I'm Sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Trilaque, Jul 10, 2010.

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  1. Trilaque

    Trilaque Member

    It's an odd name for a topic, I know, but I have to apologize to somebody, somewhere. I've messed up my life and I've barely even started it. I'm only 18 and I just don't know anymore.

    I don't know what I want out of life. I have no passion, no drive, no motivation. I have a job as an overnight stocker at Wal-Mart and am going to be taking my parents' house when they move. That's great, right? It would be to most people, but I don't want money or fame or.... Anything, really. I just want someone who will love me and stand by me instead of insult my dreams and laugh at how I'm feeling, which is all my parents or siblings do.

    Every time say I want to do something with my life, (these are always just passing fancies, once I realize how the job really is it loses its flavor), my mother says, "You can't do that. You'll never be good at it." My brother just mocks me and my step dad, well.... He just doesn't care one way or the other.

    I care too much about people too quickly. I get to know them and am instantly attached. I worry constantly, to the point of paralyzing anxiety. I've seen psychiatrists and psychologists, but they've resolved that medicine hasn't helped, so they've stopped trying. My psychologist told me that I am beyond help because I lack the will to try to stop. I've just given up.

    I've been getting more and more hostile lately. Responding very cruely or abrasively to any questions or remarks that come my way. I've been sick constantly for the past two months, (throwing up constantly against my will), and have had chronic back and neck pain. My mind refuses to shut off, no matter what. I've tried deep breathing, meditation, martial arts, tai chi, yoga, etc, etc. Nothing helps. Medicine doesn't help. Therapy doesn't help.

    I've been getting so desperate lately and my emotions have been out of control. Today, while I was driving to calm my nerves I had the strongest urge to just cruise into the opposite lane and collide with whoever hit me first. The only reason I didn't was because I value the lives of others too much. They have purposes that are either well-defined or morals that keep them moving day in and day out. They deserve this life. They deserve to mold themselves into what they desire.

    I can't control my spending habits because money is of ill-consequence. I buy things and then just give them away because they mean nothing to me. Nothing I have is important to me. Absolutely nothing. My parents aren't important to me, nor my brother, nor any of the random garbage I have in my room or on my person.

    I'm tired every day. I can never sleep enough because my body refuses to allow me to even when I take 4 Tylenol PMs. I still wake up, regardless of the amount of sleeping medication in my system.

    My mother recently had knee surgery and has a pretty steady flow of pain killers. My family sleeps like a rock, but I don't. No one would be the wiser.


    Damnit, if I just had a purpose. Something I can hitch myself to so that I can scramble back out of this damned hole I've dug for myself. Religion doesn't work. I've tried almost every major religion I can think of. I've tried making a list of morals for myself to follow and I can't even adhere to those.

    I'm pathetic, worthless, and just aggravating.

    My old best friend even said, "Nobody cares what you think or how you think, not even me."


    I just.... Don't know anymore.
     
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You do have a purpose, and just because you have yet to find it doesn't mean it isn't there! You sound like an awesome person! Can we be friends? Please do not give up, you are making a great start, and what you are going through is normal. Trust me. Blessings..
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Also forget what you have been told. You are not beyond help. That person should lose their job. You say you have tried religion, and it doesn't work. But you already show that you believe the same as I do. You have a love, compassion and desire to help others. You have yet to see how you are important in life, but that can be changed once you realize that you have a purpose! You care about your family, you are just hurt and confused right now. Hang in there. The is always a silver lining to every cloud in the sky. Blessings..
     
  4. Trilaque

    Trilaque Member

    I really wish that would help, but I just.... Don't feel it anymore. There is no will to go on anymore, no matter how much I hate to admit it.
     
  5. TJ

    TJ Staff Alumni

    hey there ,

    sounds as tho life is throwing u a rough time , all i can suggest is that u stick around and talk to people here , i have no pearls of wisdom that i can offer u but i can say however that my PM are always open , feel free to message me anytime and as soon as i get it ill get back to u :)
    take care
     
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im very sorry that you are goin through such a rough time. You are in my prayers,please pray too. Lets look at some of the things youve said and see what we can do. ALso tell us more when you can.


    I don't know what I want out of life. I have no passion, no drive, no motivation. Have you tired aptitude testing. What makes you happy? Thats whats you should do. Why do you think you have no motivation? What might motivate you?

    I just want someone who will love me and stand by me That is great! Let that be a motivation for going into life and finding purpose. So you can share that with your significant other.

    instead of insult my dreams and laugh at how I'm feeling, which is all my parents or siblings do Is there any way you can get a break from them? What about staying with a friend? Some way to remove yourself from the negativity.

    I care too much about people too quickly. I get to know them and am instantly attached Thats not bad it shows you are a good guy. You just need some balence. Also you are not responsable for everyone,Its nice to try to help.Just find balence.


    My psychologist told me that I am beyond help because I lack the will to try to stop. I've just given up. That psychiatrist is a fool. DONT listen to him. Just find a new person that can help. 12 step groups have helped me a lot. New people who care and offer help and you make new positive friends. You can and WILL get better.youll see.

    I've been sick constantly for the past two months, (throwing up constantly against my will), and have had chronic back and neck pain. Youve gone to the doctors right?

    I've tried deep breathing, meditation, martial arts, tai chi, yoga, etc, etc. Nothing helps. Medicine doesn't help. Therapy doesn't help. Have you tried EMDR for trauma and tapping?

    I can't control my spending habits because money is of ill-consequence. I buy things and then just give them away because they mean nothing to me. Nothing I have is important to me. Absolutely nothing. We have to work together and help you find meaning. What about spiritual answers.Have you looked for those?


    I'm pathetic, worthless, and just aggravating. (You are none of these things.You are just going through a tough time and need help like we all do.)

    My old best friend even said, "Nobody cares what you think or how you think, not even me." (Time to get new friends.STAY AWAY form this one.)


    I just.... Don't know anymore.
    You need to give us your pain and let it all out here. We care and we will help you. YOU are a great person who has been hurt. We just have to help you heal. I HOPE with all my heart you stay here with us. We will show you love and support and help you figure it all out.PLEASE DONT GIVE UP WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!!!


    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 11, 2010
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hey I am really sorry that you have had such a shit time of things and your friends seem really un-supportive, I think the best thing you can do is speak to a doctor because they are paid to care, that way you can get some support and help and more then anything have someone listen and help you work things out, I know it sounds a scary thought but trust me it is not as bad as it seems, please in the meantime keep talking to us and try and be gentle on yourself.

    Take Care

    Rich
     
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Volunteer work helps because it takes the focus of yourself. And, it brings the best out of yourself.
    You will also meet people who are far worse off than you, who have found peace or ways to cope, that can inspire you and show you things from a different perspective.

    Practice the art of gratitude.
    A good place to start is with your health, and the good things you have.
    You will look back at these things one day and realized how blessed you were to have so much.

    You will go through hard times, we all do, but I believe within the hard times, you will find your purpose.
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Trilaque and welcome to SF. I think that you are going through a spiritual crisis or possibly a kundalini awakening and you are having a very difficult time with it. You sound like an empathic person and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, because that is your nature. Doctors really can't help a person going through a spiritual crisis. Constant throwing up and pain/heat in your back may be caused by an awakening kundalini shakti. I think you should have a look at Bob Boyd's kundalini support forum. I've found it very helpful during my kundalini awakening. :hug:
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

  11. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    You sound so much like myself...

    I'm sure that you will find someone eventually who can help you, and provide a purpose for you.
     
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Let us know if your ok
     
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