. Nothing helps. Medicine doesn't help. Therapy doesn't help. I've been getting so desperate lately and my emotions have been out of control. Today, while I was driving to calm my nerves I had the strongest urge to just cruise into the opposite lane and collide with whoever hit me first. The only reason I didn't was because I value the lives of others too much. They have purposes that are either well-defined or morals that keep them moving day in and day out. They deserve this life. They deserve to mold themselves into what they desire. I can't control my spending habits because money is of ill-consequence. I buy things and then just give them away because they mean nothing to me. Nothing I have is important to me. Absolutely nothing. My parents aren't important to me, nor my brother, nor any of the random garbage I have in my room or on my person. I'm tired every day. I can never sleep enough because my body refuses to allow me to even when I take 4 Tylenol PMs. I still wake up, regardless of the amount of sleeping medication in my system. My mother recently had knee surgery and has a pretty steady flow of pain killers. My family sleeps like a rock, but I don't. No one would be the wiser. Damnit, if I just had a purpose. Something I can hitch myself to so that I can scramble back out of this damned hole I've dug for myself. Religion doesn't work. I've tried almost every major religion I can think of. I've tried making a list of morals for myself to follow and I can't even adhere to those. I'm pathetic, worthless, and just aggravating. My old best friend even said, "Nobody cares what you think or how you think, not even me." I just.... Don't know anymore.