I'm sorry...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AllenJMCD, Feb 9, 2011.

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  1. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    I just can't take this anymore, I.. Am a Transgendered Teen (Male, Becoming Female).. And, I just.. can't anymore, I can't live life like this, Feeling trapped in your own body Every. Single. Day. Suicide is on my mind all the time, I use to suppress the feelings with a Game called World of Warcraft.. However, That "Pillow" or "Cushion" for those feelings won't work anymore, so.. Now, I have to deal with these feelings head on.. And, I don't know how.. I can't do this for long, I'm scared.. I just want this to all end :(
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Here if you want to talk.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It must be so very difficult for you I do hope you have a therapist to help you sort through all the emotions you must be feeling. Please keep posting okay we understand we don't judge You are who you are okay reach out and get help in real life Are there other transgender people you can talk to maybe on line even and get some help on how to cope and where to turn to hugs to you You can pm me anytime okay you are not alone now you can talk here
     
  4. Worthless

    Worthless Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear you feeling this way.
    There was a transgendered boy who used to go to my school and he used to get alot of crap to start off with, when he started wearing makeup and skirts.
    But after a while, people got used to it and accepted him.
    Us girls even envied his legs! They were terrific!
    If you want to message me your email, I can message her (she has now had a complete sex change) and see if she is willing to talk to you about it.
    I don't speak to her, but I can try and contact her in regards to how your feeling.
     
  5. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    Thanks for the acceptance guys, I've dropped out of school at around 9th Grade... I just couldn't stand to Not be accepted, and I had to.. I couldn't handle the bullying. I do not have a Therapist, I cannot afford one.. I'm 18, My family knows about this.. But, they don't know how to help, I tell my Mom that I'm having suicidal thoughts.. But she just says.."Oh stop". So, I don't know what to do :(
     
  6. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    I am sorry to hear about all your pain and everything you are going through. It's sad to here people bullied you because you were a trangender you are not alone on that, I've moved several times but by law I must go to school unfortunetly. I am glad you have found SF you willl always be accepted for who you are, SF is a place you can be yourself and make amazing friends :hug: It seems like getting help is expensive were you are, thats why sites like this are around so you can talk to members who will try and support. Please do NOT hurt you, please keeping using SF and getting the help you yourself needs.
     
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Would it make you happier if you had the 'operation?'
     
  8. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    Oh god, Tons!! I feel as though.. as soon as I start taking Hormones, I'll feel a LOT better!! All my life (13 to 17 for Puberity) I felt like I was going through the wrong Puberity! I wanted to have my Period.. I wanted to Grow boobs, I hated growing Hair on my legs.. Having to shave my Face almost every day! I'm ready for it to be over! And Hormones will do just that, Make it a LOT easier to deal with!! Also, I don't want to lose any weight at all, Because.. I have boobs, and.. If I lose weight, I'll lose my Boobs :( I know, that probably sounds really creepy.. But, It makes me feel like a girl :/
     
  9. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    I'm really starting to think of ways of suicide.. I keep starting at my Wrists, knowing how easy it'd be to cut them... I don't want to Die, but.. It's like, Knowing all of this would end if I died, Makes it okay...
     
  10. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    Right, I'm going to tell you a little bit about one of my best friends. She is male to female transgendered. For years she went through utter hell for feeling the exact way that you do now. It took a long time to get her problems recognised and treated. (Living in the UK, treatment may be free, but it is a lot harder to obtain and you have to sometimes wait a lot longer for it) But she eventually got the help that she needed. She started off with hormone therapy and eventually she got her surgery. She isn't there yet, she still has her ups and downs, but is 200% happier than she used to be.

    My point in telling you this? My friend tried to take her life. She acknowledges now that she was very glad the attempt failed. She is getting to where she wants to be in life. There IS hope in this situation. It's not easy, and there are a lot of tears and a lot of pain. But don't give up because you can get there.
     
  11. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member


    That's the thing, Healthcare in the United States is very expensive.. I need a Therapist first, to make sure I want to do this.. That takes about.. 3 months, So... 60$ per Visit, 2 times a week. That's about 400$.. Then, The Hormones, which.. Aren't cheap, Injectional Hormones.. are, at-least 145$ per.. Usually need to take about 2 or 3 Different Kinds.. You have to be on that for at-least 1 year, then.. you can get a Sex-Change, which.. Is, at-least 40,000$$. It all seems impossible, I'm 18 right now.. I don't see any of this happening until my late Twenties, and.. To be completely honest, I don't think I can hang on for that long :(

    Like I said before.. I'm building up the courage to commit Suicide, I do not want to die.. But, I just can't live like this, Through this depression.. I've been going through it for at-least 5 years now, I'm ready for it to be over.
     
  12. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    My friend went through just this hell. It took her almost 10 years to get to where she is now. So that is a similar timescale. But this isn't about her.

    I told you that story to try and illustrate a point. That no matter how slim the hope may be, it is there. That at least one person gives enough of a shit about you without even knowing you to take the time to try and help. As for "hanging on", there is only you that can make that decision. I hope you make the right one.
     
  13. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    I know I can get to where I want... I just don't know if I can Hang On, I want to.. But, It's like.. a Cloud of Darkness is Slowly but surely covering my entire body, It's probably at 75% Right now.. The Depression wasn't so bad a few months ago, But now, It's like every night I either 1. Tear up, 2. Cry my Eyes out.. and it's a recurring thing, And with Suicide on my mind. It's just so much to take in, so much to deal with :(.. I know I can become what I am meant to become, But.. It looks so slim, and quite impossible. I want to give it a chance, I know I can.. But I don't think I can. If that makes any sense. :(, It's like I'm doubting myself.. Call me selfish, but.. Suicide = All of it ending, Forever. Not having to worry about it anymore. That seems really enticing.
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please know ending your life is a thought yes just a thought you can get some help to help you feel better please reach out to your doctor to get referrals to get the help you need hugs
     
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Allen. Maybe it would be better to put off becoming a female until you are older and have saved up a lot of money (or move up here to Canada). Have you ever been happy being a male? It's really not that bad being a guy. We don't have periods or pms to deal with. Also, I'd give you my man boobs if I could, since I sure as hell have no use for them.
     
  16. AllenJMCD

    AllenJMCD Member

    Right now.. I'm looking at, Either.. Going to Canada, Or Dieing. That's really where I'm at right now. I hate to say it, But.. I just can't do this much longer :*(
     
  17. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Go to Canada.

    I don't know why people are suggesting it (not to slate Canada or anything but is it something to do with the healthcare there) but if if it's that or death then Canada. Hold on to the fact that these feelings wont last forever. One day you will be able to have the op and make that final change that you need to.

    x
     
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