I'm Sorry

[Sabriel]

It hurts. That's nothing new to any of you, you must have had the same thought a million times before. I'm sorry I don't have anything more original to say... I can't pretend I don't feel anything anymore and I'm just so sick of trying. I can't be who they're needing me to be. I really do wish I could.

Please believe me.

It's a crushing weight that never leaves my shoulders, the constant reminder in the back of my mind, "Keep going, is that the best you can do? They're watching you. Remember your job. It doesn't matter what you think or feel. It's not your life. They demand complete obedience." I have to do what they want. I don't have a choice. I only wanted them to be proud, but I see more and more that that's not possible. It's the overwhelming presence of Failure: when your best just isn't good enough. It's all the yelling that I can't keep from hearing. It's the angry tirades screaming that I'm selfish, deceitful, manipulative, and a plethora of other things.

It doesn't matter how many times I apologize. I exist. That's enough. I'm so sorry. It hurts so much. I can't see another way out, and yet that is one more failure. I'm down on my knees- I cannot please. My blood is flowing all over me. I'm trying to keep it all together, but I no longer have the strength. I'm sixteen.

 

[zen14]

I swear to you, I went through (and am still going through) the same things when I was young like you.

Im no liar, I dont mince words, and that fact has gotten me banned from 4 message boards.

But I am here to tell you that it WILL get better, it WILL change. Parents sometimes feel, and people in general sometimes feel, that the best way to deal with the "wildness" of youth is to shout them down and downplay them as people. Boot camp style.
They are clueless.

STEP ONE is to stop showing them you are affected by what they say. Become cold, feel no outward hurt, to their comments. (at least to them. Restrain your true feelings).

Watch and learn. It works like magic.

 

[Jenova]

I agree with Zen14, I felt very like you do now, when I was your age. The teen years suck. Whoever said that it's the best time of your life is a liar. It can be a really hard time in a persons life. On the positive side, I can tell you it does get better. I know that when you're 16, the life you're living now seems like the end all but it really isn't. Don't give up yet, this will pass.

I know my parents didn't understand at all. For a long time they just denied that anything was wrong with me.

I want to say though that you sound very intelligent and well spoken (or written in this case), I don't know many 16 year olds who use the word "tirade".

J.

 

[Sabriel]

Zen14:
I have made it my philosophy in life not to show emotion, and yet when I achieved this, I was upbraided for "having no emotions whatsoever." I especially did my best not to show my emotions after that because I did not want them to see... That is, that statement hurt me far more than anything else they could have said to me. They said it was "practically not human." What can one say to that? Of course I have feelings! They are not interested in my feelings. They are concerned with my GPA, scholarships, how many friends I have, and my reputation. They do not care about anything else as long as these few things are intact.

Jenova:
I have heard it said many times, "This too shall pass." I'm dubious. My life has not been getting better. On the contrary, everything seems to be steadily declining. My parents are as you say, in denial that anything could possibly be wrong with me. My older sister is not capable of meeting their expectations, therefore, I must be. The closer the time for applications to colleges progresses (I am a junior) the more they act as the proverbial gadfly. They have either no confidence in me, or exceedingly too much. I am reluctant to say this because it is so overused now, but my parents truly do not understand me at all. Yet, they are convinced it is my fault. Thank you for your kind words about my intelligence. I did, in fact, skip a grade at my preparatory school.

Maybe they are all right. Maybe I'm not worth anything. Maybe it all is my fault...

 

[Jenova]

I value intelligence above almost all else and I would hate to see you go to waste. I hope that you can hang on. I know it feels life this part of your life will last an eternity but it will get better. As for your parents it's unfair of them to expect you to make their dreams come true. However, parents tend to be misguided like the rest of us and USUALLY they are just trying to do what they think is best because they love you. Parents make mistakes too, they just don't want you to know it.

When I was your age I was so frustrated that my parents couldn't acknowledge that I had some problems. Now looking back I know they they denied it because they were scared for me. They didn't want me to struggle they just hoped that it would go away and that I would be ok.


Best Wishes,

J.

Oh and if you ever need to chat, let me know.