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I'm sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nobodysagain, Oct 3, 2010.

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  1. nobodysagain

    nobodysagain New Member

    It didn't start out as much. It never does.
    This time, though, it came out of the blue. Sure, I had a major life shift, moving from home to college, but my best friend is here with me and everything was going fine, for awhile.

    It's funny because I remember the feeling, the feeling of nothingness and depression, coming on a lot slower before. I always knew it was there, but it was easy to look past. This time, I tried my best to ignore it, to feel something else. I looked past whatever that feeling was and focused on other things - new friends, parties, school, whatever I could find. I guess that made it come faster and worse; instead of just knowing it's there, I can feel it, clawing its way into me.

    The best part is that smile I've learned to fake from the past five years of this; no one can even see the battle that is going on inside of me. I assume that's one factor in my isolation from the world, from my friends; I don't want them to be concerned for me, why would I? They have better things to focus on, I'm not worth sympathizing on. And as soon as someone wises up on me, it's easy to push them away. I don't want to, I want them there, I know they can help, but I can't stand to look at their faces when they know how I truly feel. I'm not human and they reflect how I feel, not purposely, they're just trying to help, but I can't stand to see myself.

    Then those thoughts start. "I am alone, I've pushed everyone who cares out or away, so what's the difference if I am gone?" It starts as an accident, "what would happen if I was hit by a car?" Then it escalates, "what would happen if I took this bottle?" I could never kill myself, or could I? I never dreamed of feeling razor blades split my flesh, but that happened and it still does. What am I doing to myself?

    Slowly, I start to feel those emotions bubble to the surface, the emotions begin to pour out of me; once again I start to pull myself away from reality. When you're about to cry, who do you want to see? It's good that God gave us sleep, it's a great cover for when I can't pull the sheep's wool over my face.

    In the end I am left with one person, my best friend. He doesn't understand or know what to do, which is why he can stay so close to me while others cannot. He's so close that he can't see what the outside world notices as abnormal. I tell myself that I can't lose him, he is my brother, but I continually try to split him away, bit by bit. He'll see soon. I bring my emotions out in him without him even noticing. I'm so sorry for that, Nick. It's my fault, none of this rests on you.

    Soon, I will be left with nothing and it's all my fault, too. The blame rests on me and I am okay with that. I slowly push everyone else away, I am the one with these thoughts, doing these actions. It's all my fault. I apologize.

    This is my first post here and maybe my last. I just had to type this out.
  2. confusedgirl

    confusedgirl Well-Known Member

    Sorry your feeling so bad, moving away to college from home is a huge step in a persons life, leaving all your comforts and securities! Its good you've got a close friend but have you tried talking to your doctor? Having someone who will understand and be able to help you with meds etc might be what you need right now? Take care and keep posting here xx
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun it is so hard to be out there away from all the securities you once had. YOu need to be talking to a councillor at your school the doctor there to get help for your depression so you don't go deeper. Don't ignore these signs okay they are put there to tell you something is wrong. Get on some medication it will take awhile to kick in but you will feel better okay. TAlk to a professional NOW don't leave don't ignore it do something to help it stop.
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